DP parenting boundaries

[RoseVases]

Hi, I am needing some advice. We both have children of our own. DP is a great partner to me he is also a people pleaser in all areas of his life and doesn’t like conflict. I would rather just address issues straight away. I do care deeply about his DC too and it’s not their fault.

We have been away for the first time properly and it was so frustrating because he rarely says no to his DC and he gives them far too many options. I knew this already but being together 24/7 was not the same as being at home and normal daily life. Mealtimes are very boring long drawn out and frustrating as he will give them so many options for food and they will pick lots of things that it’s unlikely they will eat and we have to sit there while they mess around with a lot of food, usually they will then demand something else and he will go and get it and they don’t eat that either. The mealtimes go on so long as there are no boundaries and then a mountain of food. This is often in front of other children including mine who are doing as they are asked, sitting still and eating the 1 chosen meal option and I am sitting there thinking WTF are you doing and by the end of the day he’s totally burned out by all the demands and running around he starts mentally checking out. This is also crazy expensive! I see this happening and try to help him by backing him up sometimes but they ignore me anyway so I give up.

They won’t walk or cycle their bikes or scooters very far and expect to be carried or pushed and DP never says no. Going anywhere can take 5 times longer than everyone else’s pace because of all the up and down and they only want him so I can’t help with that. They are not toddlers.

He does remind them to say please and thank you but they rarely say it without prompting. The older one is often trying to get his attention but the younger one dominates him completely and the older one can get jealous and behave a little badly and gets told off. Little one rarely gets told off. I end up just walking off sometimes when I see things deteriorating as I worry I would become that person always saying no and negative all the time.

I have tried to talk to him and he knows it’s an issue but in the moment he always wants the easiest option so gives them what they ask for on the spot. I often explain reasons to my children if I am saying no or why they should do something instead of just saying no but he doesn’t do this either which I have pointed out isn’t confrontational. When I am putting boundaries in with mine usually that’s the end of it and if they are rude or misbehave I deal with it straight away either diffusing it or explaining why it’s not ok and what the expectation is (like eating x amount of their dinner).

How do other people manage different parenting styles in families like this, we aren’t coparenting together but doesn’t feel like we are a team and it is quite stressful.

How old are they? You say not toddlers. And how old are yours? Are they similar in age? Are your kids also his kids?

Sorry for all the questions!

No my kids are my own not joint and 8 and 11. His are 5 and 7

Do you live with this current boyfriend? And how long have you been together?

We live 50/50 in our own houses so half the week together due to different schools and contact arrangements

When away we went with another family for one of the days and their kids was 3 and 5 and even then those kids ate their food and walked with their parents and DP was 2 miles behind and buying mountains of food and I know they noticed it too

Tricky ages, you don't want yours thinking the younger ones are being treated differently. Have you pointed out to him how long meals are taking compared to the ones you do your children? Unfortunately if he is happy with it then there's not much you could do except maybe once your children have finished go and do something fun with them so you aren't all waiting around?

5 is still young enough to need a bit of carrying and pushing around if it's quite far to walk. Does DH get 1-2-1 time with each of his kids? The 7 year old might appreciate some undivided attention.

If you've had the conversation and he understands but still won't put boundaries in place, then there's not much more you can do except make sure your kids and your plans aren't affected.

Which might mean you ordering your kids' desserts while his are still farting around with mains, or you and yours going off to do whatever activity you have planned and leaving him and them to catch up if they can.

He totally knows the meals are out of control and the whole time he’s exasperated about it but not really doing anything. He does gently tell them to sit down and eat but they don’t eat as have too much choice and he just keeps giving them other things to eat and gets into conversations with them or he’s focused on 1 and not the other and so that one is messing about and then he goes to that one and the other one starts messing about. Bedtime was more awful but he’s done well to finally tackle it over the last year but they finally go to sleep so late they always late getting up in the mornings and grumpy and sleep through all the alarms.

I just watch him and can see he’s burning out rapidly, dragging them along behind everyone at a snails pace and trying to entice them to eat their food mountain and I always feel sorry for him but then nothing changes and next meal it’s the same all over again.

My DC don’t feel like they getting a raw deal they do say to me that they get really bored though.

Tbh I would stop being around when he is with his children. See him when you’re both childfree And forget about trying to blend. It’s just going to always be like this.

Yes I think I will just start leaving the meal if it gets like this, politeness and manners is usually that you sit until everyone is finished but it’s not fair and it’s boring. I worry that this means his DC will not eat anymore food and then want to leave too and make it worse for him though.

