let bygones be bygones?

[PennyHenry]

Hi,

So I have been with DH for 5 years, I have DSS 9. He's cool, we get on, no issues with DSS.

However, DSS' DM has been a constant source of trouble ever since DH and I got engaged 2 years ago. Up until that point it was all quite civil; then we got engaged and it's like a switch flicked in her head. Constantly trying to mess contact, making plans with DSS on weekends where DH should have had DSS, constant arguing and name calling of DH, constant guilt tripping him for perceived favouritism of me. Then there was then the abuse towards me via text. Finally, trying to make a play for him a few weeks before we were due to marry. Of course, DH told me about this.

So over time it's been eating away at me, I feel anger towards her (amongst other things). The thought of her or seeing her makes me anxious. I do not want to feel this way, I cannot live the rest of my life like this. It's wasted energy but I just can't seem to forget all the horrible things she has done.

I guess i'm looking for some advice on how I can get past these feelings? To forget about all the crap that's happened and create a bit of peace. I want an easy life for all of us.

Any tips or experience on how to deal with this?

My guess is she thought of herself as The Mother of His Child, and therefore outranked you as Just His Current Girlfriend. Then that changed and the door which was still slightly ajar, even if only in the far corners of her mind, slammed shut when you got engaged and married. Now she is braced for impact if you have babies and is attempting to convince herself and her child that they don't need your DH and are fine without him thanks very much.
Hopefully she will grow out of this as long as your DH remains consistent in terms of contact/maintenance/general engagement.
If not, all you can do is uncouple her from you and your mental space. What she says/thinks/does only impacts you insofar as it could upset your DH and DSS. That's it.
I'd consider a trip to a solicitor if the messing about with contact looks like continuing. That's one thing you can't just roll your eyes at.

Ah ^^ what previous poster said about the door slamming. Nail down contact with DSC for DH sanity, same as maintenance so it's in black and white. If he is on DSC birth certificate she can't just stop contact and get rid of his parental rights on a whim.

As to your anger I would see if you can try and take a step back from it all. This is not your monkey you have to take, getting outraged will only make you feel rubbish.

Redirect your anger and take that energy and put it into DSC and your relationship.

Take some time out for yourself, nail down what you can, go for a run excerise when you can't get rid of it. Don't take on her anger that's what she wants from you xx

Totally agree with @Youseethethingis

We had similar circumstances and behaviours. It was horrible. I felt so bad for DH and also the DC who were weaponised for a few years around this time. Silly, silly woman.

I also wonder if it’s also tied up with her son becoming more independent at 9 and so her old life is ‘disappearing’.

Block her on mobile and take a step back from knowing/caring what she says or does. In many cases it really does get better but perhaps not overnight. Just don’t ‘feed’ any of it, even if you’d secretly prefer to shove the ‘bygones’ where the sun doesn’t shine.

If you’re likely or have children together then this could be another trigger. Try to tune her out, never say anything negative about her in front of DS and focus on your great relationship with him. 💐

Agree with pp, this is not your issue. Block her by all means. if she needs to contact anyone, it is your dh. Make sure you aren't involved in pick up or drop off. Don't communicate with her, don't provoke her. She is not relevant to you.

And let your DH deal with it. Hopefully she will just get on with co-parenting with your dh.

You can win by trying to be the bigger person. Let your DH handle all contact. Avoid being around at drop off and pick up. She might mellow if she gets married.

I don't have tips for the anxiety or the anger but I wanted to offer solidarity in that we had a similar thing and it's really not nice I feel for you

I am not surprised you feel anxious. Does she still have your number? Maybe with time she will get a partner and leave DH alone?

Thanks all, it’s been a rough slog at times. I’ve considered therapy for myself, has anyone else found it helpful?
DH has pretty good boundaries but i still get a little on edge even when the DM sends a text these days. It’s the not knowing what’s coming next that’s the worst part. Thankfully she doesn’t have my number, the bad words from her about me were sent to my DH. I never get involved in any of their arrangements about DSS, never have but she still wanted to target me for some reason.
I think it’s a good idea to avoid pick ups and drop offs so thank you that @Uramaki.
Thing is, she’s had a partner all this time and has gone on to have 2 more children so it’s not like she’s just stuck in the past.
@Youseethethingis I agree actually, I think maybe in her mind she was still seeing herself as an important part of his life because she gave birth to his child, but he doesn’t see it that way. He’s moved on, we’re perfectly happy. Dread to think what her reaction will be if we ever decide to have kids. I’ll have to brace myself for that.

Over time I’ve accepted that DHs ex is not going to change and that her place in our lives is not going anywhere for a long while but then I can change my emotional response to her and how big a part she plays in my mind. It’s helped to have no direct contact amd DH and I discuss her very little, if at all. DHs way of responding to her are not what I’d choose but I accept that and if he moans then I nod and move the subject on as I don’t want to argue about how we respond to her.
It’s been much harder to shut myself off to the impact she has on DSD but again I accept my limitations with that and that I cannot change that.
I’m not sure if that all sounds a bit cold; I have a great relationship with DSD and I love seeing her, when she talks about her mum I treat it as if she’s chatting about anyone who is important to her. I just got to the point where I felt that I couldn’t continue feeling resentful amd I either worked on being more removed from the situation or DH and I wouldn’t survive.

You might find if you do have a child together it kind of shuts off in her mind the idea of you not being as important in DH's life as she was. It might not though. But I think it cemented in DSC and also their mum's mind that I was around for good now.

(Not a reason to have a child obviously!)

