Sometimes I think the ex knows dp more than I do!

[malificent7]

Dp was married for over 20 years and is good mates with the ex as am I...they have 1 dd together.
The ex has been with her man since she cheated on dp and has kids with him so no threat. Dp birthday was today and i was a bit clueless about what to get him partly as have been super busy.
His ex got him some lovely gifts that are far more " him" on behalf of his dd...one of which relates to their old life( not intimate and cannot give too much away as outing).
I just feel like I am still in her shadow at times and it can be quite hard to form a new couple identity.
Dp likes his gift from me but i do feel pangs. One Christmas i got upset as he got his ex a gift that wasn't intimate but i really liked. I dont mind the gift giving per say but i dont feel i can compete sometimes!

Why would he buy his ex a gift even if they had an amicable break-up, let alone her cheating on him? Or am I missing something here?

It’s fine for them to be friends and buy each other gifts. Ignore the first poster. Some folks seem to think even if you’ve a kid together an ex should be treated like the enemy

Anyway if you don’t know what to buy each other then talk about it. Communicate.

I'm an awful present buyer and always feel embarrassed giving gifts because they always seem inadequate. So I get how you feel, but I have no advice on that front.

But yeah I echo the PP, if they're giving a gift from the child it should be something made by the child / something they picked?

It's a bit strange they're buying each other nice gifts 'from' the child when the child clearly had nothing to do with it.

Well i do think the child has some input.

I think the ex does buy him gifts on behalf of her and her dp....its ok but they have never been the most boundaried!

Some folks seem to think even if you’ve a kid together an ex should be treated like the enemy.

I agree. There doesn't have to be hatred, because you're no longer a couple.

OP... if she was with him for over 20 years, then she probably does know him more, by virtue of time....or perhaps that's just her personality. Some people can be together for decades and still not so intuitive on gift choices.

I wouldn't let it bother you. That's just one aspect of life and relationships.

I know...it's lovely really.

She probably does, 20 years is a long time to spend with another person. This isn’t going to be helpful but I don’t think I could be with someone that is still so enmeshed with their ex. Great if it works for you guys but it’s sounding like there are parts of it that aren’t working for you.

Well yeah, they were together 20 years. Presumably most of his adult life?

It's not a competition

If you stay together then in time you'll know the current him better.

I was with exH for nearly 17 years, pretty much all our adult life at the point we split. He started seeing his bow partner quite quickly (or was already doing so, who knows) and while I have a history with him that is ours is it just history, 13 years later I don't really KNOW him any more.

I think it's fine if the child is involved. It's better than him getting left over cakes like my OH does.

EXH was vile to me when we split.

However, presents need to transcend grievances in my opinion. Have always taken DCS out and told them to buy something they wanted to give Dad.
Interesting evolution over the years - from games they wanted him to play with them pictures, books and more recently clothes. He has appalling dress sense. I have steered them in the direction of his interests preferred colours,food, beer etc. Cheap to quite expensive

More recently it has been more techy and more expensive.

What do I say - No - your Dad is not worth it. What does that say to our children that their parents do not value each other. I do know him better than his current DP 20 yrs vs 2 and she phones me for advice as she is a shit present buyer ( her words not mine) Am not going to lie, it was bloody hard in the first few years as he was truly awful but some things you need to teach your DCs.

I was with my exh for 18 years and I echo @Chasingsquirrels in that I would never claim to know him better than his dw. I knew him well then but I don't 'know' him now.
I personally think the gift giving is weird. I always assisted my dc in buying him gifts when they were younger but they were always their choice, financially suited to their ages & had absolutely nothing to do with our life together.
I personally don't think this is 'lovely" - I think it's insensitive to both you and her dp & as you say it makes carving a new couple identity very difficult when the past relationship is still being revisited.
No boundaries imo.
Btw exh & I have a good relationship with no bitterness so it's not that I think exes can't/shouldn't be friendly & civil.

Together for 20 years, is their DD still young? Feels a bit strange if she isn't young enough to need gifts bought for her.

I think part of what is making you unhappy is that their intertwined relationship is quite a lot to expect from a new partner. "Lovely" as it may be, it is also kind of taking the piss when it comes to you. There's no shame in admitting that. Of course you feel awkward.

OP, wouldn't you have expected to learn something from an experience that you had for 20 years or more? If not, what was the point?