DSD attitude towards me regarding chores

[ReginaaPhalange]

Dsd is 12 and I get on great with her most of the time. I have been In her life for 8 years.
We have lunch trips together, shopping trips etc and these are arranged when she has been behaving, which lets be honest, is pretty much most of the time.

Recently she asked us to increase her pocket money and it was my DH idea that if she wants more pocket money, then she needs to do some chores around the house - these chores include:

• making sure bedroom is tidy at the end of her stay
• puts placemats and condiments away after each meal and put her own plates in the dishwasher
• fill the cats water bowls twice a day
• dust her bedroom

At first dsd was happy with this but as you can imagine, it's very quickly turned into a battle.
One weekend she hadn't done any chores, despite being reminded. I went upstairs and as I was going upstairs, DH said to me "if she hasn't dusted, bring her phone and iPad down until she does so and send her down to me if shes not happy" Well as you can imagine, nothing had been done, the room was a bomb site and as soon as I asked about the dusting, I got a smirk and a cheeky response of "er, i have better things to do". So I took her iPad and phone and said these will be downstairs and you can get them once finished your dusting and tidy up a bit. She proper kicked off and started screaming at me (and I mean screaming) "IM TELLING MY MUM YOU TOUCHED MY PHONE - YOURE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH MY PHONE, YOU ARE AN EVIL STEPMOTHER AND I HATE YOU". DH came running up and told her to stop screaming, apologise and dust her room. She done so in tears and loudly huffing and shoving things about.
After she calmed down, my dh explained her outburst was unacceptable and she is never to speak to anyone like that. He asked why she reacted the way she did but she just shrugged her shoulders and said huffily "I don't know do I?"

Since then, if my DH asks her to do anything, it's all "yes Daddy" and she does them. If I ask her to do anything, I get huffed at, eye rolls and attitude and then proceeds to do half a job. DH has reminded her that if she wants pocket money, she needs to earn it and do her chores properly and not to behave the way she does around me.

I just don't get it - she's fine most of the time, when we go out etc but as soon as chores are mentioned, she's a different person. DH is suggesting we stop doing things unless her attitude changes but i think if we stopped doing things, she wouldn't be happy with that which is understandable.

I said to DH I think it's hormones but he thinks surely she would be acting the way she does with him too when asked to do something?

Any advice?

The sanctions you are implementing don't match what you want her to do.

If she is doing chores for money then each chore has a monetary value and has a deadline of it being done by.

So if she choses not to do them or does a really crap job by the deadline, she loses money as you or your DH has to do it instead.

However you and your DH need to keep a visual record of her doing each chore to a satisfactory standard. So when it comes to paying her pocket money it is docked for her not doing things properly.

She will kick off over this big time the first few times it is docked, but she will realise no work no pay.

@RedMarauder thanks for your reply. We do do this just now, so if half a job is done, or not done at all, she gets some pocket money docked. It doesn't seem to bother her and she just gets her friends to buy her sweets despite me and DH telling her friends not to.

OP I would say nothing to her friends. At some point their interests will turn to more expensive things e.g. clothes, make up, going out and if she isn't reciprocating then she won't get them.

I don’t agree with pocket money for very things like stacking the dishwasher or tidying her a room. She’s 12, keeping your surroundings in a decent state should be a standard requirement, it’s for her benefit not anyone else’s. And at her age pitching in in a minimal way towards cleaning up after a meal isn’t worthy or particular gratitude or your hard earned cash!

The way this has been agreed makes it seem like this things are optional and if she doesn’t do them she won’t get money, rather than a normal part of pitching in with family life.

If you’re sticking with it though the consequences have to match the crime and taking her devices from her don’t do that at all. What’s her phone got to do with dusting? You’ve agreed the dusting is an extra chore to earn money (sheer madness in my opinion, so she doesn’t dust and has a dusty room, why do you care?!) so if she doesn’t do it she doesn’t get the money. You’re complicating two different issues and I’m not surprised she’s outraged.