Your DH is doing you a disservice by telling you what she has said he should be protecting you from her nonsense and shutting it down

If you do look at therapy look for someone experienced with step situations and who will focus on you rather than make it about the children

@PennyHenry I had EXACTLY this situation. Three days after my Mum died, the ex had a massive pop at my DH about prioritising me over the Dsd that week. (The dsd, btw, were delightful and so supportive and none of it came from them...) I was so upset by it and, I confess, I will never forgive that.

I had therapy with a pre-existing therapist I'd seen in the past and she was so good. She reminded me that I was only hurting myself by giving this dreadful creature headspace. She didn't suffer from living rent free in my head. I think it's also very bound up with disbelief that your DH, who you think is the best thing since sliced bread, had such poor judgment in being with such a horrible person. I genuinely can't get my head round it still at times! But my therapist taught me to be mindful and when I found myself ruminating about ex's latest shenanigans just literally refocus your thoughts, remind yourself the impotent fretting isn't worth the energy, and move to do something else - mn scrolling, telly, radio, cooking whatever works. It gets better. I promise you!

OP, yes I think counselling might help. I had a lot of counselling earlier in my relationship which was basically my space to say how I felt and thought about the drama emanating from DP's ex. It was the only place my needs and wants were listened to, and helped me be the grown-up even when appalling things were said about me.

As a PP said, it's really important that the sessions are about you, not proxy therapy for the ex, kids or DP.

@harriethoyle wow that’s awful! Sorry you had to go through that. I admit, my situation is not as bad as that but who knows what would happen if I had a traumatic situation, I fear she would be the same. I have to admit, the trying it on with DH before our wedding is going to be VERY difficult to forgive.

That’s some really helpful advice, I’m definitely going to research a good therapist and avoid all contact with her.

I just don’t understand how some people can be so spiteful! You try and do right by your DSC and DH and all you get is poison from the ex, sad.

She will remain bitter and spiteful forever! The ex-gf feel they have ownership in a weird way. But don’t worry… her time had passed. As the child gets older… the involved gets less. Tbh once your dsc is about 14… there really should be minimal contact. After 18 … nothing.

My advice is to ask your Dh to shield you from her behaviour but not telling you some of these issues/stories. I won’t get involved too much. Let your partner deal with her in private.

Your DH is doing you a disservice by telling you what she has said he should be protecting you from her nonsense and shutting it down

Absolutely this ^

It’s horrible to have such negative energy in your life. My partner grey rocks his ex. No matter what she says to criticise his parenting or to insult me he doesn’t engage. That removes oxygen from her.
One tiny practical idea. He changed her name in his phone to say ‘DSD’s Mum’ rather than her name and that helps us to not react so negatively when the phone pings with a message.
My partner also has a hard-fought-for watertight custody arrangement which helps a lot - zero grey areas that require discussion between parents. No mucking around on that is possible especially as it’s also written in the court judgement that if she goes back to court again to try and get it modified it won’t go well for her.
She’s the mother of his child and his ex of many years ago. That’s all. It doesn’t matter what she thinks of you - you probably don’t value her opinion at this stage anyway!

My situation is similar to yours in many ways (my DH's ex is married to someone else - who she had an affair with - and has had two more children with him). Like others have said, your existence slams the door on ever being able to get back together (in our case she had asked my DH if she could come home more than once, and used to seriously over share with him).

As soon as the door shut, she became vile and nasty. I was called every name under the sun. I got all the crazy social media messages, she used to leave my DH all these mad abusive messages threatening to beat me up and all sorts. It never bothered me too much, it was all a load of hot air and I was always more concerned with the welfare of the children (there's a longer story there!)

Anyway - my main advice is sort the contact. She was a nightmare with it and getting a court order was the best thing we ever did. We asked for it to be really specific so we could hold her to account and stop her using the kids as a weapon. It worked wonders and it's actually rather cathartic to have taken away what she sees as her 'power' over my DH

@Gibbo24
Could I ask what you have specified in your order regarding contact? When you say asking for specifics, are you talking picking up at set time/set days, this isn’t discussion time, no contact unless urgent etc?
(Sorry OP for hijacking. very much sympathise with your situation)

[quote Bonchance125]@Gibbo24
Could I ask what you have specified in your order regarding contact? When you say asking for specifics, are you talking picking up at set time/set days, this isn’t discussion time, no contact unless urgent etc?
(Sorry OP for hijacking. very much sympathise with your situation)[/quote]
@Bonchance125

Sure, we specified:

• Regular contact arrangements
• Exact number of days and overnights in each individual school holiday (literally listed out)
• The time in advance holiday dates and any changes to regular contact are to be agreed, and that this must be in writing
• Number of telephone contacts a week and the minimum time for such contact
• Collection/drop-off arrangements - broad time of day (e.g. morning/evening), location, who is permitted to collect drop-off (me and DH)
• Arrangements for Christmas Day and Boxing Day (yes we had to go that petty!)

It may seem overly pedantic but it gave her zero wriggle room and took away a lot of stress. The other thing is to follow through if it is breached - we had to do this once with a solicitor warning letter and she never did it again (don't think she wants another telling off by a judge - he was not impressed when he was presented with all the issues she'd caused!)

Hope you can get something in place - best money we've ever spent!

[quote Bonchance125]@Gibbo24
Could I ask what you have specified in your order regarding contact? When you say asking for specifics, are you talking picking up at set time/set days, this isn’t discussion time, no contact unless urgent etc?
(Sorry OP for hijacking. very much sympathise with your situation)[/quote]
@Bonchance125 my DP and a few other people we know have similar to
Gibbo24 Sent you a PM.