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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Not feeling the birthday love

24 replies

Nonose · 28/07/2021 19:12

It was my birthday yesterday. Didn't even get so much as a Happy birthday from my two DSS's who are 18 and 15. I feel miffed because a. I always make sure my DD wishes my DH and she actually always buys him gifts because she appreciates him. b. I go out of my way for their birthdays and Christmas and in fact they get gifts they probably wouldn't get ordinarily because I encourage my DH to do it. I feel like I don't want to bother for their future birthdays and Christmas. I know it's childish but I just feel like they could make a little bit of effort. Even a text message would have been nice.

Anyone else get this?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

RedMarauder · 28/07/2021 19:54

Some kids are thoughtless.

Some kids aren't.

Your SS are the first.

From now on let their parent you are with take the lead in sorting out their presents. You just do what you are told.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2021 19:56

Why didn’t DH prompt them?

Step way back from doing stuff for them. Leave it all up to him, they clearly don’t feel that close to you or welcome your involvement.

Sorry, sucks, happy birthday from me! Has DH made an effort?

QueenofDestruction · 28/07/2021 20:00

I would message/tell them. It was great to see on my birthday that we decided not to do presents anymore. I am so relieved as its always so much work and this will save me a fortune. Thanks so much.

girlmom21 · 28/07/2021 20:03

My siblings are dicks so my SM gets the same on her birthday so I always make sure I go above and beyond.

Sorry that some people are arseholes OP. I hope you've had a lovely day despite them x

breakfasty · 28/07/2021 20:51

Hope you had a nice day apart from that. I'd not bother worrying about their birthdays, let their actual parent do that.

Ibizafun · 28/07/2021 21:48

Love QueenofDestruction’s idea.

Tiredoftattler · 28/07/2021 22:33

Perhaps it might be better to only send cards or gifts out of genuine love or regard with no expectation of reciprocity. That is the way to ensure no disappointment.
Kids even young adults can be thoughtless ; there is a reasonable chance that on occasion some of us were thoughtless as kids are young adults even when are our parents had instilled us with better manners .

30degreesandmeltinghere · 28/07/2021 22:34

I would remember to do naff all for them. But I am a cow!

NorthernSpirit · 28/07/2021 22:52

This is my SC (15 & 13). It’s not personal though as they don’t do anything for their dad on his birthday, Father’s Day or Christmas. They didn’t bother with Mother’s Day for their mum - her boyfriend had to buy her a card on their behalf. They turned up Christmas Eve last year without even a card. Of course they would be devastated if no one bothered about their birthdays, Christmas.

Some kids are selfish, some kids their parents haven’t taught them the art of giving.

2 years ago after not even a thank you or any recognition for the presents I’d bought and all of the effort I had made for SD’s birthday, enough was enough for me. I don’t bother with even a card now so it means I don’t set myself up for any disappointment.

breakfasty · 29/07/2021 07:10

Maybe they don't want you to feel obliged to get them gifts and this is their way of letting you know?

NewlyGranny · 29/07/2021 07:18

I would take it as a clear sign to back right off their birthdays and Christmases in future. They're not little kids and they've made the choice not to bother. I'd simply send a card and let their DF sort whatever he wants to do for them.

MarcusRashford · 29/07/2021 10:01

This was my experience. I went from carefully sourcing lovely gifts and cards for them to do doing naff all. I didn’t expect anything just a text saying HB would be all it took.

Original poster

Nonose · 29/07/2021 14:53

Thanks all. :-)

I think that's it isn't it, you don't expect gifts but you do expect an acknowledgement of a HB after all you do for them throughout the year, I would have been quite happy with that.

For those of you who have asked why my husband didn't remind them, I know. He seems to think that they are just children and he just sighs, rolls his eyes and says 'that's teenagers for you' or 'that's boys for you'. I don't get it and find it incredibly frustrating but I'm not about to fall out with my husband over it by having a go.... again! haha.

They didn't actually bother to do anything for him for Fathers Day, even though they were here and I text them to say 'have you forgotten it's fathers day? I'm going to go to Waitrose now and you can come with to get your Dad something'. The message was read and no acknowledgement ever made.

