I'm worried about SD

[candlelightsatdawn]

I have changed username because I know the types of comments I may get on this but I need some advice.

My DSD has been showing some fairly concerning behaviours in the last year and I don't know how to address them. We have her 50/50 of the time if this is relevant and she is 12. Me and her get on well and she has lots of quality time with her dad. Her mum from her own admission never wanted to be a mum so is fairly uninterested and has let DSD to own devices for the majority she's with her. I cannot control or influence what goes down in their house but I do know she large quantities of time on her own when with her mum.

I have always been someone DSD confides in, but she seems to be proudly telling me things that make her seem like she maybe turning into a bully, she's just started secondary school. She won't say this stuff around her dad and I have been getting increasingly worried.

Example

Me : how was school

Her : it was ok but there's this girl that I just don't like that's tried to join our group and I don't like it

Me : oh why don't you like her ? Maybe she's lonely and doesn't know how to make friends

Her : I don't know I just don't but I have told my friends to pretend she's invisible and that if they speak to her then they will be ignored also.

Me : I don't think that's terribly kind, have you had a falling out ? How long has this been going on for

Her : a while and no I just dislike her, she's on her own and keeps crying because she knows we all hate her. I told everyone in the class she smells because she's poor. She's now told the teacher and now in class we have to speak to her but we have let her know that she's a grass.

Me : does she actually smell ? (Struggling for things to say- I'm shocked). I dont think that was a kind thing to say or do

Her : no she doesn't actually smell it's just funny because she cries now all the time and has no friends (DSD then smiles and looks happy at this thought - she doesn't often smile)

The problem is we are always alone when she says this stuff, I'm not sure why she's telling me. I have spoken to DH and he says he believes me and this type of thing isn't the first time this has happened with DSD there have been incidents in the past with her cousins which the family are aware of (she has two cousins and one is always excluded and it's never DSD - often by silent treatment)

I try to actively say this isn't kind and shut it down.

The latest conversation involves her female cousin who will be joining next year and she's told me she's already told her friends about her and they all hate her and will ignore her 🤯 and that she finds it funny that her cousin is excited to see her. She has openly said she hates the female cousin (not the male one) if that's relevant. They are very close in age.

I get on with her mum and her cousins mum. I'm at a loss. I want to support DSD but I'm also aware this isn't my place and the dynamics are awkward. The behaviour is escalating. She has been known to do this with adult partners in the family, pally with one and openly trash talking the other.

Her mum has frequently spoken about her issues with my DSD and her new partners daughter (they have been together for 5 years) who DSD also hates and openly hostile too. Briefly mentioning that her new partner has expressed concerns that his daughter is being bullied by DSD but she doesn't know what to do so just ignores it !

I worry that maybe DSD needs support in some sense but I'm not sure how to give it or access it. Therapy? I maybe misstepping and shouldn't be so involved but I worry this antisocial behaviour will be detrimental to her in the future. DH suspects that she maybe not be neotypical as social norms or emotions aren't things she adheres too and DSD likes to be put first always and can get quite openly jealous with other girls. I can't speak to that as outside our chats and things she's fine with me and don't mind her being first in this house (I think she deserves a bit of attention given what she gets the other 50% of the time) but all these conversations have been increasing with frequency and potency since she started secondary school, really it all started aged 9 but subtly.

DH thinks it's a phase ? Is it ? Help

@candlelightsatdawn honestly nothing has worked.
I honestly have resigned myself to the fact this is just who she is, it’s ingrained in her personality.

I have limited ability to change things as I’m not her actual parent.

All I do now is

1. Call out her unpleasantness openly and tell her how unacceptable it is. I used to try and get her to see it from her victims’ perspective but perversely she’d enjoy me explaining how much she is hurting people. So now I just say “That’s totally unacceptable, I would feel awful and ashamed if I behaved like that”

1. I minimise alone time between her and my children. Weirdly she’s grown respect for my DD in particular (perhaps because she’s physically taller and quicker witted now?) so there’s no issues there. I do however watch her like a hawk when she’s with my DS6.

1. I don’t have play dates for my children or have cousins for example over to our house on the weekends she is there to minimise the risk of bullying one of them.

This hasn’t been 100% successful as she’s been able to target these kids online on several occasions.

1. For my own sanity and relationships I don’t apologise for her or take responsibility for her actions. She is not my child and I am unable to help her in the same way I could with my own kids. For example when the neighbour complained I was blunt and said unfortunately this is nothing to do with me, I’m so sorry your DD is upset, I’m fully aware of how SD can be and I’ll bring it up with her parents again.

1. I focus on the good. 90% of the time SD is nice to be around and things are fine. In my mind I try think of SD being that person rather than the disturbing behaviour that rears it’s ugly head every now and then.

Positive reinforcement…mostly for my benefit to be honest, almost as if I try to convince / affirm with myself that she’s a good kid. I praise her when she’s good a lot, more than I would with my own kids but I also have very firm boundaries with her when it comes to me, my children and our possessions. Weirdly, she respects me because of this rather than tries to fight me on them.

But sadly, nothing has worked externally of our immediate unit. Mum refuses to acknowledge anything is wrong and even when presented with the messages from our neighbour explaining how upset her DD was, mum just shrugged and said “There’s always two sides to every story. I don’t believe it”.

This is what I’m up against. My DP is a typical Disney dad but is getting better. He’ll discipline in the immediate aftermath but is rubbish at following through long term. The couple of times he has come down on SD’s behaviour firmly she’s refused to come for her contact time with him.

It’s a constant battle and DP is fearful she’ll cut him off.

The whole thing is a shit show.

The catalogue of events I’ve witnessed with SD would shock you.