Stickies needed for new StepMums?

[SpaceshiptoMars]

This forum is a baptism of fire for newcomers. We could use a permanent warning at the top to give them a heads up. What do you all think? (And how do we go about getting it?)

As in the Relationships forum, posts that give first aid advice, signposting to relevant links etc. There are some cracking posts buried deep here - a collection of our classics perhaps?

I agree. What do you think should be on it. My suggestion:

There are some posters on here who aren't step mothers but who come on here to put the boot in. You can recognise them by phrases such as "you knew what you were getting into", "you are not their step mother you are their dad's girlfriend" and "you sound cold".

Some posters believe that the fact they had a bad step parent gives them license to bully step mothers.

Great idea!!! Yess!

@KylieKoKo - pretty much exactly what you said. And also how people will jump in and accuse you of being the other woman and berate you accordingly. No matter that your DP had been widowed 10 years before he even met you...

I nominate the StepMother Card Collection for a stepparenting Classics subforum.

A warning not to use the term "bio mum" or the entire thread will be derailed.

Good idea.

You can not refer here to yourself as stepmother, how dare you, you are their dad's girlfriend. Who do you think you are calling them your partner's children, don't you mean your DSC, your child's sibling?

I do think it is a shame how often people who are clearly new post here for advice, showing compassion for their SC, and half the thread is

"You called her bio mum, that's really offensive and rude"
"You called her 'his child' instead of knowing to call her 'DSD' so you clearly hate her"
"Calling them 'your' toddler is excluding your DSC"
Etc.

Would it really hurt people to say "heads up we prefer the term X round here" in a kind way. Rather than making gross assumptions about the poster's attitude and feelings because they used a word that they heard on another forum or from a friend. Sure, sometimes a turn of phrase is telling, but sometimes it is a case of just not speaking the precise lingo people get used to on MN.

So yes... maybe a glossary sort of thing?!

And I 100% agree that the obsession some people have with marriage is nuts in 2021.

If you can't say stepmum and step child, then you have to explain the relationship as if we are all possessions/extensions of DP, and that sort of devalues the relationship.

Oh goodie is that no matter DSC behaviour you absolutely cannot sound frustrated, upset or any negative emotion because you will get comments on "knew what what you were choosing" and "I hope you never have children/don't have children"
Regardless of the OPs mental health - it doesn't count if your a SP.

Weirdly I have seen a pile on it to nee SD who post on here too. The bio thing always always goes down badly. Often it's not meant to offend.

Mentioning your own DC or wanting to have own children will lead to comments find someone who doesn't have kids or your not considering your SC and therefore selfish.

You usually know the SP on here because they usually give spot on advice. There are the usual names that just come up with the same nasty comments

You cannot call your DS YOUR child and your partners DC THEIR child. This determines whether you love them or not.

Your DC must stay at home and never do anything remotely considered fun unless SDC are there and included.

How about:
"Even when it is not the case, no matter how much time elapsed before DSCs mums relationship with NRP ended and your relationship with NRP began you will be labellled OW and asked repeatedly if you were"
???

Resources: here is an excellent TED talk about not taking things personally. Armour up, incoming hostilities!

@SpaceshiptoMars lol 😂 this post has been well enough alone funnily enough.

Another fav mine is the sneaky question - "how long have you and DH been together" op answers "10 years" response "well that's not really long enough for you to be counted as SM - your just DPs friend really no more, you shouldn't be commenting on anything negative going down in your house - maybe just leave him. That's probably the best idea"

No matter what your post is about, and no matter how many times you read it through before posting, there is a high chance someone will say it's obvious you hate your step children.

"You knew what you were getting into" on the Step parents board is the equivalent of "you should have known you would split up and kept your legs shut" on the Lone Parents board. Both make you sound like an arsehole. Don't be an arsehole."

I pop in and out and only read a small selection. However, when something strikes me as profoundly wise, I make a note. Sadly, I don't always note who the author was However, here is one from sassbott on the EOW dynamic, which feels like a classic:

sassbott Thu 31-Dec-20 16:06:07
Hi @Emmie12345. The EOW dynamic is something I have seen (and a lot of posters here seem to resonate also), that when a parent only sees their child every other weekend, it causes a deeply unhealthy dynamic in an otherwise healthy household.

The parent sees their child so little, they try and cram two weeks of not seeing the child into one weekend. My personal experience was that the world stopped, and everything pivoted around the children. There was then an expectation projected onto those around my partner (myself, his family) that the ‘special’ time be regarded as equally special to them. So it wasn’t enough that my exes world stopped and became all about his children, everyone else’s had to as well.

I’m not saying he’s wrong. My exes children need focussed 121 time with him. And bluntly, how he chooses to spend his time with them is not any of my business. But it becomes my business when I’m expected to want to suddenly do xyz. Or when the dynamic in my home is expected to change because his children have arrived. (I have children of my own and my world has NEVER pivoted around them).

It’s just an intensity that nothing else can match. And because the children become the scarcity and the partner/ resident children become the abundance (because they’re available / perhaps always there), an imbalance can set in.

Where everything becomes about the children and everything else is literally - just, there.

Time and again my ex went to efforts and prioritised things that he didn’t prioritise with me. Now I’ve ended it and removed myself? I’ve become the scarcity and the dynamic has changed.

But do I want to ever live with a man in this dynamic? No. They’re screwed. As are the children. Most parents in this situation would love to see their children more than they do. The resident parents are the ones who don’t allow it.

I’ve realised in recent years that there live amongst us a deeply vitriolic/ vindictive and immoral set of parents. Those who simply fight another parent tooth and nail over child contact. The only thought that balances me is I believe in karma. And I know these parents will have payback one day.

I can't believe what I read here sometimes. I'm picking up two new rules that would-be SM are expected to obey!

1. You must never ever date a man with kids. He's completely off-limits because the kids must be first and foremost in his mind every waking minute of the day.

2. There is never an age when those kids are old enough for you to be dating him.

3 ) If by any chance you slip through the above security net and marry the guy, you are never allowed to leave. The children would be traumatized and their lives utterly ruined.

4. If you succeed in both marrying and then splitting from a man with kids, you must maintain contact with the children and continue to do most of the childcare.

A sticky to set ground rules is a good idea. It would be good if it included guidance to not answer the ‘were you the OW?’ question unless it is somehow highly relevant to the situation.

"Not your place". "Overstepping".

Seriously? This is the language people used to use when speaking to freed slaves and servants.