Struggling with dh & adult sdc

[sunset1978]

Would love some input or opinions on whether or not I'm being unreasonable here.
Dh and I have been together for 8 years and have been married for 4.
I have dd 16 and he has 3 ds 16, 20 and 22, and dd 26 who lives and works abroad.
Dh lives with me and dd but due to some mild enough sn on dd's part and his ds's ages, hobbies etc. (his dd was never an issue as she was at uni and very independent) we chose early on not to blend.
His ds' live 90 minutes away and dh has a small property there where he sees his ds' a part of every week even though one is 20 and one is 24 (the 16 year old is obviously a different kettle of fish). The days change due to the nature of his work (he travels weekly).

This has not been easy on either of us but we were trying to prioritise our dc. We are both independent people and as such we have always managed this and dh and I have always had a great relationship.
However lately I'm getting increasingly frustrated at how little time we have together.
Dh's 20 year old is working with him for the summer and as he doesn't drive when they are off work dh has to drive his ds home & so stays there instead of coming home to me. Now his ds is welcome here but doesn't want to be here. He wants to go home on his days off to socialise etc. which is understandable.

This working arrangement was made between him and his ds without any discussion with me about how it was going to impact us.
This ds is also getting very well paid by dh and has a decent amount of money for the first time ever. So, he has taken to buying himself, his brothers and dh tickets to weekend events such as theme parks etc. Dh never wants to say no as ds is doing a nice thing but this also means that I have seen dh one evening and morning a week for the last 8 weeks!!!
I have brought this up with dh but all I'm getting back is "everyone will be back in college in September and we'll see each other then!
I have plenty of friends but they are busy with their partners and families and I'm spending huge amounts of time alone at the moment. I'm a big girl and can cope with this but it's not what I got married for.
I always accepted that our time together would be limited while the dc were younger but I genuinely thought we would get more time together as the dc got older yet that seems to be getting further and further out of grasp.
His 22 year old ds still lives with his dm and while he has a job he only socialises with his brothers and dh. In fact I would say he considers dh his best friend and has become increasingly clingy over the last 2 years to the point where he texts or calls dh every day and both he and the 20 year old still expect dh to stick to regular access with them which I find very odd.
All of this is coming together to really make me question the future of my marriage.
I'm posting on here as I really feel it's dh's dynamics with his adult sons that are causing the issues in our marriage. His dd is a lovely woman and we've always gotten on really well and dh and my dd get on great also. He just seems to have developed this inability to say no to his sons regarding anything and I don't really know why.
Any thoughts from others who may have been in this situation would be so helpful.

I think the problem stems from not blending. This means that your DH has two separate families and his children are, quite rightly, his main priority or ‘primary’ family IYSWIM.

I’m not saying you’re at fault. In fact it seems like he was quite unrealistic when they were younger. But children don’t necessarily stop being close to their parents just because they are adults and since your home was never their home, it makes sense that he continues the relationship where it has always taken place.

@LatentPhase your posts actually made me quite emotional as you have described EXACTLY how this situation looks and feels to me and also how I worry the future will be.
I totally understand (and always have) him wanting to spend time with his dc even as they get older but this particular dynamic was not there with his dd. I also have nieces and nephews of the same ages, most of whom are very close to their parents but still do not have this dynamic. It's hard to explain but there's something very 'off' about it and it feels very much like the arrested development @LatentPhase describes. My dd and I have progressed our relationship the way I saw my siblings do with their dc, but dh is stuck/choosing to hang out with his 3 male dc more than his wife or friends and this genuinely feels like more than just a difference in parenting styles.
Someone said that his dc seem like a lovely bunch and they are nice young people but they treat their dm very mundanely while idolising dh and they also overlook their dm a lot in favour of this aunt. Their dm has had her moments, but, she does the grunt work while dh and the aunt get all the fun and thanks which I just think is wrong. Dh does give them money for her birthday, Mother's Day etc. but they always need to be reminded of this stuff and they spend no down time with her and I strongly suspect that's because dh is more 'fun'. I think this is also the reason they don't want to include me and dd in things because we're not as much fun as All Boys Together and if we're there they have to compromise.
I think his dd is very much on the outside too and I know for certain she got no special treatment from this aunt and finds this aunt's behaviour quite intrusive.
The more I write and the more you guys feed back to me the more I see how ballsed up the whole thing is.
@Kanaloa sorry if I was unclear. I have seen dh one evening and morning a week for the last 8 weeks. That's 8 nights out of 56. We do talk on the phone a lot but I am finding that I have less and less to talk to him about as we have no shared dc and at this point no shared hobbies, social life etc. because he's rarely here.
I'm having a real Why did I bother going down this road moment this evening.

I feel you, OP, this is not what how I would want marriage to feel

Yes - the exclusion. My (soon to be ex) DP is colluding with his dd’s behaviours. And this in effect has blocked me out of their relationship. Bakes cakes and draws pictures? Scrap book and colouring in? Aged 20? There is no way for me to burst that bubble of collusion and have an authentic relationship with the 20yo.

The saddest part is the reality that he is actually emotionally absent from any real relationship with her. They are playing a game that I’m not part of. Because he can’t engage on a real level. He won’t grow any expectations. Nothing grows. Just him and her acting like she is 7.

Tomorrow I’ll speak to him and I’m all ears but this is not how I want life to be. Life should be opening up with opportunities to prioritise our relationship. But they (and we) are stuck in this groove.

I’ll be finishing this relationship tomorrow.

@LatentPhase I'm very sorry to hear that, but I'm also very admiring of your self respect and your ability to cut through the crap.
I hope it's not all too upsetting for you today.

It's partly Covid driven and partly your DH seeing time running out with his children.

