Struggling with dh & adult sdc

[sunset1978]

Would love some input or opinions on whether or not I'm being unreasonable here.
Dh and I have been together for 8 years and have been married for 4.
I have dd 16 and he has 3 ds 16, 20 and 22, and dd 26 who lives and works abroad.
Dh lives with me and dd but due to some mild enough sn on dd's part and his ds's ages, hobbies etc. (his dd was never an issue as she was at uni and very independent) we chose early on not to blend.
His ds' live 90 minutes away and dh has a small property there where he sees his ds' a part of every week even though one is 20 and one is 24 (the 16 year old is obviously a different kettle of fish). The days change due to the nature of his work (he travels weekly).

This has not been easy on either of us but we were trying to prioritise our dc. We are both independent people and as such we have always managed this and dh and I have always had a great relationship.
However lately I'm getting increasingly frustrated at how little time we have together.
Dh's 20 year old is working with him for the summer and as he doesn't drive when they are off work dh has to drive his ds home & so stays there instead of coming home to me. Now his ds is welcome here but doesn't want to be here. He wants to go home on his days off to socialise etc. which is understandable.

This working arrangement was made between him and his ds without any discussion with me about how it was going to impact us.
This ds is also getting very well paid by dh and has a decent amount of money for the first time ever. So, he has taken to buying himself, his brothers and dh tickets to weekend events such as theme parks etc. Dh never wants to say no as ds is doing a nice thing but this also means that I have seen dh one evening and morning a week for the last 8 weeks!!!
I have brought this up with dh but all I'm getting back is "everyone will be back in college in September and we'll see each other then!
I have plenty of friends but they are busy with their partners and families and I'm spending huge amounts of time alone at the moment. I'm a big girl and can cope with this but it's not what I got married for.
I always accepted that our time together would be limited while the dc were younger but I genuinely thought we would get more time together as the dc got older yet that seems to be getting further and further out of grasp.
His 22 year old ds still lives with his dm and while he has a job he only socialises with his brothers and dh. In fact I would say he considers dh his best friend and has become increasingly clingy over the last 2 years to the point where he texts or calls dh every day and both he and the 20 year old still expect dh to stick to regular access with them which I find very odd.
All of this is coming together to really make me question the future of my marriage.
I'm posting on here as I really feel it's dh's dynamics with his adult sons that are causing the issues in our marriage. His dd is a lovely woman and we've always gotten on really well and dh and my dd get on great also. He just seems to have developed this inability to say no to his sons regarding anything and I don't really know why.
Any thoughts from others who may have been in this situation would be so helpful.

Just because they’re of age doesn’t mean they don’t want quality time with Dad. I’m 26 and call/text my mother multiple times a day, it’s not unusual I enjoy her company and input. Perhaps his DC are the same. You do need to reevaluate your living arrangements and perhaps he needs to plan ahead with his children a bit better but you can’t blame this on hai children being ‘needy’ they’re maturing and obviously value their Dad. Your DH needs to better plan his life and maybe make a rule of one weekend at home one away?

@Ivy48 I do understand that you don't stop needing your parents as you get older. But there is a difference I think between needing and being needy. His dd does not behave like this and never did from what I know. She is in very regular contact with him but the tone of it is very different if that makes any sense.

Does he know you are questioning your marriage because of this?

@Ohanaa I have told him I'm not happy about the amount of time we're spending together and that I'm worried for our future.
His response has just been "but we knew it was going to be difficult with the dc".
My response to that is that yes, we knew that and we made certain decisions that have contributed to that but that we did so based on things getting easier as the dc got older and more independent.
He just shrugged and said things are the way they are at the moment!
Maybe he wants out and the dc are just an excuse?
I don't know.
We've always been able to communicate very well but I feel a bit gaslighted with this and I'm being made feel like I'm being ridiculous.

Maybe he wants out and the dc are just an excuse?
I was just thinking this
I couldn’t bear to only see my DP one evening a week, you may as well just be housemates because that isn’t a marriage.

I’m all for close relationships with your kids/parents, I’m extremely close with my mum but not to the detriment of my relationship with DP. You’re not a priority to him which is awful.

“We’ll have time together in September”???!!!

You deserve so much more than this.