It sounds like a parenting class would do him some good, I know what you're saying but it also might prompt him to do something about mealtimes, if you're all putting up with it, sitting there for ages he's got no incentive to change things...good luck
The walk thing I understand is annoying I also remember having to do this with my DC with scooter/bike even- he's 8 now and is loads better but when my DP is with us he still tries it on!!

@RoseVases

Yes I think I will just start leaving the meal if it gets like this, politeness and manners is usually that you sit until everyone is finished but it’s not fair and it’s boring. I worry that this means his DC will not eat anymore food and then want to leave too and make it worse for him though.

I would, it's not fair on your children or you. Same with the walks etc, just go on ahead.

And if his kids don't eat any more food then that's it. Meal time over.

Agree that parenting classes could be helpful, esp if his ex did a lot/most of the routine things and he is only just becoming more hands on (apologies if that is not the case).

I can see why you want to help him - there are no winners from his approach. He is exhausted and probably fed up and the children are no happier for all his pandering. It’s also setting up bigger problems for them all in the coming years.

I’d try once more to have a supportive conversation with him band if it doesn’t work then agree with PP that it’s better to stay unblended. It all sounds horribly stressful for you and your children, too.

Thank you for your comments, I would suggest parenting classes but I think he would be hurt by this, he sees them as happy children and I don’t want to offend him as they aren’t unhappy and they adore him, just do not have any boundaries and it’s everyone else who becomes unhappy about it. Left with other people they don’t do this which also exasperates him. He does equal parenting so no it’s not that he is inexperienced but his parents are feeders although his siblings aren’t like this at all with their kids.

I’ve tried talking to him privately about taking away food when it isn’t eaten and giving them way less options I actually feel sorry for the DC as it’s confusing and overwhelming I see them look at all this food and instantly defeated by it I think, also they keep asking for new things because they always think something else is better coming if food is boring and they can’t win, they have no goal to work towards like a reward. they also are instantly defeated by the concept of having to walk anywhere as he does tend to have over optimistic expectations of their capabilities and many times I have just refused to keep walking and said we must turn around and go back as they clearly cannot manage it and it’s making everyone unhappy to keep going.

I do wish I could help him as it’s not coming from a bad place and his kids are gorgeous and funny, just such hard work! He is exhausted and I don’t want him to end up with bratty entitled children.

I am going to limit family time and try some of the suggestions here, so thank you

I felt similarly to you in the early days tbh. I ended up just stepping back and doing things with my own DC on the weekends and left him to do his own thing with his family. It’s frustrating to spend time with all the DCs together when one set is being treated so differently to the other, even as far as money being spent, eg we’d agree a budget for things from the gift shop on a museum trip, so mine would spend ages trying to find something within their budget and when we went to pay, his had double the amount of stuff. Same with popping to the shop, they’d all choose a pack of sweets for £1 and then one of his wanted a magazine for £5! At that point I’d just say “oh who else wants a magazine - apparently DP is getting magazines now as well” just to make the point that it wasn’t fair to treat one of them better than the others.

With 5 DC between us it wasn’t cheap and we have very different incomes so it was always hard with him wanting to spend so much more on his than I could sensibly afford. But it wasn’t fair either to deny him being able to treat his as he saw fit, so I just stopped hanging out with them all.

Now he can do what he likes, spend what he likes, allow whatever behaviour he likes, and there’s no 2 tier family as mine aren’t there.

Honestly I believe well-blended families are a rarity, and not worth the sacrifices. As far as I’m concerned he’s my partner but I’m never going to be a step mum and that’s ok!

We are pretty different I think it’s the best thing to step back. 1 of his DC dropped an ice lolly on the floor completely by accident which was a bit funny and so I offered the child mine instead so he still had a lolly also thought it would be a kind gesture from me to his DC. DP took mine straight off him gave it back to me and gave child his immediately. It was like the ultimate act of his saintly daddy ways. When he did the lolly swap I started laughing so much I had tears coming down my face and he just stood staring at me

Sometimes when you are on a team, you have to take one for the team. Perhaps that means allowing your partner to parent as they choose ( mistakes and successes and all).

Maybe that means taking fewer family inclusive trips and activities.
You might be happier having only adult activities until such time as either his parenting changes or your tolerance level for the outcomes of his parenting increases.
He is not necessarily making mistakes; he may just be wot through strategies to find his particular parenting style.

As you are not coparenting, it may be better to only offer advice when it is solicited.

There is a good chance that there are aspects of your parenting style that leaves him a bit underwhelmed as well. If living together is not immediately on the horizon, better to nurture your adult relationship and keep your parenting activities separate for as long as possible.

I agree … you have massively different teaching style. He will not change nor will his children.

I would not blend families… it’s such hard work for very little gain. I would only get the kids together on special occasions but not for everyday dinner time food battles.

