Why can't get anything right [sad]

[phoebe30]

Hi - can anyone help or relate to my problems!

I've been with my partner for 3 yrs and he has a DD who is 6 nearly 7, we are supposed to be getting married next year but the way things are going that might not be so sensible.

Its not been an easy road for me with SD, I don't have children of my own and she was very closed to me from the start, but in the last few months things have seemed to get a bit easier. That was what I thought but my partner doesn't have the same opinion. If I say anything to SD (and I mean anything 'can you sit at the table please, dinner is ready' caused an argument last time) he says I've said it in the wrong tone, I'm too harsh, I'm like a head mistress, SD doesn't feel comfortable around me. But if I don't say anything he says I don't make any effort, I can't interact with SD, I've got no interest in her. So basically I feel I can't win. I've never had a great relationship with SD and I admit that I don't play with her or bath her or put her to bed but she has openly said she doesn't want to do that with me so I'm just trying to do as she wants but partner just says I'm not able to connect with children (any children) which is hurtful as I have other children in my life who ask to come live with me so I can't be that bad.

I'm at the end of my tether as I can't do anything right when it comes to SD in partner's eyes. We keep arguing about it over the silliest of things and I don't know what else to do, I'm just feeling sad and lonely at the moment and don't know where to turn.

Poor you!
It sounds to me as if you are being too nervous, walking on eggshells and taking too much notice of the child's apparant wish that you don't play with her bath her, etc - what nonsense! She is saying that for effect, and would probably be much happier if you just got on with it, in a kind, relaxed and 'we are family' sort of way. She knows now that being diffident with you will get the sympathy of her dad - oh what wonderful power!

Relax, take her to the park or on a special outing - ice skating or something, by yourself, take her for a milkshake afterwards and 'muck in' with her. The appearance of 'not wanting to' will evaporate in no time, I bet!

Phoebe30 - IMHO it is incredibly much harder to be a stepmother when you don't have children of your own.

When I first became a stepmother it caused massive tension in my relationship (of the sort you describe) that has completely disappeared since the birth of our daughter. Having a child of your own gives you authority in the family.

Have a baby quickly .

Anna 8888 Having a baby right now is the last thing I can think of - I've been put off having children for life dealing with SD for the last 3 years

Blu - I can see what your saying but I am nervous of dealing with her as I tried doing things with her as a family or on my own - days out, girly shopping, but she says she gets car sick so we come home. I've tried cooking, gardening, creative things, painting her nails, doing her hair but she just politely asks if she can go do something else instead or go and find daddy!!

Phoebe30 - my advice would be to stop trying to parent your SD and to parent your own child.

I have two stepsons and I don't parent them - that's not my role.

phoebe, as you're not used to being with children it is quite likely that you speak to her in an inappropriate way, just because you don't know what is appropriate!

Would it help to think of her as a small adult and speak to her like that - I mean use words suitable for a child, but be polite and respectful? Would that help?

Oh sorry, just seen that you do spend time with other children!

I guess you are nervous around her then, and she is prickly around you, and her dad is on the defensive on her behalf, and round it goes.

Is there any activity that you both like to do, or something that you would like to try but haven't done before that she might be keen to try too?

What Blu said, in fact

Agree with Anna, it is so much harder when you don't have any of your own. But, it doesn't necessarily improve markedly when you do, the only thing that changed in my experience is that you got less wound up about the stepchild because you've got better things to do. Also, family dynamics do change and you might find that everyone mellows a bit. My stepson adores his little sister and is definitely less surly and petulant and things are so much more relaxed.

You don't have to have to fill a parental role btw, I certainly don't. I told DP that I wasn't going to be a "stepmother" after one paranoid comment too much, but "just" his father's new partner and it works out fine. I've never done any of the hugs and giving baths thing, but then my SS is not that type of child. I don't think he expects any mothering from me, he has his own mother and he's here to see his dad. He gets fed and looked after, we communicate to each other, he has to abide to some extent by the house rules (i.e. go to bed by a certain time) and put his own dishes in the dishwasher and that's about it. Nothing's expected and no one's offended and more importantly everyone's relaxed.

