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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Tell me I'm not alone in feeling this?

21 replies

XStaysee · 26/07/2021 20:58

Been with my other half for almost 7 years now and me and my step daughter seemed to have always had a strained relationship.

Is it wrong that I don't like fully love her, I feel as a step mum I should love her more.....

Is it wrong that alot of conversations we have tend to turn into small arguements (she has just turned 13)

Is it wrong that the majority of the time I don't want to play games with her?

I feel after so long it would be better but I find myself making excuses now, she has noticed in the past that I've been grumpy/distant around her so I try more but I don't feel I have the energy for her yet my other hald constantly moans at me for not making the time. Am I alone?

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 26/07/2021 21:24

13 you say? Stepdaughter/'flesh of your own flesh' daughter - 13 is not easy. Just do a quick search on the main site with the key words 'my teenage daughter'. You might not like what you read, but you won't feel alone any more!

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2021 21:26

You feel how you feel, and if you don't love her you just don't. The entire scenario sounds grim, honestly. Perhaps this relationship needs to end.

harriethoyle · 26/07/2021 21:49

I would say totally natural. 13 yo girls are generally horrible Grin I have an almost 16 dsd who has become SO much nicer in the last 6 months and a 13 year old who is sliding into the pit and only communicating in grunts! It will get better...

Guavafish · 27/07/2021 01:02

Yes it’s natural.

Teens can also be difficult. I would also distance myself as it will stop resentment occurring. I think small dose and not frequently will help you. But don’t be mean, grumpy or moody if you can help it. It’s not fair on your DSD

candlelightsatdawn · 27/07/2021 05:51

@Aquamarine1029

You feel how you feel, and if you don't love her you just don't. The entire scenario sounds grim, honestly. Perhaps this relationship needs to end.
Yes OP is struggling to find the warm and fuzzies for her SD during one of the hardest parts of a child's life. End the relationship 🙄

SPs don't have the biological pull parents to, even mums and dads are at their whits end during teenage years. Have a google.you aren't alone.

Where is DH in this ? Is he helping manage the load or has he ferreted off leaving your hands full ? If your taking the majority of parenting during the teenage years you will struggle but this may not be a DSC issue

Onlinedilema · 27/07/2021 05:58

The parenting should be up to her father. Take a step back.

Original poster
XStaysee · 27/07/2021 08:03

Thanks for the replys, it has gotten worse in the last year, so believe it may be more teenage related as she's loves to spin tales and tell lies and I just can't with that as her dad brought her up differently to that but her mum stopped her seeing her dad for a few years and in that time she changed.

OP posts:
sassbott · 27/07/2021 08:18

She’s 13 and not your child. Of course it’s not wrong. Who is telling you it is?
(I have teens and they are mine, and I don’t particularly like them all the time and little convos can turn into arguments very easily…). No one tells me I’m wrong for feeling that way about my kids - they can be annoying!

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/07/2021 08:21

Are you with her mum and her behaviour had changed since she stopped seeing her dad?

Why isn’t her parent playing with her instead of you?

Why are you having arguments? You’re not her parent, don’t get into arguments, just back away and leave parenting and discipline to the parent.

aSofaNearYou · 27/07/2021 09:09

Totally natural. The problem is your OH, and the nagging. You need to tell them to pack it in and give you space because it's only going to become more difficult to deal with if they try to force you into doing/feeling more.

Original poster
XStaysee · 27/07/2021 09:32

@sassbott it's me telling me it's wrong, I see other step parents who on the surface seem to love the step kid unconditionally but of course behind closed doors it may be different.

