Are we odd?Do you contact your s/kids directly or only through your partner?

[Onestepatatime]

Is this normal?My DH doesnt like me communicating directly with his kids (in their 20s, live 300 miles away, but frequently visit). We often row about them (all the usual stepparents stuff)but all communication between me & them is through him and vice versa. If they ring and I pick up the call, they'll ask to speak to him straight away, never speak to me. Then he'll tell me what they said. This is the way it's been since we met 12 years ago, and I've sometimes thought it's made matters worse. we've had a lot of rough patches over the years, but nothing is ever discussed with them, rows always stay between me & DH. When they are around we always put on a 'happy family' face and pretend everything's fine.I've never challenged this, as I just want their visits to go as quietly as possible, and wait for them to leave again.

My ds's stepmother contacts my son, we have no problems with that. In fact she makes more of an effort than he does tbh.

This is not healthy. You and your stepchildren ought to have developed a relationship independent of your DH. It is important to spend time alone with one's stepchildren and to get to know them personally.

However, if this has been going on for 12 years and your stepchildren are in their 20s it might be hard to put right.

im amazed by these responses. I dont think I've ever spent time ALONE with them! It would never occur to me or them to do stuff together. As for a relationship independent of DH - ???? the only relationship I have with them has always been as their cook, cleaner, and housekeeper! Mind you, is it worth putting right at this stage? And how on earth would we go about it? There are problems with me being expected to look after sd's baby, which I deeply resent. Her stepdad is never asked to look after the baby, but it seems perfectly acceptable to them to expect me to do it. Maybe that's come about from the years of bad relations being swept under the carpet...

Your role, in your stepchildren's eyes, is one of "carer" (cook, cleaner, housekeeper and now childminder for a stepgrandchild).

You know what? You don't have to do any of those things for your adult stepchildren (it is a different matter, of course, when they are children and live partly in your home, as my stepsons do - though even then you want to lay down your boundaries very carefully IMO ).

Personally, I think you shouldn't do any more caring now that your stepchildren are adults.

Anna8888 how old are your stepsons? do you have children with your partner as well?
How do you lay down your boundaries about your 'carer' role? I can't avoid the domestic chores my s/kids create, their visits always involve turning the house upside down to make room for them (small house). If I dont make tea etc, get beds ready etc, they'd expect DH to pay for them to get takeaway food, and they'd be making their beds up at midnight and disturbing us & our young kids. Boundaries have been a total failure for me!

My stepsons are 12 (nearly 13) and 10, and my partner and I also have a daughter who is just three.

My stepsons are here quite often, so we are used to "living as a family". Last week, for example, my partner was away on business on Wednesday night but the boys came here as usual on Wednesday afternoon and spent the night - we had a lovely time, sometimes it's really quite nice to see them without their father being around as we have different sorts of chats .

The boys have their own (shared) bedroom and bathroom here, which we have furnished especially for them, and although I use their room for drying laundry when they are not here (and also sometimes as a guest room) they do not perceive this as I always make sure their room is just as they left it.

I don't do much for them in the way of cleaning - I change their sheets and towels and either I or the cleaner hoovers/dusts/cleans the bathroom. I make all the meals and make sure to mostly make things they love to eat. I buy a lot of their clothes, take them to the hairdresser, have organised lots of courses and holiday activities for them, last year used to take my elder stepson to his acting class on the other side of Paris... Basically, I try to make my role much more "value added" and less "nanny/housekeeper". I talk to them about all kinds of things, and I discuss their upbringing/education a lot with my partner.

Sometimes I do lay down the law and my partner is perfectly supportive - we mostly agree on how we want all the children to behave, so that doesn't cause friction.

Very unhealthy i always have a chat with my stepson on the phone, i don't phone his mothers house though & he has not contact with us when at his mothers house, but he spends every weekend from friday-mon & every holiday at dp's parents house (if we have not got him here) so we speak to him from dp's parents house.

It has always been like this, my step-son calls to speak to me is well, in fact i probably have a little mroe contact with him than dp, dp is fine with this & likes the fact we caqn be close.

How odd. Is he insecure about something? Any family secrets he doesn't want you to know about? I think it's probably a possesive thing. He doesn't want to share them with you. Either that or like my DH, he doesn't trust you to speak to them how he would like.

DH doesn't like me talking to his boys sometimes, usually when they have done something wrong and he doesn't trust me to handle it in the way that he would like. He often checks up on me if I've spoken to either of them out of his presense, wanting to know what was said and how.

I have S/Kids, SDD 15 and SDS 17. I have known them since they were 7 and 9. They were delighted for me to marry their dad, but dad - my DH - wouldnt let me discipline them, or be what I call a normal step-mum. By that I mean, I couldnt call them from the TV if dinner was on the table, or ask them to take there weekend bags to their room, or take their plates to the dishwasher, or ask for help preparing the dinner etc. He was quite happy for us all to go out for family days out, and for me treat them, molly coddle them etc.

I totally understand that he felt very guilty over the marriage breakdown and that he just wanted to please his kids and not upset them with this kind of stuff on their visits, but it was and still is extreme 'blcokage' behaviour on his part. To me, helping with family chores like this is no hardship - and what I have mentioned above is it. No more. I dont expect much from them, but cant even epect the 'not much' to be met.

It has caused rows - yes. But for the sake of my relationship with the kids, I learnt to keep my mouth shut over the years. I now have a good relationship with them, and in answer to your question, yes, I could contact them direct if I needed to. I usually do this to find out when they will next visit, or to remind them about sending dad a bday card etc.

Its not easy being a step-parent, as you dont ever want to replace the real parent, but for my part - I count friendship with them more important than being a parent.

Hope this is all making sense, and helpful.

wolfgirl, your relationship with your s/kids sounds a bit like mine. The 'blockage' thing is very interesting, i'd never thought of it like that before.
I'm not allowed to ask them to do anything, it's like when they're at our house they have to be waited on hand and foot, and as DH is busy spending 'quality time' with them, guess who's left doing the waiting!
We have 'kitchen moments', ie me whispering to DH in kitchen, so they wont hear 'could he/she not ..clear up/ dry dishes/ pick up (her) baby's toys..?' and him whispering back 'No, dont ask, I'll do it later'. then 'later' never arrives, so I end up doing whatever it was.
Keeping my mouth shut has become one of my strongest skills!!!!!It's bloody awful and i hate their visits! Roll on Christmas

LOL - ditto. Its tea time so cant answer in depth, but will get back to you. I do know what you mean about the whispering 'could he/she not...clear up' or whatever. Hard isnt it!?

I have this with eldest ss, but not youngest ss. However eldest doesn't talk much, and never even says goodbye (to anyone!)when he goer out.

I think it is sometimes just personality, but often find it very hard, esp re whispering etc. They are adults but still live at home.........