As a thought experiment, what would happen if you moved your family home to where his first family live? How would you and DD feel, and how would DH feel? How is it going to be when the grandchildren come along? Will DH be spending each weekend at a celebration for a birthday, christening, wedding etc without you?

OP, your views about his sister do not seem valid.. Had they hired someone to cook and clean, would you have said that person was functioning as a wife and mother. Clearly, you neither wished to cook or clean for these young men , so why do you care who performed these tasks? The aunt was willing and they appear to be grateful. What is out of order in that situation? It was not your job to teach these young men anything and you did not do so; why now bother about their life skill development?

I think that you would be happier trying to resolve the issue of whether your husband has any interest or need in now creating a more traditional marriage. Unlike you, he may have discovered that this LAT is a status that works to his satisfaction. Many career military families function this way and the parties remain happily married.

The 2 of you will need to together decide what works best for you as a couple, but this time apart may have created a level of difference in your respective needs for proximity and togetherness.

He may not feel the need or desire to move towards a more traditional marriage relationship as this LAT may have for him been a effective and satisfying situation.

Sometimes, we have to be prepared to deal with the unexpected outcomes of the choices that we make.

@Tiredoftattler the difference between the aunt doing it and paid help is the relationship with all parties involved.
Paid help wouldn’t be “replacing a mother or wife” role as they’d do their job and leave. There wouldn’t be an undertone of intimacy between them all as the relationship would be purely professional and wouldn’t involve the same level of gratitude or relationship.

It’s a completely different scenario when you feel that you’re being replaced by another close family member, who your husband seemingly prefers to spend his free time with instead of you.

@Tiredoftattler I think my views are valid in the greater context of the whole dynamic. Dh didn't ask his sister to help out and in fact he was very irritated by her behaviour when it started stating that the boys should be doing this stuff themselves! However he took the line of not wanting to cross her because he doesn't like confrontation.
I didn't not want to ever help out but WE chose not to blend households. It was every bit as much his decision as mine.
To get back to the aunt. What I feel has developed over time is a Boy's Own attitude where everyone else is shut out (including their dm and their ds) except the one woman who colludes in this, the aunt/sister.
Dh and I do not have a traditional marriage and we both knew that getting into it. However, what this thread has made me realise is that he and his sons and his sister have created their own traditional unit to the detriment of a lot of the other key players. When I offer to do/help with things (birthdays etc.) and believe me I have, I'm told No, his sister is organising it. The latest example of this was me offering to have all the boys here for dinner a few weekends ago and I was told no as his sister had made plans.
His sister is not the issue but she is symptomatic of the greater issue at play here.
I also find it very alarming that the apparently independent, feminist man I married seems to have slid into letting his sister clean his room and wash his bedsheets..

@Tiredoftattler not many cleaners get invited on weekend trips with family.

@SpaceshiptoMars we explored moving but we both thought it unfair on either dc due to their ages, schools and friends. Our exact conversation around this was that as the dc go older and left school they would generally be more interested in being with their peers than with us and that we would gain some adult time. This is what has happened at my end but not at dh's.
Your point about grandchildren is very valid and is also something that has been worrying me.
I think we have possibly both evolved into wanting different things for our future.

@SpongebobNoPants you've articulated my feelings perfectly.

It may be that you need to revisit where you live versus continuing with the marriage. Your DH seems to be showing you where and how he now wants to live. How strong are your ties to where you are now?

If you do move, will your DH support your entry into his family? Will you be leaving your wider family behind?

I think as your daughter becomes older and more independent… you should stay with your husband in his flat and definitely book weekends together.

Also I think you should integrate with each other’s families socially! I don’t mean live or blend families…but organise drinks out or dinner etc to get to know each other better.

Lots of ppl end up socialising with their parents! I think me and my friends spend a consider amount of time socialising with our parents! We are mid-30s. We enjoy their time and company.

I would if this would have affected you so much if your daughter was 6 and not 16?

@SpaceshiptoMars and @Guavafish all very good points. However I don't seem to be able to clearly get across my point that the changes in dh's behaviour/attitude are something that has happened over time. It used not be like this and we were very much clear and on the same page about how we saw our future.
I find it a bit strange that the assumption seems to be that I should change my life to fit his. Is this because I 'only' have one dc as opposed to his 4?
No one seems to be suggesting he make an effort to fit into my life?
We both work full time and we are both the main breadwinners for our respective dc. However I am also the rp whereas he isn't.
We socialised a lot together up until a few years ago but now anything dh gets invited to he declines due to work or the dc.
My friends and family still invite him to everything whereas his do not extend the same to me.
He and I never get invited to anything at his end but he and the dc always do.
It's very hard to explain on here but it's bewildering behaviour that has escalated over time to a point where it has come to a head (for me) this summer.
I genuinely feel that even if I upped and moved to where his dc live I wouldn't actually be wanted. I think at this point it is suiting everyone, including dh, to keep me in my box.

I genuinely feel that even if I upped and moved to where his dc live I wouldn't actually be wanted. I think at this point it is suiting everyone, including dh, to keep me in my box.
That's what I was wondering. Perhaps it is time to ask him that question outright.

Did marriage change things? Has he 'acquired' you and now parked you as his safety net for later in life? Or does he genuinely feel his kids will be off to wider horizons soon (abroad, even) and this is the last hurrah as the original family?

This is not what I would want for marriage, OP. And that’s all that really matter.

Just like my situation with STBexDP, what I want is a partner. To share life with. I can’t be faffed while he drags his heels faffing about not offending his dd. While she and him both pretend she is 7.

Our situations are different in important ways (e.g. he is very integrated into my life). But for both of us it just seems a bit of a waste of time.