The lolly story made me laugh out loud! And it actually goes to the heart of what’s going on here I think.

Your DP has plenty of parenting examples around him where these sorts of things are not going on, including his own siblings and you. He will not be blind to it all. Bluntly he is choosing to parent the way he does. As you say, the children adore him and he’s clearly happy being adored, so it works for all of them. Or he is suffering some form of guilt that he is not with his children 24/7 and simply goes into overdrive mode. Maybe this is how he feels his children need to parented (vs how you and his siblings parent your respective families). Who knows?

The one lesson I have learned IRL is to simply step away and allow people to parent as they please. I know for a fact that my exp thinks I can be quite strict with my children; I discipline my children so they don’t turn out spoilt and self absorbed. I also spend a lot more time with my children than He does with his, so I don’t have the time and energy to pander when I think they should pull their weight a little more and clear up after themselves.

As everyone else has said, leave him too it. Focus on your DC, their manners and your parenting.
Future mealtimes happen? Warn everyone in advance that if it takes longer than 20(?) mins to eat mains, you and your DC will clear plates and leave the table as it is not fair to everyone else.
Go for a walk? Agree a time and a place to meet and then split for a while and go at a pace that suits the two groups.

Your DP can’t expect to keep parenting the way he wishes, impact others and not change anything. It’s not fair on you or your kids. (What can exacerbate this more is if the younger children are girls), that throws another whole dynamic into the mix.

Just step back and leave him to parent. You focus on your two. And don’t even think about trying to blend/ live together. This would drive you insane!

Yes the youngest is a girl and this is an issue I think. I cannot remember a mealtime where she hasn’t climbed on him and she acts like a baby a lot

It’s the martyness of it which is annoying. He’s tired and exhausted but doing things which make that a lot worse. I remember being tired when mine were 5 but this is a whole other level. They are so demanding and he seems to think parenting is about just making them happy no matter the cost to him but the older one doesn’t really have any encouragement to behave better, and when he is good it’s not always acknowledged. I don’t like seeing him get told off a lot when actually he’s not really doing anything much and he’s been good like eating all his food

Anyway yes I need to get less involved because I already feel like I am falling down the hole of being too invested!

Yup, I honestly thought as much. Again, step away. Not your kids, not your problem.

When I stepped back to watch my exp and his kids I clocked very quickly that the issue was not the children, it was him too. I’ve posted about this before, but it was like they would move in a pack. Even if they went off to independently play, he would be there, hovering. So the thing is, often parents will parent a certain way because it gives them something too, it is making your DP feel like a good parent attuned to the needs of his children.

A 5 year old clambering onto a lap every mealtime (I speak again from experience) started to bother me. Then I had a word with myself followed by a word with my children. And from there on in, irrespective of how his children behaved at the table, I didn’t get involved. All I simply told my children is that they knew how to behave, they knew good table manners and that’s all that mattered. How my exp’s children behaved was for him to deal with, not us. Almost immediately, mealtimes became a lot more relaxing. My DC finished (and waited a little time out of manners), they could then ask to be excused (irrespective of what my DP’s DC were doing).

The stress in these situations came from my watching my children thinking ‘it’s not fair.’ So I removed them from that and didn’t have it anymore. Win win for everyone.

Cross poster. Yup, absolutely step away. His children, his issue. He is making a rod for his own back and if he doesn’t actually start parenting, this will only get worse, not better.

My exp and I split after a while (covid didn’t help). But we stay in touch and still see each other’s children once in a while. Before we saw each other last, he told me the kids ‘were a lot better’. And he was right, in some aspects they were. A little older they have gotten a little easier. However there was nothing ‘better’ about how demanding they were. He sat down to read a paper and drink some tea and (no word of a lie), every time he sat down ‘dadddeeeeee,’. They needed help with a toy. If that had been me and my kids? They would have been told to wait because mummy was drinking tea and having a rest.
Him? Up and down like a yo-yo.

Didn’t bother me in the slightest. With a bit of healthy distance, I respect that he can parent as he wishes. And because he has far less contact than I have with mine, this is what he wants to do. Make himself fully available when his children are there? Who am I to say he’s not right? If I was in his shoes perhaps I would do the same.
Ultimately it doesn’t impact me, or my kids. I’m in a much healthier space and it has come from detaching from it massively.

Yes honestly the children are not the issue he’s the issue. I don’t want to blame them they are small and it’s not their fault. I also feel the same way when my children aren’t even there. He 100% gets something from doing this and it’s very much child led parenting although I notice that he’s not actually very attuned to them, he wouldn’t ask them to explain something and when the eldest who is very bright asks an interesting question, DP often can’t be bothered to answer it or teach him anything.