DC and new baby

[Bonchance125]

Has anyone had a positive outcome from DSCs rejecting new (ish) baby?
I know babies are boring, and I don’t ask for their help but try and keep them involved but it’s not working. Tried having time just for them, organising fun things to do, ignoring it, trying to discuss, you name it. But is now refusing to be in the same room and treats baby as if they are repulsive!

Hoping there’s a positive outcome and just need time to adjust.

How old is your DSC? We have this here and it hasn't improved I'm sorry to say. I also tried everything and have decided now it is her choice and I need to respect it. Once she is not nasty I just get on with it. Not what you wanted to hear I know. I hope someone has a better example.

@Lovelybottom Thank you for being honest! I thought that may be the case tbh things are getting worse. They’re now in high school so but of an age gap.

We had it here. DSS was 7 when I feel pregnant. He was utterly unimpressed to put it mildly ( has 2 younger siblings at mums). He liked that he got to be centre of attention in our house. He was a bit meh with the baby as a new born, held him for the odd photo but not overly interested.
Now DS is a toddler and more engaging he is a brilliant big brother, reads him books, gets down on the floor and plays with him.
He still get a hit of an eye roll if we playing a board game and the baby wakes up from his nap but on the whole hes adjusted quite well.
He also has his own room with books, Lego, robots ect so he can retreat when his brother is being an annoying toddler.
I'm afraid no one can tell you what way it's going to go. I would say be patient

It got better when LO was a bit more entertaining and smiled and laughed with them. I'd stop trying to get them involved with baby. They might feel like everything now revolves around baby. Is their parent spending lots of time with them and doing 1 on 1 activities. It is their relationship that has been challenged most and their parent will need to nurture this. If they refuse to be in the same room just try and carry on, your baby has as much right to be in that room as they do.

@clickychicky @Aimee1987
Thank you. When I say “get them involved” I mean in the absolute most minimal involvement short of basically pretending baby doesn’t exist in front of them.
Really conscious of changes to relationships and always make sure there’s plenty of 1 to 1 time, everyone has their own room so no imposing on anyone else when they’re trying to have some peace. Baby is great at bedtime so usually asleep by 7, but we have a video monitor and even that causes a problem if it’s pointing in the wrong direction.

Baby is great at bedtime so usually asleep by 7, but we have a video monitor and even that causes a problem if it’s pointing in the wrong direction. oh dear.

It definitely got better as LO got older but it sounds like there is deep resentment here. Is it just the one DSc? Has DP spoken to them in private about it with no judgement? We found it helped to acknowledge they might feel a bit weird about it.

Some ideas:
Making sure if DP used to cuddle DSC he kept up with that.
Making youngest one still feel like they were young and cute but also older with cool responsibilities (hard to get this right.)
Taking the DSC out for walks/fun things that LO was too young to join in with. Similarly I took LO out for things. This also gives you a break from the hostility.
DP does take a bit of step back from helping with LO when they are here, as we find it works for us but he still has to help, can't just ditch LO when DSC are here.

Has maintenence reduced? And if so has their other parent complained about this? It could be resentment there too. Eg. Daddy gives mummy less money now baby is here and she is sad.

You can't control that really.

What do you mean about the baby monitor?

A high school aged child is getting annoyed that they can see a baby on a video screen?

[quote Bonchance125]@Lovelybottom Thank you for being honest! I thought that may be the case tbh things are getting worse. They’re now in high school so but of an age gap.[/quote]
I think that if they are high school age there may be some embarrassment around sex and babies and thoughts of parents "doing it". I would not push it as babies may not be interesting and just an annoyance to a much older child.

@clickychicky
Our situation sounds quite similar. Dp has tried so hard and I feel like it must be so hard to have such a barrier between your own kids.

DP is great, has tried talking it through, makes sure DSC gets to do lots of nice things just the two of them. At first I thought it was just resentment when DP was with LO, and things were ok when DP was elsewhere and I had LO. But actually I have noticed that’s not the case.

@DiddlySquatWilson yes, jut that basically

@Lunde agreed but surely there is a cut off point to that. I’m not pushing anything really, I don’t want to walk on eggshells forever as punishment for having sex a year ago 😂

Maybe stop trying so hard and just make sure you keep up lots of 1:1 time during contact.

It will get easier when the baby can interact more. Just relax for now.

I don't think my situation is as extreme as yours, but yes, we had a few issues. It got so much better over time and now they get on well. I think also I was feeling very protective of my baby so had to make sure I wasn't reading too much into things.

Most importantly make sure you enjoy your baby, you shouldn't have to miss out on anything because you feel you have to tread on eggshells around DSC.

