Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

How much input do you have in sc behaviour

16 replies

hellotello · 31/07/2021 20:21

Just this. Wondering any stepparents , what sort of input do you think is acceptable, how far do you go with rules and sticking to them , and would you feel comfortable giving out rules and make them stick to them ?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

mommabear2386 · 01/08/2021 05:45

I played a very very backseat role. Left all the rule making and disapline to DH.
I had a few bits that I enforced like refusing to go out until the kids were nicely dressed and making them look smart on family occasions. I'd speak to my partner about think like bed time / teeth brushing / naugtly behaviour but never dealt with anything myself.

Sunshinedaisymeadowsxx · 01/08/2021 05:54

I was involved with DSS as I would spend a fair bit of time alone with him due to mine and my DH shifts. (His DM knew I was and was happy with this arrangement before the Qs come in 🤣🤣)
I didn’t want him walking all over me when I was with him so the expectations were of him when he was with me that were with my DH and same with DSS DM.

He’s an adult now and he we’ve a fab relationship and we’ve both the upmost respect toward each other

clickychicky · 01/08/2021 07:25

If it affects me or will hurt them then I step in. I don't have a say in their table manners etc but if it's something I feel is in their best interest I let DH know. He normally then sorts it out.

clickychicky · 01/08/2021 07:26

We don't really have many rules, and I just don't get involved with the screen time/bed time debacle.

Iwantatrio · 01/08/2021 08:00

I don’t get involved. My kids understand they have to live by my rules regardless so inconsistency isn’t an issue.

TheFoz · 01/08/2021 16:24

I get involved to the point that I tell them to clean up after themselves if they’ve made food, but unless I’m in the vicinity of the kitchen they won’t do it. I will tell them to keep their shoes off the furniture. Dp deals with (or doesn’t) their screen time, bedtime, hygiene, homework.
I don’t feel like it’s my job to parent them but he’s Disney dad so sometimes I have to.

Rtmhwales · 01/08/2021 16:28

Mine are here 50/50. I made it very clear before we moved in together that we got on the same page parenting and that we both had the authority to set and enforce rules regarding behavior etc. So I parent them the same as my own DS, same rules for everyone. DP is very much a hands on parent with all three thankfully and they seem to benefit from consistency. The DSC are respectful of me and very close to me (in fact the 7 year old asked if he could call me Mum too .. don't worry, I said no and explained why!) so hasn't seem to have affected much.

Their rules at their mum's are very very different and they're well aware. She's much more lax about things but they seem to enjoy our place (more so, if I'm being honest) despite the rules.

StarryNight468 · 01/08/2021 21:58

I tell me dss to stop doing things when it affects my dc - ie keep your hands to yourself, don't spit your food back on to your plate, when he's winding my dd up ect. I don't get involved in his ridiculous bedtime (10.30 last night and he's 8) screen time or hygiene. H doesn't like it when I get involved but I don't particularly care, if he doesn't like it he should parent his child himself so I don't have to step in to ensure my dc aren't being forced to endure his sons shit behaviour.

Argh can you tell its been a contact weekend! Dss isn't an awfully behaved child for the most part.

KylieKoKo · 01/08/2021 22:58

I've never really got involved apart from if I needed to stop them doing something for their own safety. If I feel strongly about anything I have a word to dp and he deals with it but that rarely happens.

Themadcatparade · 11/08/2021 10:22

We generally have 50/50 when it comes to monitoring behaviour (we have one child each) but when he is in the room as well I leave the first say to him. And when he is telling off or whatever I step back and don’t overrule him. Any serious punishments such as stealing etc (unfortunately that has happened) I leave to him.

He often asks if there is anything. He can do better and trusts me enough for me to tell him if I feel he could step it up or he’s being unfair or too slack etc. Same reverse role with mine.

Habber · 15/08/2021 21:36

I say something when it’s in front of me so stop fighting or say please/thank you/sorry but I call for DP to sort most of it out. Sometimes I get annoyed with DP though and tell him off about stuff later on 😂

MrsMarrioo · 28/08/2021 19:30

I'm a firm believer in being under my roof means abiding by my rules. My SC mum is well aware and has openly said if discipline is required then go ahead. Of course, I wouldn't shout at him, or drag him to his room as don't feel that's my place but I damn right correct table manners, bogie eating, bath time, tidy mess up etc.

Both myself and my husband are very lucky to get on with my SC mum very well therefore we try and co parent together singing off the same hymn sheet.

OneSwallowSummer · 28/08/2021 19:34

I think it hugely depends on how old they were when you met them. Mine were 3 & 6. They are now 16 & 19. DH and I agreed house rules and we both enforce them although any actual punishment was carried out by DH. It's the same rule for all 4 of our kids. I do consider them "my kids", they are my stepkids but they're still mine! If DH and I divorced I would still maintain a relationship with them.

CoconutGal · 12/09/2021 08:14

I have a lot of input in regards to boundaries & rules. Generally though OH & I have similar rules. Things like mealtimes not being in front of the tv but actually sitting at the table instead is something I enforce because otherwise DSD (3) won't eat. However i do call for help from OH.

dorris88 · 12/09/2021 08:53

I would say very involved but my DH and I have the same views on behaviour etc. I'd say 9 times out of 10 I would point out bad behaviour to my DH to monitor and he does but if bad behaviour effects me or my DD then I 100% would react without a second thought. Same way as when my nephew hit my DD I reacted.

When I met my DH he was letting his DC eat whatever, arguing constantly about how much they ate, putting in fake boundaries (if you don't eat, you won't get pudding - and giving it anyway) and he admitted he didn't want to waste his short amount of time disciplining but to anyone other than him his DC was a demon 😂 5 years on it's a dream compared

Tiredtiredtired100 · 12/09/2021 23:58

I’m a mix of these. If left alone with the kids then I think it’s reasonable that I’m going to tell them off and discipline (I.e. if you don’t tidy up the mess then you can’t do x,y, z). If DP is present I tell them off but leave any punishments to him, except with both have toddlers who occasionally need time out and we have learned that the step parent doing this is more effective as they don’t really want our attention, so we do both use that form of discipline for each other’s children. I would still say that 99% of the time we discipline our own child(ren) though.

Flip