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Original poster

Warm fuzzies for step children?

26 replies

Kapeesh · 25/07/2021 18:09

Having a discussion with someone on blended families. They are one of the 'step children are your children, must be loved the same as your children etc' type.

During our conversation she said it seems I just don't get the "warm fuzzies" about my step children. This was in response to me saying that their Dad is the one who does their bedtime routine when they are here (which actually doesn't involve much these days as they are late primary aged).

The fact I don't tuck them in myself shows I don't have the "warm fuzzies" for these children and that's sad and shows I don't care emotionally about them...

What?!?

OP posts:
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aSofaNearYou · 25/07/2021 18:49

Yeah I don't have them either OP. Sounds like you've met a classic MNer! I've never met one in the wild.

Pingued · 25/07/2021 18:51

Haha if I tucked my DSC into bed they'd freak out!

Youseethethingis · 25/07/2021 18:51

Why wouldn't their dad do bedtime? He's their parent? Why would anyone else want to muscle in on that time? Is it because penis parents should not be expected to get involved with these things and they should be offloaded at the earliest opportunity to the nearest vagina owner to sort?
Why would everyone live life according to the lie that step children are the same as your own? Isn't that setting everyone up for resentment and disappointment?
So many questions...

Kanaloa · 25/07/2021 18:53

Presumably they want their dad to spend time with them, it’s him they’ve come to see really.

While I think stepchildren should be thought about and given the same care and attention, rather than being left out/tolerated to the benefit of resident children, it’s silly to expect you will instantly feel the same about them as your own children.

Original poster
Kapeesh · 25/07/2021 18:58

It's just all so ridiculous isn't it.

Like come on, I've had moments where I've literally cried looking at my own DC because I love them so much. And people expect you to feel that level of intensity for someone else's children just "because".

It's so ridiculous.

OP posts:
Pingued · 25/07/2021 19:01

I care about them but aparantly not enough as I refused to do homeschooling or nit combing. Even though their dad is perfectly capable.

Original poster
Kapeesh · 25/07/2021 19:02

And obviously the fact I don't have 'warm fuzzies' or cry at how much I love them sometimes, means I am just horrid to them, they are going to be eternally damaged and I must treat my child so much better.

There's no middle ground with these people.

OP posts:
Pingued · 25/07/2021 19:04

If you cried over them then someone would have a go at you and say you can't replace their mother

Marty13 · 25/07/2021 19:05

I'd have so much fun with your friend.

"So you're saying I should deprive them of precious bonding time with their father because... Why ?"

penguinwithasuitcase · 25/07/2021 19:11

Does your friend know that people who say things like 'warm fuzzies' immediately forfeit the right to be taken seriously?

funinthesun19 · 25/07/2021 20:45

Ah she’s one of those.

One of those who aren’t satisfied with the children’s father doing it all for his children, and think the stepmum should be doing stuff too, just for the sake of doing it. So what if the father takes his children to bed every night? They’re his kids.

When I was a stepmum, no I didn’t get “warm fuzzies” about tucking exdsc in bed. In fact it was always their father who did it anyway because it was his job n all that. On the rare occasion that I did do it, it wasn’t anything for me to get sentimental about.

mommabear2386 · 25/07/2021 21:03

I'm a step mum of 7 year, I'd help them all I could, I'd be sad if they got hurt! However if they moved countries with mum and never saw us again I wouldn't even blink it's a odd emotion being a step mum!

Original poster
Kapeesh · 25/07/2021 21:11

One of those who aren’t satisfied with the children’s father doing it all for his children, and think the stepmum should be doing stuff too, just for the sake of doing it

No, we should be doing it out of love... And fuzziness. Obviously.

OP posts:
Guavafish · 26/07/2021 08:09

I don’t think the two are comparable…I don’t see why they should be too.

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 26/07/2021 08:16

MN is a very weird place when it comes to step children. You must love them like your own and never exclude them from anything ever, even when they are doing something much more exciting with their other parent. But you must never discipline them even though they live in your house and you must never do anything for them. Don't brush their hair, their parent can do that.

funinthesun19 · 26/07/2021 09:14

you must never do anything for them. Don't brush their hair, their parent can do that.

And then if you do leave the parent to do it, you’re in the wrong too.

A recent poster left her partner to make his children’s packed lunches and some posters got very upset about that Grin.

Tiredoftattler · 26/07/2021 12:52

Just as there is no universal view about appropriate parenting styles for biological or birth parents, there is no universal view about step parenting.

It is hardly surprising that views and opinions vary. Is there any aspect of life for which that is not the case? The views are not necessarily tied to the step parent status but to the fact that people tend to have a wide range of opinions on most subjects.

Bibidy · 26/07/2021 15:17

I just think it's so, so strange that it's generally accepted and agreed that the bond a parent has with their children is so special and the love is like nothing they have ever felt before.....yet when it comes to step-parents (or stepmothers, in particular), many people expect us to magic up that depth of feeling out of nowhere, just purely because they are our partner's children.

EVEN THOUGH if I came on here and said "I love my SCs as much as their mum and dad do", I would likely be told it's not possible and I was out of line to compare myself to their parents, and to know my place.

And what shocks me most is that it's often actual parents who have these expectations, despite presumably not feeling the way they feel about their own children about any others in their lives.

I am so fond of both my SCs, and there are times when I could say I have felt 'fuzzy' towards them, but those times are rare. Normally, I just like them for the children they are and enjoy time spent with them, and that's where it ends.

I agree with @mommabear2386 above - as much as I care about them, it doesn't bother me at all when I haven't seen them for a while.

DoLallyTapMum · 26/07/2021 15:45

She’s mad. As everyone else has said bedtime is really a bonding experience, but if it’s not (bedtimes can be terribly trying sometimes) then it’s a chore. Either way it’s a parents responsibility.

I don’t love my step-children like my DS and expect I never will, but i care very much about them, would be sad if anything bad ever happened to them and will do whatever I can to take care of them when they’re with me. Their father is their parent though and he does not expect me to be their parent. If we’re together with all our kids we do bedtime and stories all together, but I tuck in my DS and he tucks in his kids. Has never seemed anything less than logical to me.

RedMarauder · 26/07/2021 16:43

She’s mad.

This with bells on it.

If my step-mother who I got on with had put me to bed as a child I would have thought it was weird.

There are different boundaries you have as a step-parent, aunt/uncle or adult family friend than as a parent.

SpaceshiptoMars · 26/07/2021 17:17

My DSM didn't 'put me to bed'. She did read me bedtime stories though. Paddington, Moomintroll... Happy daysSmile

HermioneWeasley · 26/07/2021 17:23

Bonkers. I don’t have that feeling over any child except my own - not my nieces or nephews or best friend’s kids. Zilch.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 26/07/2021 17:26

I mean, I don't even have 'warm fuzzies' for my own child sometimes. 🙄 FFS

Themadcatparade · 26/07/2021 18:55

@chocolatesaltyballs22

I mean, I don't even have 'warm fuzzies' for my own child sometimes. 🙄 FFS
Grin

Warm fuzzies, no. A tenderness, yes. That’s good enough all round I think.

Way too many expectations over step parents it’s insane!

Vanilla1Cookies · 26/07/2021 19:40

@aSofaNearYou

Yeah I don't have them either OP. Sounds like you've met a classic MNer! I've never met one in the wild.
😂 completely agree.