@clickychicky Absolutely. I’m sort of in the arena of “if you don’t want to be in the room/go out to a place together, then as long as you realise you’re the one missing out then that’s your choice”
I really have tried my absolute best. It’s Dp I feel for

I think keep doing what you're doing and making sure plenty of time with Dad. But I also wouldn't be pandering to nonsense like being unable to be in the room when the baby monitor is on from a child that age.

Does your DSC have younger siblings at their mum's house? Or were they an only child until your baby came along? Maybe they are struggling to come to terms with not being the centre of everyone's universe any longer.

I don’t have DSC (or a baby,) but is it possible that they’re essentially acting like this because it gets them attention? Not saying at all that they don’t get any attention, but they’ve realised that if they object to the baby being in the room/to the camera on the monitor facing the wrong way then they’re given reassurance etc…

I don’t know how old your baby is, but tbh I wouldn’t engage with this behaviour any more. If they want to leave the room then fine. They’re secondary age, they’re perfectly capable of entertaining themselves. And I wouldn’t be putting up with them tantruming about the baby monitor. Your DH needs to just stand firm on that.

I absolutely realise that a new baby can leave a child feeling as if they’ve been replaced by a shiny new family, but I also think that it’s possible to give it too much attention, iyswim. If we assume that the kids will be upset, then we act as if they are, and then give them more attention and recognition than they would otherwise get.

Babies are a bit dull to secondary aged kids anyway, and a lot of kids would behave like that with their own full siblings, but the baby is here now, and your DH needs to parent his children and make it clear that while they are perfectly entitled to want nothing to do with the baby, tantrums and demands won’t be tolerated.

@AlternativePerspective

I don’t have DSC (or a baby,) but is it possible that they’re essentially acting like this because it gets them attention? Not saying at all that they don’t get any attention, but they’ve realised that if they object to the baby being in the room/to the camera on the monitor facing the wrong way then they’re given reassurance etc…

I don’t know how old your baby is, but tbh I wouldn’t engage with this behaviour any more. If they want to leave the room then fine. They’re secondary age, they’re perfectly capable of entertaining themselves. And I wouldn’t be putting up with them tantruming about the baby monitor. Your DH needs to just stand firm on that.

I absolutely realise that a new baby can leave a child feeling as if they’ve been replaced by a shiny new family, but I also think that it’s possible to give it too much attention, iyswim. If we assume that the kids will be upset, then we act as if they are, and then give them more attention and recognition than they would otherwise get.

Babies are a bit dull to secondary aged kids anyway, and a lot of kids would behave like that with their own full siblings, but the baby is here now, and your DH needs to parent his children and make it clear that while they are perfectly entitled to want nothing to do with the baby, tantrums and demands won’t be tolerated.

Completely agree with this. We didn't have this with DSS but if we had done, we would not be pandering to it if it had gone as far as it seems to with your DSC. A bit of reassurance here and there, yes, but after a certain point they are being rude to/about another human being and need to be told to buck up their ideas. I would pull back on indulging them.

OP has dad been mentioning he feels caught in the middle ? I ask this because behind every acting out (child and SC) is a parenting not parenting.

Understanding and sympathy is one thing, mollycoddling and allowing bad behaviour over guilt of having a another baby is another.

What is DH doing to tackle all this ?

Walking on eggshells is a atmosphere I wouldn't accept from anyone let alone any child in my home.

I’m a bit more of the opinion that if you don’t like it then no one is forcing you to sit here etc.
DH is doing his best but admittedly I think caught in the middle. He’s tried all he can and will pull them up on the ridiculous stuff, like making a silly face etc when he’s holding LO. I think we’re now in a bit of stand off of him having to look after LO occasionally and if DSCs can’t accept that then they will miss out on time with DH.

OP, you are probably overreacting a bit. Why is it a problem if the older child makes a silly face? Who is harmed or damaged by that? If the silly face is ignored, the older child will have had his/her moment and realized that no one was impressed or concerned about that response.

You say that you are ensuring that the older child gets adequate 1 on 1 time with dad, but if the older child is not feeling that it is adequate it really does not matter that you or even dad feel as it is adequate . It matters that the older child feels that it is adequate. When you baby cries to be fed, you don't respond by saying that I think that you should not be hungry. Instead, you respond to the child's need.

Give it time, your step child will grow and mature. Your baby will grow and become more interesting to the older child. If both of these children are treated well and made to feel secure and wanted within your household, time will probably create the bonding between them.

To be honest - it sounds like it has been pushed too hard and too much fuss made.

Take a step back and let them adjust - don't force them to do things with the baby. Totally agree re the sex thing - my eldest totally grossed out that his DF is considering having more DCs with current partner