The other big issue is her dad deciding the punishment then making you go get her stuff off her. Why did that happen? His child, his idea, he has to enact it.

Don’t get involved. If he wants his near-teenager to grow up thinking that basic housework begets cash that’s his foolish look out. Certainly don’t be the bad guy taking a 12 year olds most precious possession, of course she’ll hate you.

X post on this It doesn't seem to bother her and she just gets her friends to buy her sweets despite me and DH telling her friends not to.

OP, she’s 12. It’s not your place or her dad’s to try and control what her friends buy her. I’m cringing. I’ve got a SD the same age and you’re treating her like she’s 6.

@AnneLovesGilbert thanks - noted! Will reassess :)

I don’t mean to stick the boot in when you’re already finding things tough, sorry if that came across too harshly. You know her, I don’t, so just my thoughts.

Just a thought, but does she know how to actually do the dusting and a proper tidy? She might need showing (by DH!)

@AnneLovesGilbert not at all :)

@MonkeyPuddle yep - she's been shown multiple times and honestly it just doesn't stick. DH watched her one day and she just flicks the duster around random parts of the shelf/unit etc that she's dusting. I think it's just a case of do as little as possible and as quickly as possible and get back to the fun - we've all done that.

But we are trying to set her up with the realities of life, as is her mum and I know she's having issues too.

Last week she emptied the dishwasher, again, half job but I heard her say to her friend at the door "I better be getting money for that"

I agree about not giving pocket money in relation to chores. Say she gets a part time job in a couple of years and is earning her own money. Does that absolve her of doing anything round the house? Of course not, but that might end up her expectation.

And absolutely agree that if dad wants go down the route of confiscating phones, etc. then he should be the one to enforce that.

@excelledyourself to be fair to my DH it was me going up the stairs at the time, but I get what you're saying... he should have come up too to take the iPad and phone off her as she was on them instead of dusting.

She's always fine with him though, just me with the attitude

They have a completely different relationship to the one she has with you. She’ll forgive him much more she’ll ever forgive you. Which makes it essential when there are inevitably bad guy jobs to do - that’s parenting for you - he’s the one to do them.

@AnneLovesGilbert and he does - he's the one who lays down the rules and isn't a pushover when it comes to discipline, but as I've said, apart from the chores, she's good as gold the rest of the time!

But yes, you've absolutely hit the nail on the head :)

Why does she lose the phone and iPad for not dusting? The sanction is no money?

Sorry if I’ve misread.

I mean I don't think she should be getting money for chores, she should be doing at her age. Op isn't asking her to go down the coal mines 😵‍💫

I wouldn't be paying her tbh or she thinks these things are optional. Or just ok no chores no pocket money.

But I wouldn't be giving her pocket money for chores and If she doesn't do her chores and is sassy well that's fine,that's her choice but she loses her valuables.

It's actions vs consequences not a new idea

She's giving you sass and DH the sweet side because she seems to think she can divide and conquer. Is DH softer than you ? Will he back down ? Do you secretly know he will back down and more importantly does DSC. You two need to be on the same page and come down as equals.

This isn't a step-mum/stepchild thing it's just living with teenagers thing. Give a inch take a mile springs to mind.

@Greenwateringcan I took the iPad and phone away temporarily as she had been asked repeatedly to dust her room but she wasn't doing it and messing around on her iPad so DH said take it off her and she will get it back once dusting was done

@newomums my dh is the stronger one and wouldn't back down, I'm the softer one. But when it comes to rules we are on the same page so she can't come running to one of us to back down

@ReginaaPhalange sounds like just normal teenage behaviour then to me.

You have done the right thing, what's that saying "you are free to make your own choices but nothing free from the consequences of those choices"

Good old teenage rebellion. It's hard not to tale the personal, personal. She will come out of it eventually, you were just a easy target !