SD being sick every time she visits

[Lorddenning1]

Bit of background, we have her stay one day every weekend, and one night during the week, but she doesn't stay over. She is very close to her mum and she will be 4 next month. She is starting school in September.
Her mum doesn't have a bedtime routine with her, she goes to bed when her mum goes to bed and she sleeps in the same bed. I have 2 boys, 10 and 4, the youngest will be starting school in September also.
When she stays over when the boys aren't here, she cries when she goes to bed, then she throws up. We have talked to her about it and we thought she understood that she shouldn't make herself be sick etc.
She only does this when the boys aren't here, when they are here, she goes to bed with no problems. She sleeps well and has a routine. Recently she had also started to cry when we collect her and says she wants to stay with mummy. Once we drive away she is fine.
I think she is a sensitive little girl and is very bright. But I think she is anxious and her mum is her safety net and I think the change of staring big school is playing on her mind.
Is there anything we can do to help her, her dad is very upset tonight as he thinks she doesn't want to be here and he feels bad that he is forcing her to be here. I think it's just a phase, as my eldest was anxious about starting school and would go to the toilet all the time, I thought he had a urine infection but he didn't. How can we help her?

If it's the school thing then hopefully it will be sorted in September.

Hopefully, do think it's because she is starting school?

I think you’re right, her mum is her safety net and she seems like she’s anxious.
You sound like a lovely, caring stepmum.
I know it sounds obvious… but have you asked why she’s getting so anxious?
My youngest SD was 6 when I met my DP and even though my younger bio kids would settle themselves she had been used to sleeping with mummy at home and occasionally daddy before I met him.

For a while we let her sleep on an air mattress in our room on the floor (she had her own bedroom) but it made her feel calmer.

Then into her own room with daddy on the floor on the air mattress…
Then in her room with the doors open and light on the hallway…
Then no light…
Then doors shut…

It took around 6 months but the gradual transition eased her anxiety xx

6 months sounds like loads but it was only weekends (3 out of 4) so realistically it took 18 weekends

Start a new routine and give her a hot water bottle every time she comes.

I think the infrequency in which she stays with her dad doesn't help. I think staying 2 nights, at least, every week on a regular schedule might make things smoother.

Has she got a cuddly toy or a comforter of some sort she can take between houses?

We have asked if she can stay 2 nights, one at the weekend and once during the week but her mum said no.
She does bring round teddy's that she has at home and at our house.
When the boys are here she doesn't do this, she goes down fine and is ok, it's only when they aren't here.
She has been fine staying over and no crying since she was a baby, but it's only started the last month she has been staying, so she did it once, boys weren't here, then the next weekend she didn't do it, boys were here and then the next 2 weekends she has done it. The last 2 times it's been when she is in bed, last night she did it when she was getting ready for bed, we mentioned putting her pjs on, we didn't right away but then she went to cuddle daddy and was falling asleep on him, then she stood up crying, and I gave her a cuddle and then she just threw up all over me and her.
We have a good routine with her and her mum used to ask us for tips as she never went to bed at home. But it's over the last month throngs has changed, this is why I'm thinking is it due to her starting school and she is unsettled.

If she goes to bed with mum at home and goes to bed no problem when your ds are there then it sounds like she's just scared of being upstairs in bed alone. Which is an understandable fear.
Does she have a night light?
Do you go downstairs or sit with her until she falls asleep?
Perhaps on nights where your ds are away you could relax in your room with both bedroom doors open and see if that reassured her?
*
. We have talked to her about it and we thought she understood that she shouldn't make herself be sick etc.*

She's probably too young to be able to be reasoned out of this, it sounds as if it's coming from a place of fear and she needs comfort and reassurance not logic.

If she only stays one night every week then I can see why it's going to be hard for her to get into a routine. Could your DH ask for A whole weekend EOW? It doesn't sound like she gets much contact with him.

It sounds like a fear/anxiety thing so she probably can't just not be sick. I had terrible anxiety when I was younger.

Would it help if she called her mum in the evening before bed?

She sounds anxious, 4 is difficult age. Lots of developmental changes, increased awareness and lots of changes in life as well especially with school, maybe she's aware she's leaving nursery as well? My daughter found contact at her Dad's very stressful at that age, even though she'd being doing it for years. It was just a manifestation of how adjusting was hard at that point, she was changing & life was changing, it was not that she didn't want to see her Daddy. Children of this age are usually creatures of habit and respond well to routine. If she's not used to being alone in bed this could be part of her anxiety and It may be she's struggling with the different bedtime routine, but @SpongebobNoPants gives a great example of how routines can be re-set. Children can and do cope with different routines in different homes, they just need to be eased into them. As for the being sick when the boys aren't there, I wonder if they are distraction for her & company upstairs (i.e. she's not alone up there) hence why she doesn't get so stressed? From my own experience, I'd keep to the one night and wait till she's coping well before extending to 2. When she starts school she's likely to get very tired and this can add to the anxiety as well.

You really can't rationalize with kids of this age at all so directly addressing the issue with her likely won't help and may just be confusing. Comfort, boundaries, routine, patience and consistency all help with anxious kids :-)

Thank you everyone, I have read your replies to my OH, and he also says thank you. He is going to stay with her upstairs when she goes to bed as he agrees he think she may be scared. She has a night light, but he asked her if she is scared when she goes to bed and yeah replied yeah of dragons.
She has also started to bite her nails, she is cuddled up to her dad and is biting her nails, we have never noticed this before.
We are moving into a new house soon and she is starting school, any of these can be unsettling for a little girl. She also mentioned this morning that her mummy is always sad, so she is a very switched in for her age. We will continue to support her and try and reassure her as much as we can do. We have asked for more contact with her but her mum says no. Sometimes we get to have her a full weekend when her mum has plans.

Aw bless her, she's got a lot going on.

If she goes to bed with mum at home and goes to bed no problem when your ds are there then it sounds like she's just scared of being upstairs in bed alone. Which is an understandable fear.

Yes I thought the same, I was like that when younger!

Poor little scrap does indeed have a lot going on. It must all seem a bit of a muddle to her. It is so hard to make sure a child maintains a relationship with both parents without it feeling very disruptive to the child.

Personally I think this all needs renegotiating as it is clearly not working for her, nor for everyone else.

If she is saying her Mum is sad all the time, she may of course be worrying about her Mum - you do not know what is said before she leaves. It is when she is lying in bed that she is likely to worry about this as no distractions; and also she is used to company in bed, so that too must feel very hard for her.

Is there some way her paternal contact could be daytime (or in September after school) only? - she might be able to cope with that better. Her needs are not being met at the moment and the grown-ups around her need to try every different permutation until they find what she can cope with. As she grows she may find it easier to do nights.

What a difficult situation for you all.

Do you have a good relationship with her mum?
She's struggling to get dd into a routine, dd is highly anxious and says mummy is "always sad"
It sounds like her mum is having a hard time.
Is there any way you could approach this with her to see if you can help/offer support?
(I do appreciate that's not always possible though)