Please just help...rebuilding relationships, pressured to meet up.

[SeatonSands]

I'm feeling pressed into meeting with my 'step son', his new GF and new baby son. Meeting to happen this weekend.

My partner and I have applied for counselling but it hasn't come through.
I'm reading advice online but just need to talk, huge backstory...don't know where to start in sorting this.

Ok so I take it your currently working on your relationship so maybe not together right now but trying to work things out?
He's wanting you to meet the new baby.
Do you not want to meet because of your relationship atm?
Do you get on with DS?

Think we need abit more info op

Thanks for reading on @Cocomade. I'm trying to work out even where I start - but even that is helping in working through what is important and why this is such a mess.

Where to start.

SS has been estranged from us all for a period of time, I've not seen him in over two years.

He was married with a daughter ( now 5). He and his wife have parted and during the last year he has moved in with a new girlfriend and her three children. They have had a baby together, who is now a month old.

I encouraged my DP to pick up some contact with his son, they've met over the last year or so, just the two of them, for a coffee occasionally. A way to 'air their upset' and try to repair some of what has happened.

DP strongly feels the right thing to do was meet the new GF before the baby was born. There was a plan for us all to meet, 'step' kids included. I had declined to do this but DP had let them think I had agreed. He cancelled on the day and of course they were upset.

DP went to his DS's new house and met his sons girlfriend just before she had the baby. I didn't know that meeting was taking place.
There is pressure from DS 'to make this right' for him to have reinvented himself, for us all to play 'happy families'.

SS doesn't have access to his DD, courts are involved. His DW won't let him have access. We haven't seen our DGD in over two years either as decided by her DM.

Estrangement with SS came about for both DP and I due to SS being in a dysfunctional first marriage and him using alcohol as a defence.
DP bailed him out financially and had been bailing out the marriage financially too - all unbeknown to me. DP has agreed a minimal repayment plan with his DS.
During his marriage, we were treat pretty badly, lied to, always having to 'keep quiet' so as not to upset anyone.

Now we are under pressure, we also feel that morally, not just pressure from DS to meet our new DGS.

Sorry - what a mess. Not sure how clear all of that is, it feels overwhelming to even explain let alone work through.

@SeatonSands there's a lot doing on there but what mainly struck me is the large level of inter generational dysfunction in your dp's family. He and his son are dysfunctional, his son and his first dc are dysfunctional. His son has a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol & I'd bet this new relationship will end up in trouble also. You and your dp are also operating at a certain level of dysfunction as in you've been 'lied' to regarding money & bail outs. Whether or not this was joint money or your dp's money is moot. You are in a relationship and he has chosen to 'hide' various financial outlays & meet ups from you & there will be a significant erosion of trust now I'd imagine.
These are not issues that are easily solvable & as you know your dp playing happy families will solve nothing as will his expecting you to comply.
If I were in your shoes I would tell dp that you do not want to be involved in this dynamic until you both have had counselling as his relationship with his ds is directly impacting you & you feel a bit of distance is needed for you guys to work on the issues that have impacted your relationship. I would encourage him to see his ds for coffee as he was, but I would discourage him from getting embroiled in the wider family dynamic until you guys have had a chance to catch your breath in counselling.
I have seen many a relationship, both intact & blended, fall apart due to one parent choosing to enable adult dc financially, emotionally etc.
Your dp is in a difficult position I know, as his ds will always be his ds but for his sake, his ds's sake & your sake he needs to learn how to step back & that is very difficult without professional help.
Dp is enabling his ds & in turn wants you to enable him (dp) by supporting him. I honestly think if your relationship is to have any chance you need to stand firm.

@Magda72 - tears here.

Your post back up what I already think - in the main.

I suppose I want to be challenged to change my views, that I'm the one not thinking correctly and that I need to be more open and flexible.

Issues for DP are the sense of duty, about not meeting our new grandchild - 'what kind of grandparents are we!'
He also feels that if we don't do this now, that will be it and we'll never repair the relationship. I do agree but my fear is, get the restart of the relationship wrong and it will implode anyway.

I also find it more difficult to 'smile and say the right things' than DP. I'm much more 'tough love' with my own. I think lack of addressing issues and holding to account at times, just creates more issues and things fester.
DP thinks we should meet the baby for an hour, then we've done our bit. I'm already worrying about -'and then what'. Does that signify acceptance and happy families, how do we manage the relationship from then on?

DP is also under pressure from his DS to make it right.

DP and I have been together 12 years, live together, full committed happy relationship - except for this. So much damage done. I don't feel it right that I should 'come first',before his own children, but I do expect to be considered and certainly not lied to.

I also have a sense of unfairness. We have other DC's but can't offer them to same amount of money as this DS. It will take him about 20 years to pay back his debt. It isn't what I asked for in DP and I trying to repair our relationship or our relationship with SS.
I wanted a clean break regarding the finances, I don't want SS and his GF to be indebted to us, I don't want to be wondering why he is able to buy a car, when he can't pay back his DF. I wanted SS to take out a lump sum loan, so that financially we aren't tied. He can't.