Neither of them have ever been taught about the feelings of others and how important it is to mark occasions. They don't do anything off their own bat.

I've also been the main person sorting finances and accommodation outings for my older SS's university and am really wondering why I bothered.

I'm definitely stepping back now. My older SS has a driving test today (his second) and usually I'd send him a 'good luck' text and I've deliberately not.

As my Dad would say 'Tittle to them'.

OP posts:

MeridianB · 29/07/2021 15:30

Sounds really disappointing.

And largely a DH (and his ex) problem.

Totally agree with stepping back.

If they see things like the Uni support happening and just take it for granted then I can understand why you’d rather not bother. It’s a very poor starting point for life.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 29/07/2021 15:42

Why has the sorting of finances and accommodation fallen to you? Does your H mistakenly think you’re his PA?!

Original poster

Nonose · 29/07/2021 15:56

I don't even know. On the last day you could apply for the maintenance loan, I checked with DH if SS had applied and he hadn't, so thank goodness I did.

Sorry the say but their mother seems only interested in her own life - she didn't even attend to see him go to his prom a couple of years ago because she was organising a 'village day'.

I then I noticed that older SS was despondent, seemed a bit down and not really keen to go to university at all hence, I organised a trip so he could see what it was like and get him more interested. Both boys are incredibly insular and not social at all. They don't get excited - about anything.

I was on the ball with my daughter, so not sure why my DH and the boys mother is not, so that's one reason and another is a little selfish in that I don't want SS to not go to university and for us to be carting them both back and forward like children for weekend visits for the next few years where they just stay in their rooms the entire time. Off to university you go young man. ;-)

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 29/07/2021 16:00

Sounds as if both their parents are a bit shit to be honest.

Original poster

Nonose · 29/07/2021 16:03

my husband is actually really good but has a shocking memory and unfortunately is battling some health issues, so he's probably not as on the ball as he usually would be. Having said that, I feel like I've done enough and It's not appreciated in the least so I'm definitely not going to continue down this line.

OP posts:

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 29/07/2021 16:07

I wouldn’t be doing any of that - you’re not their parent and you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment that your efforts aren’t appreciated. You’re not their mum and you’re not responsible for filling the gaps created by their parents being crap. Save your time and effort for your own children!

Original poster

Nonose · 29/07/2021 16:08

@mayorgoodwayschicken

I agree. And you are absolutely right. I just should not have bothered.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nonose · 29/07/2021 17:26

So, little update, ss passed his driving test - dh told me and I said 'oh great. Tell him I said congrats'. Not my usual gushing self. I think he's realised that I am pissed off so next thing was step son was coming over. He comes in with a card and a bottle of gin for me, so then I felt a bit embarrassed. Took a sneaky look at my dh phone and he'd put 'come over and while you are at it, bring a card for Rachael'. - so he's at least reminded him. But I'm guessing if he hadn't passed his test, there would have been nothing but then I should look at the more positive side.

OP posts:

Bridezillamaybe · 29/07/2021 17:46

That's good op, more of that.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 29/07/2021 18:09

Good to hear that your DH can take a hint!

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 01/08/2021 22:58

My SC would never wish me HB unless they were here on my actual birthday and I never get a card but we don't have the same kind of relationship you seem to have with your SC and this genuinely doesn't bother me.
They all used to get DP a card, for birthday, Christmas, FD with a small gift. Over the last 3 or so years I've noticed it's Now one card and gift between them. I mean you can get a card for 29p in the card shop !! 5 for £1 !!! DP says it doesn't bother him, I think it does a bit.
However, I had a big birthday a while ago, we arranged for my siblings and their families and a few close friends to come to ours for the day, nothing too grand just a few drinks / nibbles / cake etc but we ordered and paid for a takeaway, (rather than going out for a meal) which was to be delivered around 6pm. DP invited SC who turned up at 5.50pm, ate and then left within the hour. I know DP invites them so they're not 'left out' but I would much prefer them to have said to DP, look, do you mind if we don't come it's hiphops birthday... not yours rather than it being awkward or them feeling like they have to, and not even a 29p card between them lol !!!

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