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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Brick walls

18 replies

hmw18 · 12/08/2021 11:17

Looking for advice on what feels a unique but almost definitely is not position.

I have been with my OH for 2.5 years and he has a 10 yo son from a one night stand. He has been an exemplary father and pushed to see him despite his mother wanting him to have no involvement. She has a SO and three under three with him. SS spends every other weekend with us and two weeks in the summer, one at Christmas and one at Easter. I do not have any children.

To start, SS loved having me around as it was more fun and the house was cleaner (his words). We moved in together after a year and in the last six months, things are really starting to deteriorate. It has reached the stage where if I come into the room, he leaves and sulks and cries. DB then follows his to listen to how he hates me and wants things back to how they were. The difficulty I have is that I have pushed always for them to have time just the two of them. I earn significantly more and therefore have paid for them to do things just the two of them and all of our holidays. I am fully aware that he is a child and constantly tell myself that his upbringing is important but I am basically not involved.

My OH has never had a relationship with his mother so I don't feel this is the standard 'you are not my mother' or a strong desire for them to be together as he has never known that. He is also perfectly happy that his mother is with someone.

I do believe he has lead an incredibly spoilt existence with my OH, mainly due to the limited time they see each other but also the fact he is terrified of not belong allowed to see his son.

I have suggested him and I get counselling to help manage it but babe says I am not a parent and he wants to do it his way and if the child's mother finds out we are getting counselling, he will not be allowed to see him.

My main point now is I am 35 and my OH will not even kiss me goodbye in front of my SS. Therefore, marriage and extending our family is far from his mind.

I feel selfish and also maybe not good enough to have my own children if I cannot even sort this out.

I am at the point though where I am crying daily torn between walking away from the situation but also loving my OH too much.

Help!

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 12/08/2021 11:27

if the child's mother finds out we are getting counselling, he will not be allowed to see him.

Bullshit! He's using her as an excuse. How would she find out, anyway, and why on earth would she care?

RedMarauder · 12/08/2021 11:29

The problem is your DP not you.

He needs to parent his son properly and reassure him that you aren't taking his place. Plus he needs to stop being afraid of contact being blocked as he has an existing relationship with his son if the boy's mother blocks contact then he can got to Court and get a Court Order.

Personally at your age I would just leave and start again. There are single men without children who are 34+. (I dated a few before I ended up dating my DP.) There are also men who have an adult child though they may not want any more children.

RedMarauder · 12/08/2021 11:31

@SpaceshiptoMars

if the child's mother finds out we are getting counselling, he will not be allowed to see him.

Bullshit! He's using her as an excuse. How would she find out, anyway, and why on earth would she care?

I presume the son will tell his mother.

However as there are many different forms of counselling and single father's groups where men can bring their children which are a form of counselling, the boy won't know unless he is told clearly it is counselling.

Ketakones · 12/08/2021 11:35

I have been in a similar position . However, my partner was willing to make changes to how he parented (and even then it has been so so hard and I can't honestly say I would make the decision to stay if I had my time over). This is not a reflection on you or your ability to be a mum. Your partner is parenting from a place of fear. Unless he is willing to change that - this situation will only get worse, especially as the child enters teenage years. A big conversation with your partner is needed here. If you aren't on the same page and if he isn't willing to make some substantial and fast changes, then it might be time to re-evaluate. Especially if you want children. But mainly I send 💐 because this is really tough.

Original poster

hmw18 · 12/08/2021 11:39

A big difficulty is the lack of relationship with his mother as we have no idea what he does communicate. Part of me wants a bit more back up from DP but if it is not yet forthcoming, it probably will never be. I have also suggested we should be talking as a team not just DP talks to SS and then to me... he says he feels torn. But he says it would be too terrifying for SS to have to discuss his feeling with me/then he may not want to come and see him.

OP posts:

Original poster

hmw18 · 12/08/2021 11:41

@Ketakones

Thank you x

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 12/08/2021 11:59

Jesus. You are not the problem, they are. Happy to take plenty from you, but then treat you appallingly. I wouldn't waste any more of your time on this relationship.

Tiredoftattler · 12/08/2021 12:13

OP, your problem is not that you love your OH too much. Your problem may be that you do not love yourself enough. You are afraid to make decisions in your own best interests.

You do not need internet strangers to tell you that this relationship is not satisfying your needs and leading to your happiness.

Your OH is trying to find his way as a parent. At this point, for him that is not a team sport.

You 2 may need counseling to help you better communicate, but you might do better living apart while you navigate these issues..

