How did you get on the same team with dh around dc and dsc?

[StarryNight468]

My relationship with dh is perfect in every way apart from when it comes to our respective dc.

We're just not on the same team no matter what we do. We are on a waiting list for marriage counselling around this but while we're waiting can I please hear positive stories of how you and your dps got on the same page. We're fed up of arguing, we both want to make it work, but we're not a team around this. We're not a team money wise, equality wise, boundary and consequences wise. It's pretty rubbish tbh. Our parenting styles are similar some ways and complete opposite others. What annoys me (dss answering back) doesn't annoy dh so much and what annoys dh (ds being a wind up) doesn't annoy me as much. It's tough and these dc are driving a huge wedge between us.

You are at loggerheads about DC, money, equality, boundaries, and row frequently.

I think you have an usual idea of 'perfect'

I note that you say DH - presumably you wouldn't have married him if problems with DC had been apparent earlier in the relationship. What sorts of iscussions did you have then? When did it all start changing?

How old are the DC?

@RoseAndRose

You are at loggerheads about DC, money, equality, boundaries, and row frequently.

I think you have an usual idea of 'perfect'

I note that you say DH - presumably you wouldn't have married him if problems with DC had been apparent earlier in the relationship. What sorts of iscussions did you have then? When did it all start changing?

How old are the DC?

I think the OP means money, equality, boundaries and consequences in relation to the children specifically. How much money they have access to, how they are treated, etc.

How old are the dc? How long have you been together

We're similar really - we parent differently, we have different boundaries. His children answer back and are cheeky in a way I find rude and would never stand for it from mine but they generally don't do it to me, they do it to him and he's fine with it...so, his issue.

In short - I stay out of his parenting, he stays out of mine. Makes for a much happier household. I don't feel the need to be a 'team' with him and his children, they already have two parents. It's not really my concern.

I think it is a case of picking your battles, and I mean both of you.

We can be similar sometimes. We have similar ideas on parenting but not always. I think sometimes my DP can be too harsh, and at others he makes threats (by this I mean, no iPad for the week etc etc) that are too far fetched and for too long that he won’t stick to, so pointless. However he thinks I can be too soft and sometimes let my DC get away with too much. We discuss certain things, and also we have both learnt to just let some things go.

With regards to money we are equal, we split costs of almost everything (we have 2 DC each so works out about right anyway).

It’s hard to advise without knowing more specifically about what to do with money/boundaries etc. As for some things it will be a case of needing to get on the same page and compromise. On others it may simply be a case of let it go/not your problem.

I was in this situation with my ex DP. We lived together with my two DC and his two 50% of the time. We had opposing views on so many things which resulted in endless arguments. We decided in the end it was better to live separately. We have since spoilt, but not because of the DC.

I think you can resolve minor differences of opinion, but if you're poles apart on most things then I don't think it's going to work and not fair on the DC to continue to live together.

@StarryNight468 can you be more specific? I would have had a lot of this with my exdp and I know how hard it is. We too, genuinely had a great relationship except when it came to the dc.
I'm not saying I was blameless in this but one of the things that frustrated me was that exdp had morals and ethics pretty much in line with mine and this was in evidence around me, around work, around other people. But all this totally fell apart around his dc & they basically walked all over him.
Are you talking about something along these lines or just general household rules & spending?
If it's the former then that's very hard to resolve. If it's the latter, then that's easier especially with counselling.

I think the OP means money, equality, boundaries and consequences in relation to the children specifically. How much money they have access to, how they are treated, etc

Money and boundaries in particular are issues for the whole family.

And attitudes and ethics towards his DC may well be the authentic ones.

That's why I asked about when things changed. And question the idea that it's 'perfect except for....'

Individual counselling may be helpful as well as couples. Maybe it is limited to a few specific things around the DC, but that would be quite unusual, because those same traits don't switch off. And it's easier to think 'oh, if it weren't for some specific incident/issue/person' we're perfect' than it is to think 'heck I don't like this person very much and I wish their true colours had shown earlier'

And individual counselling might help OP decide if there is more that needs to be tackled, or if it really is simply better (work-place style?) negotiations skills that are needed for a group of essentially stand-alone issues

Sorry didn't mean to disappear.

