To be honest not sure if this is best placed in relationships or here - but I suppose my issue is largely with regards to the future premise of full time step-parenting so I've gone for here for now.
So me and my DP have known each other for about 3 years, had some initial dating which ended, then 6 months together which ended in the middle of the first lockdown and now rekindled at the start of this year. DP has two children full time (will refer to them as SC for ease) - DSD age 7 and DSS age 4. I have one DS age 6 who I see every other weekend + more in school holidays.
In terms of contact, I met the SC for a few hours and a handful of times in our previous stint, but this time have had regular contact for approx 6 months - over after work a couple evenings a week and staying over a couple weekends a month. My DS has started to meet them the last couple months - so far just a few playdates at our houses or at parks and 1 day out all together.
I suppose my main concerns are:
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Whilst DSD 7 understands I'm not her dad (bio dad out of life for last 4 years although recent low level contact has started) but understands I can have that type of role as a stepdad (and can understand this as her grandad is actually her DPs stepdad), DP has not explained situation to DSS 4 who, through seeing my DS call me it, now sometimes calls me dad and when asked considers me their dad for all intents and purposes. I expressed some discomfort with this happening so soon and the timing with some contact with bio dad beginning. I feel the situation should be explained to him in an age appropriate way but DP feels you shouldn't challenge that kind of thing with kids (off the back of what someone at the contact centre dealing with their bio dads access to the kids has said to her)
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DSS 4 has obvious signs of anger and behavioural issues - temper tantrums over anything, anger that leads to immediate hitting, kicking, spitting at both children and adults, verbal abuse, vindictive behaviour (suspicions of deliberately peeing on floor and DPs bed in response to something they don't like) and regularly extremely defiant with requests or simple rules (e.g. you can't play with that its not a toy). DP has expressed concerns but doesn't seem to have pushed much for help. Previous nursery would just send DSS home when behaviour was particularly bad and referred DP to a parenting support group where they got some advice which they believe has helped a little. Literally within seconds of searching online I found ODD, whose symptoms sound pretty much spot on - DP agrees, but just says they hope starting school will help and might be able to get help there if the school spot things - no real urge by them to push or flag it at all.
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Combined with 2) above, more generally both DSD and DSS have near zero boundaries at home which I struggle with in comparison to my own upbringing and how I am with my DS. They take their toys wherever they want in the house and are rarely pressured to tidy up even in their own room or living room after play. Clothes, rubbish, paper, toys, random bits are dropped around everywhere and left. They seemingly have full run of the house and can touch and play and move around anything they want even if it's not theirs or not a toy. I find myself helping DP pick up after them regularly out of sympathy and am always spotting seemingly important or delicate stuff floating around and try to put it back in a safe home (e.g. letters, jewellery, perfume bottler). Again have expressed this to DP and seems very little is done about it. There is mention of having to 'choose your battles' but it seems like DP chooses very few if any at all. I have suggested ideas of more rules and boundaries and other methods (e.g. weekly meal plan with the kids to stop tantrums over dinner, reward chart for specific behaviours each day and weekly reward where one child may earn it and the other not and facilitating conversations on why they haven't received enough points) and although sometimes there is agreeance they are never put into action, and even if we start during a weekend where I'm there, the next time I'm over, its clear its gone out of the window. A kind of reward system was started but DP only ever aimed for them to both have the same points at the end of the day to avoid confrontation (which I think she does massively all the time, to pander to DSS and avoid tantrums) and it didn't have clear sections for behaviours/times of the day etc, just for example randomly give them say 2 points each for eating a decent amount of dinner so not very consistent. Anyway that was soon forgotten about after about a week. Rarely are threats followed through and its rare for big consequences to result after a day of poor behaviour - sometimes tablets or TV are banned but then I think DP struggles with that because the kids are in moods and just end up arguing and fighting over everything the next day.
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I am now regularly called in as the 'bad cop', particularly for DSS when he is being really challenging. For example if he is refusing to brush teeth, DP claims they can't do it and needs me to hold him and do it for him - a messy and stressful job. Inconsistent use of timeouts (numerous times seen him let off with apologies he doesn't mean or just repeated threats) for DSS tantrums and violent behaviour are often delegated to me to put him there when I'm around and dealing with his punching, kicking and spitting in my face
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My own DS (diagnosed ASD) by comparison is so much more obedient, respectful, and understands rules and expectations clearly. However I accept only have him a limited amount of time and by the accounts of his mother, I very rarely see the worst of him (meltdowns etc). My DP is really impressed by his behaviour but thinks he is the exception and that the SC are more normal than I think and its unfair to compare them and want them to have the same level of behaviour. Outside of my own childhood (where I wouldn't dream of treating the house as they do and never witnessed any friends doing similar) and my DS I don't really have an understanding of whether this really is 'normal'
All in all this is leading me to question whether I really could live with them full time in the future. A nice family life is something we have both expressed we have wanted. The SC is just too stressful for me and our parenting approaches seem too different. Even if DP compromised heavily with what I would want to do to improve DSS behaviour as well as the general around the house stuff for both SC (clear carrot and stick, consistently applied, accept it will be a really rough start for a few weeks) I can't help but feel it would fall largely on me to actually ensure the consistency and deal with the worst of DSS. It has also made me completely against the idea of any more children in the future (was leaning no but open to it previously) - as I cannot imagine the stress of a newborn on top of this - which when expressed has also caused issues in our relationship.
I suppose in hindsight, this time around we probably rushed into me being in their lives so frequently and should have kept to visits after bedtime for longer, but what's happened has happened. I was also quick to step in (and DP was okay with this) with discipline and being allowed to tell them to do/not do things etc. For now I am trying to back out a bit and take a step back and let DP do the majority of telling off and discipline unless it is something directly affecting me or really dangerous etc and trying to avoid being dragged into the 'bad cop' (e.g. trying to keep busy with washing dishes and cleaning up after dinner etc whilst DP is doing getting ready for bed with SC which includes brushing teeth) as I'm just finding its too stressful and I guess the argument in my head is it's not on me to police her parenting or their behaviour.
Not sure if this can work long term with such differences between us in parenting (never mind when it comes to housework and the mental load - which I feel she tries to shift a huge amount onto me when I'm around)
Any general advice appreciated. Its been tricky to boil this down to some specific questions but some I think could be good to get views on are:
- Is the behaviour I describe in 3) above fairly 'normal' or do I have too high expectations or am a control freak? (examples of expectations - don't touch stuff that belongs to DP without asking, don't bring toys to the dinner table, don't bring toys into DPs room, you're not allowed to move that massive toy from your room to the living room, you have to tidy up all of this before you get that toy out next)
- What's the best approach for a step-parent coming in - should I be getting as stuck into discipline and suggesting changes etc as I have or more hands off as I'm now trying to be? How does that transition into the time in the future (12-18 months) where we may have the opportunity to live together?
- Anyone with experience of ODD or similar type behaviour and how best to deal with it?