Ketakones · 12/08/2021 12:13

@hmw18

This is all sounding so familiar and this approach (the talking separately/ not presenting as a team) has definitely not worked in my case. It means the child doesn't see you as a

Ketakones · 12/08/2021 12:18

(Whoops dropped my phone and posted comment accidentally)

It means the child doesn't see you as a legitimate adult/ parental figure. Rather, your partner becomes the 'patriarch' and ultimate decision maker - rather than decisions being made jointly. This is not conducive to an inclusive family environment and will definitely spill over into when/ if you have children with him. Any change that he is willing to make will take years to be properly implemented (realistically). Do you really have that time?

LatentPhase · 12/08/2021 13:52

A brick wall is indeed what it is, it’s a very good description.

You can stop banging your head against it.

I had similar issues and walked away from a man I love. So difficult. But so necessary. The trick is to love yourself more than this.

StepGarlic · 12/08/2021 15:57

I earn significantly more and therefore have paid for them to do things just the two of them and all of our holidays

Stop paying for them for a start.

Then get out of there. He is putting you last and you deserve better.

Bookaholic73 · 12/08/2021 20:03

The fact that you can’t even kiss your OH in front of your step child is awful for you.

If I were you, I’d lay it in the line with your OH and tell him that things either change, or you’re out of there.
But don’t say it as a threat, you need to mean it.

SandyY2K · 13/08/2021 17:48

I'd stop spending your money on them. Just contribute to household bills and hold on to your cash.

It seems strange that he cries when you enter the room, otherwise I would have suggested trying to talk to him and ask what's wrong and if you've done anything to upset him...as you've noticed the change.

Obviously if it's going to distress him, that's not the thing to do, but it must be difficult to continue being in the relationship.

Perhaps you need to let your OH know that it's gotten so bad, you're not sure if you can stay with him. Unless he sees the possible end of you (and your £££) he isn't likely to take action.

Starseeking · 13/08/2021 21:33

You've given your DP too much leeway in this situation OP and he now sees your acquiescence as the norm. He really should have paid for his own holidays for him and his DS, you didn't even get to enjoy them!

If you try and reign this behaviour in now, the next thing you will hear is that you dislike, or are jealous of, his DS. Especially because you don't have DC of your own. Guilt-ridden dads who parent by allowing their DC to dictate in a household always follow the same script.

If you're willing to stick around to hope your DP changes, you'll be waiting for years. Also, it sounds like you want to get married and have DC of your own. At 35, you still have time to meet someone else, and do all of that with them, if you leave now. Prolonging it for another 3 or 4 years will make it that bit trickier for you to do those things.

Tiredoftattler · 14/08/2021 16:31

OP, if marriage is not on your partner's mind, why should he be thinking of parenting as a team activity. He seems to want to find his own path as a parent. That makes perfect sense if he has no immediate plans to marry.

In my opinion, it is always a bad idea to give gifts that come with expectations on your part. Those are not gifts but quid pro quos that you are giving with the expectation that they will buy you a seat at the decision making table.

If you want to gift them a vacation or trip, you should only do so if your expectations is to provide them with a pleasurable experience. If you are giving it with other expectations, you should state that up front.

I believe that you should live apart and see where your relationship goes. You seem to have differing expectations as to the direction of this relationship.

Unlike others, I do not think that he has mislead you or is using you in any way. He accepted gifts that you offered without your explaining that these gifts came with expectations. He has been up front about wanting to make solo decisions about his child. I do not see any deception in his behavior.

If your need to marry or to have a child are not consistent with his you need to take steps that will move you closer to your goals. He may be a great romantic partner and that may be all that he is looking for at the moment. You say that he had this child as the result of a one night stand, perhaps he has no desire to have yet another child.

He may realize that he is financially unprepared to have yet another child and place himself in a possibly contentious situation with yet another woman.

Take him out of the equation, and make a choice that is best for achieving your desired goals.

Genevie82 · 14/08/2021 17:13

Hi OP.. do you spent time with DSS on your own building your separate relationship with him ? Taking him out places, showing an interest in his hobbies? .. that sort of thing?

JustGreatThatIs · 15/08/2021 18:22

Therefore, marriage and extending our family is far from his mind

If this is what you want OP I would leave. Not a chance in hell would I miss my opportunity at the above for this man and his son. I appreciate you love him but I imagine if you did stay and things didn't improve, the resentment that missing out on the above could breed would be massive.

Life is short, id not miss my chance at what I wanted for this situation. Sorry.

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