OP posts:
Original poster
XStaysee · 27/07/2021 09:36

@AnneLovesGilbert he plays with her lots, he has nothing but time for her, but then he can't work due to issues he has so he literally has all the time in the world for her. Her mum is a very manipulative person and even reports state that her relationship with her mum is that of a part time parent, her mum lies, makes up stories to cover and doesnt do disciplin because basically she can't deal with it, my step daughter was often locked out of rooms or sent to her room whether good or bad and ignored alot by her mum (and her partner) so she went from seeing us every weekend and getting attention and time....to like being ignored for days on end and told off for 'not cleaning the floors properly'

OP posts:
Original poster
XStaysee · 27/07/2021 09:40

@aSofaNearYou unfortunatly i do struggle with anxiety so his nagging to spend time with her sends me down a bad road, he doesnt do it as much now as he used too as we do family things together at the weekend, I just struggle doing one on one games with her as sometimes she just wants to be in control and win everything and when she doesnt she is a real sore loser no matter how many times we try to teach her to loose gracefully she won't and it winds me up, again her sore loosing has got worse in the last year or so

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 27/07/2021 09:42

[quote XStaysee]@aSofaNearYou unfortunatly i do struggle with anxiety so his nagging to spend time with her sends me down a bad road, he doesnt do it as much now as he used too as we do family things together at the weekend, I just struggle doing one on one games with her as sometimes she just wants to be in control and win everything and when she doesnt she is a real sore loser no matter how many times we try to teach her to loose gracefully she won't and it winds me up, again her sore loosing has got worse in the last year or so[/quote]
Just tell him that! He needs to learn to respect when things are simply not enjoyable to do with his kid, and stop expecting them to do it anyway.

Woodmarsh · 27/07/2021 10:11

Perfectly normal, you don't need to love her just be kind and fair, regardless of age. 13 is a difficult age full stop.

Disregard the melodramatic posters saying you should end the relationship or that you should worship the ground age walks on. Your feelings are normal and valid (repeat on loop)

Dollyparton3 · 27/07/2021 10:15

I have the t shirt OP. SD was demanding, rude and manipulating at that age, told whoppers of lies, sulked round the house a lot if she didn't get her own way and on a few weekends I had to take myself off for a walk or with an excuse that I needed to go to the supermarket.

Don't feel obliged to be all bloody Julie Andrew's around her. She has two parents with an obligation to do that. You're not obliged to be anything other than pleasant

LindaEllen · 27/07/2021 10:22

I think it's honestly natural. She's not your daughter - why do you feel you have to love her? As a stepmum myself I don't 'love' my stepson either, but I am a positive figure in his life, I take the role of mum in the house, he can come to me with any problems, and we rub along quite nicely. Your DSD already has two parents, she doesn't need a third, it's enough to just care for her, 'love' isn't necessary.

Regarding the arguments .. 13yos can be annoying as anything, and argumentative - I'd say that was normal, whether it's a stepchild or biological!

Don't put so many expectations on yourself as a stepmother. The care of the child very much lies with your DP and the child's mother. It's enough for you to get on with her (as much as anyone can get on with a moody 13yo!)

SpaceshiptoMars · 27/07/2021 10:37

[quote XStaysee]@sassbott it's me telling me it's wrong, I see other step parents who on the surface seem to love the step kid unconditionally but of course behind closed doors it may be different.[/quote]
Parents don't love their children unconditionally. Oh, I know they say they do, but the newspapers say differently every day. Grinding poverty, ill health, alcoholism, drugs, more children than they can manage or just not very nice people, full stop. Read the 'I took you to stately homes thread'....

Do your best. Act like an auntie or a favourite teacher - just be reasonable and they'll be fine.

vivainsomnia · 27/07/2021 11:08

Nothing that you mention is wrong. Life would be easier if you felt a stronger bond with her, but life is not always made to be easier.

Original poster
XStaysee · 27/07/2021 15:01

I feel a bit better now, thanks everyone, i care for her so much and get so upset when she's hurt or upset and would defend her in a heartbeat but sometimes i want to be just me and him, or I want time to myself which I very rarely get nowadays

OP posts:
Guavafish · 27/07/2021 15:15

You partner needs to parent… not you. He should y put that pressure on you

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