I think the OP means money, equality, boundaries and consequences in relation to the children specifically. How much money they have access to, how they are treated, etc that's exactly it.

I have tried disengaging from his parenting, but he says he wants my input as me bottling things up doesn't help him be a better parent. He wants us to to be a team in terms of how we operate (not in a way where I end up with the drudgery of washing ect) and be on the same page. He feels he has been too lenient on dss and has stopped letting dss walk all over him. We've both improved our parenting in some ways and we both agree other people's kids are annoying.

I could give many examples of our differences, and yes @Magda72 his values don't always translate when it comes to his son as his dad guilt comes out. I would say he does hold firm the majority of the time until he starts seeing dss as a victim and thinks I don't feel sorry enough about dss.

My dc are 14 and 15, his ds is 8. We've been married almost a year. We go 50/50 on bills but I do more of the food shopping as I have two teens!

He is also struggling with my dc being here 12 out of 14 and not having enough space. He doesn't see us all as a family and has started feeling resentful because he wants space. I understand that and am quite lucky in that I work a 9 day fortnight so have a week day to myself every other week for me time. Dh doesn't get this and needs it.

Neither of us are horrible people but we're both struggling with the others dc and normal dc behaviour in a dc that isn't ours. I do think some of dh annoyances are projections as his dss is being a bit of a nightmare atm and he's fed up of having to consistently parent him.

Money issues - my ds is getting an expensive gaming pc for his birthday. He has missed last birthday and last Christmas big presents to get this. Dss had the new xbox for his birthday this year and wants a gaming pc for Xmas. Dh doesn't want to get dss a gaming pc for dss as he's 8 and its ridiculous, but feels guilty for not getting it when my ds will have it. My ds will feel jealous that he had to save up a birthday and an Xmas to get it and dss won't have had too.

It's little things like that which is causing friction.

@StarryNight468 is dss with you all the time?

No 50/50 ish we are lucky in that every other weekend we have fri and Saturday nights to ourselves.

Dh told me Monday in his future plans he just sees me and him. We need to work together to get through the kids at home years. I really want us to be/feel like a family though. Even though dss annoys me sometimes (like my own dc do) I genuinely love it when the 5 of us are all getting along together. I feel like dh has become disillusioned with us being a family because of the boys bickering (not constantly but sometimes it can feel like that) and gets annoyed about not having his own space. I get disillusioned with the idea of family when dh doesn't parent properly (imo) and makes too far fetched consequences which he then can't carry out. When dh sticks to his parenting boundaries and consequences (not evil ones for minor things) the 5 of us get on, but he finds it hard work. Or maybe we need to let go of the family dream and operate more as two seperate units. I don't see how that could work either though.

Sometimes, I think being on the same page means that you are both on the page that recognizes and respects your right to each parent your respective children in the manner that you each deem appropriate.
The kids all understand that while we are a unit , there are decisions that are made by their parents and somethings may be handled differently as a result of having different parents.

Kids live not only in the home but also in the broader world and most have already learned through school, friend , and extended family relationships that there are many differences and variations in life and they are capable of understanding and accepting life's differences.

I think it is the parents who have trouble adjusting to differences in parenting styles and what are accepted behaviors within different family units. For some, if it is not what they do or believe to be acceptable, then it becomes questionable or suspect.

Does he realise your teens could easily be at home for the next 10 years? The days when children disappear at 18 for uni and dont return to living at home have passed for many families, it just isn't affordable for most people now.

I'm not sure @lunar1 I don't imagine my dd will be coming back from uni, she wants to finish uni and house share with friends. Dh is sorting ds an engineering apprenticeship out so he will start on a decent wage.

We have spoken about living apart but together. I don't think it will work though. He'll want to still be round all the time and I don't like the idea of living apart.

@Tiredoftattler I do agree with that, however i know it will end up with all the dc feeling resentful as we've tried that before. All it ends up with all the dc feeling jealous and me and dh at odds with each other over what our dc do and don't do/get. Dh goes into overdrive when dss feels left out over what my dc get and get to do because of their ages and it becomes ridiculous. He has a real fear of his ds being shut out. I also dislike dss feeling left out as his behaviour becomes very needy which impacts all of us.