I discovered early on there was no point in trying too hard as invariably you'll do nothing right, it was much better to detach and let things evolve naturally, and it seems to have worked.

It's very hard for kids and step-parents. My dd is 8 and I share custody with her father. I have a new parner and a new baby.

It was hard at first but now three years on it is much better. It takes time for kids to adjust and it did for my dd and partner. He can't be her dad as she has a dad and so he tries to be a friend. He says it has been easier since the birth of this own dd and it now feels more like a family unit rather than me and dd v him, if you know what I mean.

It took me a while to work out also that if dd was having fun with dp then she felt disloyal to her father. We got over that with talking about it and on more than one occassion we have all sat down and discussed our situation. It really does help and everyone gets a say. If my dd was ever upset we used to encourage her to write a little letter requesting a family meeting. She has done this on a few occassions and it really helps. My dp also explained to dd that sometimes he felt left out etc or hurt.

Communication is they key....for everyone. Also, it does help if your dp can back you up. If my dp asks dd to do something, even if I think that his tone is not quite right, then I will back him up but speak to him later about it.

It's not easy but having fun and doing things together and also on a one to one basis can help. My dp takes dd out clothes shopping etc and she does like it.

Try not to be resentful as this will make it harder for you to get closer. What is you sd's realtionship like with her mum?

Believe me I have tried to do things with her but all she seems interested in is being with daddy or watching DVD's.

I don't think I am trying to parent her really, I don't ask her or tell her to do anything, I certainly wouldn't dream of telling her off (not that she needs its - she is rarely naughty) and I am polite and courteous to her. I often pick little things up if I think she would like them, nothing major just little hair things or stickers or gel pen type things and she will say thank you.

I think SD and I have learn't to tolerate (probably a really bad word but I can't think of a better one right now) each other but partner has a problem with how I do things. Is he just being protective, in which case what else do I do or is he not being fair?

You have to sit down with him and ask him how 'he thinks' the situation can improve? He also needs to show sd that you are here to stay. He will feel protective of her, as I know I do with my dd. Like your ds my dd is hardly ever naughty (moody yes!)so it's not as if he has to tell her off or anything.

Your partner has to really try to get all of you involved in activities. It does take time but the more you do it the easier it will become. Have you ever all played a game of twister or something similar? Things which are fun and where you can have a laugh are easier than going to the pictures etc, which basically just involves all of you sitting there watching a film? Do you have any interests which may inerest her or anything that she likes to do?

I was a step-parent for 6 years, to the daughter of a previous partner (and am still in contact with her), and would agree that 'parenting' is not your role. I told my exDP's child quite explicitly that i was not her Mumy, but her friend. Her Mummy was her Mummy, her daddy was her daddy, but i was a freind who looked after her, and loved her, and that when i was looking after her I had to make sure she was ok and safe and happy, and that i would always do that.

I can see that you have tried hard, phoebe, and maybe you are being undermined by the child's mother who is telling her to ask for daddy, not you.

Maybe she associates her Mum with 'girly' things like hair and nails - I don't know - but I think that being quietly confident and relaxed and not letting her know how much this is an issue - especially one that can come between you and her dad - must be the key.

I think she does associate things with hair and nails as mum's domain which is fine. We did initially speak to her and explain that mummy was and will always be mummy - the one and only as daddy is and always will be daddy - I was just daddies new partner that would help look after her when she came to stay and she has been OK with that. She doesn't cause trouble or play up she is just very politely disinterested in me or anything I suggest we do so I just let her get on with what she wants really.

SD and daddy often play games together and I have asked to join in but SD just says - can I just play with daddy please or if I do start to play, after one game she asks to do something else - that generally involves 2 people. They go to the park quite a lot after school but before I get home - I've asked if they could wait for me to come too but it doesn't seem to happen - she would rather go with our 2 labradors and daddy. If I suggest the park on a weekend SD will say no thank you I went after school yesterday. So its easier for me to just let them get on with it - I have a busy life too so its hard to find the time and energy to make any more effort sometimes.