@SeatonSands sending you many hugs.
I'll pm you later if that's ok as I've had experience of a situation very like yours but to properly go into it here would be very outing.
Fwiw I think you are thinking correctly - you're just being realistic whereas your dp seems to be reacting emotionally.

Thanks!

It's all come to a head again today as we have to commit to a time this weekend. Pressure feels immense.

So, what you have here is a DP problem. He lies to you and about you, and he goes behind your back. He also funds his family members without telling you, which isn't on if you are a partnership, and especially if you are financially entangled.

There must be something very upsetting for you in the relationship with SS, if you don't want to meet with him. I'm not criticising that, just recognising it because brushing it under the carpet isn't working.

You have other DCs who don't get the financial support SS has had, and he might take twenty years to repay? How old are you, OP? How old is your DP?

What is your financial position if your DP suddenly decides your relationship is over? Or dies? You've been together a long time. Is your home owned? What legal claim do you have on it? These are the mn 'relationship questions'!

I think there might be more to think about than just the unwanted meet.

Thanks again. I am trying to be open and honest here because I do want to work through it.

Yes, I know this is so very much about my DP and our relationship. I am quite hard on him too, forthright!
He is a very caring, lovely man, easy going, likes to help. That's why I love him...but we both agree he is too lovely at times.

This is about his DC's, I think he over compensates for the fact that his marriage wasn't happy and his exW also had drink issues. His line is always 'but we made sure the DC's had a good childhood'.
He is much more tough, in a senior role professionally, having to hold others to account.

Financially, he earns more than me but we both have professional jobs and decent pensions. We live in my house, my mortgage is nearly paid off. We both have very decent savings. He has invested in some refurb and furniture in my house and we were about to legally assign a percentage of the house (it works out at 5%) to him. We do need to write a will. Mine leaves everything to my DC's.

I do have enough savings to pay off everything he has spent and my mortgage. We own our own cars etc. Financially day to day, we just quite easily share. I pay the service bills and the small mortgage, he pays for food, treats, nights out and holidays. We are both quite relaxed about it.
I can manage financially on my own. I made sure, following divorce that, that was a priority.

I know that I can't expect that he doesn't use his money to support his children and have made that clear to him.
My conversation with him is about the resulting factors - if it is 'his money, his kids' ...that's fine - but then we need to disentangle our money further. I will pay him back the investment in the house and we'll set up an account to fund our daily living costs.

I'm upset about the lying and at the point of finding out about the money and about the visit I was on the verge of ending the relationship - devastating for us both

Have pm'd you there @SeatonSands

You sound sensible and well-organised, OP. Do increase your personal financial security in this situation. I can well understand why you've considered ending the relationship.

Forgot to add @DoingItMyself - a good one to consider - There must be something very upsetting for you in the relationship with SS - I've had to stop and think.

Perhaps that is the challenge I need.

I think it is because he is self centred, he is a liar that appears to reinvent himself. He has put us in difficult positions in the past where we have had to cover for him - as did his wife - and some of that has backfired in lack of contact with his ex and our DGC. I see him as devious. I see that he expects his DF to always be there. I don't think his DF deserves to be put in such awful positions by him.

Oh dear.

If mine and DP's relationship wasn't so good the rest of the time, I would walk away.

Another post, just because time is moving on and I would welcome more support. 😥

Hope you are ok. Can you live with this relationship as it is, or would moving on bring you peace of mind?

I don't know what I feel. Ending my relationship with my DP would be massive, we are really happy and apart from this have a great life together. I hate lies and the stress is telling.

I have talked with my DP about ending our relationship, that I can choose to walk away because the issues are caused by his DS - who isn't a part of me - iyswim - I can move on because I don't want to be part of his family.
He says if I walk away, he would stop all contact with his DS and DGC - to be with me - but I don't want that either. That is a dreadful choice for him to have to make. He accepts my right to do that though.

The meeting has been delayed till early next week - simply because SS and his family have another commitment this weekend.

We are awaiting a councillor to call us back today.

Offering a potential solution ….

1. Disentangle your finances, make clear what you want from your partner financially for living in your house, split bills equally. Then what he chooses to do with his money after that point doesn’t affect / impact on you.

Assuming you have no joint DCs you do what you wish with your money, he with his.

And then (2) can’t you just say, respectfully, that while you understand he wants a relationship with his DS, you don’t? And you just step back from that?

Your h is kidding himself. I understand why he's got his head in the sand (seeing one child and his son is better than nothing) but pressuring you to pretend that the past didn't happen is cheeky. It makes his life easier if he gets you to also pretend that everything else didn't happen but you're not his Mum and can see everything clearly.