@StarryNight468 I had a whole big post typed out for you but lost it! Fuming here lol,
I'll try to (quickly this time) give you my insights.
I can hugely identify with your situation as mine was very similar. Our dc were older so we decided not to blend but the basic issues were what you are experiencing.
We did some counselling together and exdp also did some alone & it did help. She identified a numbers of thoughts we both had that were not helping our accepting of the situation.
Exdp's were:

1. He was living for the future ie. when we would be alone.
2. He was forgetting his dc had a life at their dm's and so not everything he did had to equalise with my dc. My dc were rdc so they had their stuff at mine & not at their dads. I know your dss is 50/50 but dc need to be taught the differences that come with having 2 homes.
3. He kept seeing his dc as victims and my dc as being fine and he needed to acknowledge that things were as hard for my dc as they were for his albeit in different ways. She was very vocal at pointing out that all dc suffer from divorce but very few are ACTUAL victims and that parents really have to drop this notion that they are.

Mine were:

1. Assuming we could have a happy blended family; that while it works for some it doesn't work for others.
2. Fighting the fact that exdp's dc were being parented by a woman with different values to me.
3. Fighting the fact that no matter what I did his dc were wired (by their dm) to see me as a threat and they most likely would never feel fully comfortable with me.

She also highlighted the fact that exdp was being very heavily manipulated by his dc. Now I will say that he made great strides with his parenting after this and things did get better for a while. However, we all went on a holiday together which broke the camels back for me. Despite exdp's (& my) efforts his dc's behaviour was very set at this point (being teens/young adults) and they wore exdp down & were pretty awful towards me & my dc. I couldn't stand it any longer, & as I would never place anyone in the position of having to choose between dc or a partner, I bailed. I really think that if your dh can really listen to what a counsellor says and if he is prepared to put into practice what is fed back to him you can both turn this around. This counsellor was also very adamant that parents should explain both divorced dynamics & basic family dynamics to all dc. Eg. explain that a certain dc might have saved for an Xbox or like your ds have sacrificed other gifts for one. Or that some dc may get a super holiday courtesy of their other parent, but that this year some dc may not go on a super holiday due to their own parents finances. Exdp was really good about getting his own head around this stuff but struggled with relaying it to his dc who just did not want to know. However I do think that their ages had a lot to do with this & that the ship had sailed so to speak.

@Magda72 thank you that is helpful. I relate to every point the counsellor made to you and your exdp.

I am looking forward to the counselling and hope the counsellor is as straight up as yours was. I don't know how to drop my unrealistic expectations though. I do like the point about explaining the dynamics to the dc. I'm not sure dh will find that easy.

I would worry that your DH is simply counting down the years until your DC leave the home and isn’t expecting them back. He sounds like someone who would resist then returning to there home or coming back from uni or even return hone after uni. Have you had discussions around this as he is being a fool if he thinks your going to be alone. His own DC is younger than yours. Your older ones could end up married and having kids of there own before his has left home. Then it’s grandkid visits too. I wouldn’t have a man like this in my home, he sounds selfish and finds the kids irritating. You can tell he isn’t the resident parent to his own as he is used to lots of free time.

I do think that @mynameisbrian but then at other times he's great with my dc and enjoys being around them. It seems that when dss is around that his feelings change for my dc and he becomes irritated. None of our dc are perfect and ds in particular is being quite lazy atm and also not saying thank you when dh offers to help him with things like sorting his flat bike tyre out. I can see why dh has been getting irritated more frequently. I just don't get defensive when dh talks to me about it. Again though, he only brings up these annoyances when dss is here.

You can definitely tell he isn't a rp. He used to have dss every other day and it's changed to every other weekend and week days when dss dm felt like she couldn't ever do anything on her weekends either with dss or without. I do think he's found it very hard having him Fri to Mon and blames my ds for his dss behaviour, when actually he just sees him for longer periods of time.

I don't want to not be with him, for all his faults (and mine) he is a good man. He's just struggling with parenting dss and my dc being around the majority of the time. We need to either get it together and get on the same page, or live apart. I was hoping others on here shared similar struggles and did manage to get it together.