I think I need to have a chat with partner, I have tried this before but he got upset that I was questioning his parenting skills, which I'm not. I've just tried to make him see that he shouldn't try and force the issue just let things be and it will pan out naturally. He lets it ly for a while but then seems to have to push the issue. He seems to have a rosy picture in his head of how we should be and if its not happening he has a go a me.

Personally, it sounds to me as though you have tried your best and the problem isn't really with your sd, but with your partner.

He just needs to understand that the most important thing is that he gets to spend quality time with his daughter - your role is a supportive one and at this stage, it doesn't sound as though your sd wants or is ready for anything more from you. She can't be pushed into wanting to spend more time with you and its not your fault that that is the case at the moment. Perhaps things will change inthe future; perhaps they won't.

The fact that you get on ok and she is not naughty is a good thing.

I would just leave them to it. Be polite, be there if she does decide she wants to spend more time with you but make it clear to your partner that you have tried and step families are rarely easy or rosey and perhaps his expectations are too high.

Could you do some activity with DP and one or more of the other children in your life, so that he can see how you connect with them? And then maybe take SD along on a smilar outing?

It should be more relaxed all round with other people there, not just the 3 of you.

I agree with the others that you sound lovely and are trying so hard for your SD, I hope it will work out for you all

"They go to the park quite a lot after school but before I get home - I've asked if they could wait for me to come too but it doesn't seem to happen - she would rather go with our 2 labradors and daddy."

I'm a bit that he isn't putting his foot down about this and insisting that they wait for you once in a while. It sounds as if he needs to make more of an effort on your behalf instead of always just going along with her wishes (it's never good for any kids to be able to dictate to parents!)

I do feel sometimes that he just does what SD wants and when she wants it. He over-compensates a bit for not being a full time dad and I know he struggles with this alot. We have her as much as we can and he see's her nearly every day albeit just half an hour walk to school every day one week but then its after school and tea every day the second week and the whole weekend. I've tried to say that he puts in as much as he can and far more that a lot of part time dad's but he gets defensive and says he's not the average part time dad and never wants to be.

It's a tricky subject to word correctly sometimes and a very sensitive one - I understand that.

Thank you for the support, kind words and advice - it helps alot.

I think I will try and make him see that his expectations are too high and he has to let her come to me and not force the issue as it just makes life really difficult when it nean't be. I'm happy to leave them to it and watch and wait - hopefully I can get it through to him that this is a good thing not bad. I don't want to keep pushing myself on the poor child and don't think that will work with her in the slightest.

She's quite a quiet, shy and reserved child anyway and why should she play with me or cook with me if she doesn't want to.

Thanks again for the support.

I know what you mean about over compensating.. DP does it a lot with dsd and whilst it really is understanable, I can't imagine its going to be any good for the child in the long run. Trying to tell them that without sounding like a jealous bitter wicked step mother however, is almost impossible

If its any consolation, I am a step mum and was a step child so can see it from both sides. I was really only interested in spending time with my dad and, whilst I had nothing against my step mum, she really didn't feature in my "world". I would add that I started to get very close to her when I hit 11/12 and she became, and still is, a very good friend

You sound lovely, and you seem to have this sussed - you're not steaming in trying to be her new best friend or another mum, you're not making her feel unwelcome and you're not jealous of the time she is spending with her Dad. You're just taking the lead from her and in the long run I think she'll come to thank you for that.

The problem here is your partner. He is being really unfair and unkind to you.

And I don't think I found being a step-mum any easier when I became a mum myself, so I don't think the fact that you haven't had any children is a factor here.

Thank you tillyscoutsmum and surfermum - you and the others have made a huge difference today - after a dreadful weekend I feel a bit more positive.

Hopefully I can speak to my partner and sort something out - not sure where to start but I have to try.

I can only hope that SD will become a friend in the future and partner can see that I am trying to do the right thing.