Whether or not that's possible depends on loads of factors like how often you're supposed to be pretend and how your h acts when his son isn't around. For example I couldn't accept pretending grandchild 1 didn't exist even though his mum had cut contact.

sowhat - yes, that is one of the options we've discussed, then what ever he does with his money, however he shares with his DC's is his choice. It would all be independent of me.

allthesingles - I'm not sure how often we would expect to meet up. I suppose that's what we are trying to sort now. We have a new grandchild that we haven't met...it feels wrong, it puts pressure on but if we meet early next week, then what? Does that signify all is well? What if it isn't? What about the next visit.

No word from the counsellor who was supposed to ring today...

Thanks for talking to me.

Gosh this is very tricky for you. I wonder if, as others have suggested, you could split your finances separately from your DP then you might not be so worried about how he supports his son. Im on my second marriage and we have a joint account for living expenses and both have individual accounts too. This means that we can each support our children without affecting our relationship. It's nothing to do with my husband how I spend my spare money and vice versa.

Not seeing a new grandchild is bound to cause problems so perhaps you could just visit and see how it goes?

A good solution from @sowhatsnext..... have separate finances. Although if you're paying bills / mortgage and him food / treats etc isn't that sort of happening on an informal basis? What you have left you can do what you want with. So at the time he was bailing out his son was it affecting you financially? Do you have joint children?
Tell DP you're not ready to meet his son and family yet. You do not need to explain any further.
Why is his son so insistent on you meeting him? I think he has some nerve after what's happened. I suspect his new GF doesn't know any of this.
Out of interest, and apologies if you have already said, but where is his mum in all of this and what's her position?

Thank you, it's great to keep talking @Hiphopboppertybop99

No, I don't suppose him bailing his son out affects me financially. I have my own salary, house etc. He could afford to pay off his son's debts, in cash.

One of the issues is as a result of SS's previous marriage, pressure on his dad to pay the mortgage or sub him at the end of the month, whilst for instance being able to treat his wife to private plates for her car, or book a family holiday abroad; going to stay with them and having to buy every meal, takeaway, milk for the fridge.

I feel that whilst SS is beholden to us for his debt, that I will be or expect DP to be on his heels about his spending...'a new car, a holiday...hang on, the priority is the debt, how can you afford?'...(the priority should have been the debt before another baby....) and I don't want to feel like that, I don't want them to feel they are indebted to us, their money and finances are their business, not ours...except...

We have other DC's, none of them, other than support for university have had any sort of lump sum. We wouldn't be able to afford to give or even lend the other 4 DC's the £20,000 SS owes back.

'Mum' is living her own life. It was her suggestion that DP paid off their son's debts. No contribution from her at all. I feel quite upset about that too as she is now playing 'happy granny' with SS and his new family, yet we are left with this financial enmeshment and damage to our relationship as a hangover.

DP has met a counsellor. His advice is to go and meet the new baby, to separate our DGC from the rest of the issues.

Not looking forward to it tbh and have had about 3 hours sleep, up worrying.

Are the other DC yours or his?

You say you have left your estate to your DC not to DP so I am unsure why he should not be allowed to give his DS money of he wants too.

It sounds like you want to control what DP does with his money and who he is allowed to see.

If your finances are separate as you say then it's up to your DH what or who he spends his money on and it's up to him how he sorts out repayments. It's not your hill to die on.

Sounds like the counsellor has given good advice too.

So, all ready to set off to visit DGC today - SS cancelled.

To answer above, we both have our own DC's but none together.

@SeasonFinale @blue1000
Financially, no I don't want to control the finances I just wanted it to feel fair and honest .

After it came to light that DP has bailed out SS and had lied about bonds for a flat, rent and deposits for him - we had a real heart to heart.

Our discussion focussed on two options ..

One - finances to be very separate- our own money, both spend as we want, treat our own children with no need to talk to the other about it. We pay into a joint account to cover our expenses. DP pays a 'rent' to live here. Any of his DC's pay a rent to live with us.

Two - continue to share in the relaxed way we had and be open and honest about the financial support given to all of our DC's. DP isn't expected to pay rent, his DC's neither.

However, going forward we couldn't have a mix of both, I don't feel it fair to provide the house, furnishings, a home including at times for his other DC's and pay all of bills, whilst he uses his money to bail out SS and treat his other DC's .
If he wants to do that then our finances at home should be put on a much more formal footing and I would paying half for holidays and treats too.

Our adult DC's have different expectations of us too, mine do not think it ok to ring and ask me for money, his do. We both offer where it is appropriate and we always pay for meals out for us all, joint family breaks.

The will is a bit of a red herring and is on a list of 'to do's'. The will protects my DC's so that they inherit the money put into our home from our family house when their DF and I divorced. Legal advice about the money spent on renovations and a share in the house is needed as is a clause that protects my DP from having to move out if anything happened to me.

We are trying to work through this. The counselling will continue. The counsellor was very direct about my DP enabling SS, even now with his acceptance of this quick new relationship and responsibility that he has created.

It is a mess. DP and I have had max three hours sleep each night since Friday. DP vomited this morning as we prepared to leave to visit SS.

Not easy times.