Thanks @SpongebobNoPants. I think writing on here last night has made me focus a bit and since I wrote I've been thinking a lot and there's other stuff going on that also isn't sitting right with me.
For instance dh is the youngest in a large family. One of his older sisters lives where his dc live and she has a key to dh's property there. She has no dc or partner and has taken to coming into dh's properly and cleaning, changing the beds etc. This was not something dh ever asked her to do but like his ds buying all those tickets this summer, dh (while saying he was irked with her) never asked her to stop as she was doing a nice thing.
Dh will be taking holidays in a couple of weeks. We plan to go away for a few days but the rest of the time he'll be with the boys. He's arranged a few activities to suit the youngest who has invited dh's sister along on all of them! Same sister was invited to a match with them one day this weekend and bbq'd for them all the other day.
As a 43 year old woman I feel ridiculous writing this but she's behaving like a wife and mother and dh is letting her.
Like my original post this is all stuff that was present when we got married but wasn't problematic. However it is now stuff that seems to have gained legs and is really bothering me but is dismissed and accepted by dh.
Oh course dh and dc spending time with family is normal but it's the frequency and the tone of it that isn't sitting with me.
I think I need to get everything down on paper and lay it all out for him and see if I can get some idea of where his head is at.

Is there a reason you and your dd can't join at the theme parks and things? (Obviously buying your own tickets!). As they seem like very family friendly outings?

@Tanaqui we never get invited.
As I said in my original post we chose not to blend for various reasons but things always were and are amicable. His ds's are very much boy's boys and my dd who is mildly autistic finds them hard to be around for long periods. They also have no interests in common. Dd has no interest in sport and doesn't like theme parks and they have little interest in music, galleries, museums, animals which is what my dd likes.
We have done some day trips, birthdays etc. and things have been fine but as the dc have gotten older these have become less.
The difference is that as my dd has gotten older she has chosen to do this sort of stuff (birthdays, outings) with her friends whereas dh's dc still do all this stuff with dh and other family members.
It was the 20 year old's birthday a few weeks ago and they went out to dinner with dh, their aunt and another family member. I wasn't invited as due to restrictions the restaurant was only catering for tables of 6.
All these incidences aren't problematic in themselves but when added up become a big deal and when written down like this feel like dh has gradually stepped back from me and our marriage.

I’m sorry Op but I think you’re being given crumbs here. I’d be looking to move on and find someone whose circumstances and viewpoints are better suited to your needs and wants, and those of your daughter

All these incidences aren't problematic in themselves but when added up become a big deal and when written down like this feel like dh has gradually stepped back from me and our marriage.

I can totally see why it has all added up to feel that way. I think you need to stop downplaying it with comments like "I'm a big girl I can cope" and just tell him he needs to stop shrugging you off because you are not happy. It sounds like there are SO many ways he could include or see you more. He needs to know it is serious and is ultimatum time.

Thanks @aSofaNearYou. I think I downplay how I'm feeling because in some way I feel like it's my own fault. We were on the same page when we married but while I and my dd have moved on from everything being about dd and both she and I are becoming more independent of each other, that has not happened at dh's end. Nor does he seem to want for it to happen.
Yes. I need to spell everything out for him very clearly and see what comes of it.

OP, part of the issue is that now that it is convenient for you to charge the dynamics of your living arrangement(given the evolution of your daughters development) you are not accepting the fact that his sons development has taken a slightly different track.

In fairness, it seems that the early decisions were made primarily to accommodate your daughter. It is not uncommon in most families for siblings to have different interests and hobbies.

As for inviting the aunt to the birthday dinner, I would imagine that the boys are very grateful for the help that she provides to them in terms of cleaning and meals. They may demonstrate their gratitude to you by staying out of your orbit. They may feel that this is the way that you wanted things.

You and your partner decided that the children's development would guide and determine that time that you spend together. It cannot be solely your daughter 's milestones that are used to determine the end point of this agreement. His son's needs are also a part of the equation.

You and your partner may need to sit down again and discuss both of your views and expectations for moving forward. You LAT may have created less of a need for him to live together than for you.

His son's may share similar interests and hobbies that are compatible with his own , and he may have grown quite comfortable with the practice of having a part time wife/companion. In essence , he may feel no compelling reason to change this arrangement. It may be less about the sons and more about what has become his comfort zone.

The 2 of you, need honest and open discussions to clarify where you both stand in relation to forward movement.

You need to communicate how its making you feel, clearly.

You should also be able to book some time with him over the summer eg weekends away, activities etc. (I have to do this to an extent with dh only in his case it's work not sdc, and he really welcomes me getting him away from his phone with a cast iron excuse for clients).

If he can't even commit to some evenings/weekends, you have a problem with his commitment to you, I feel.

@Tiredoftattler you make some very good points and I agree with a lot of what you say particularly in the final part of your post.
However we chose not to blend not just for my dd's sake. Dh did not want to pull his sons away from friends and weekend activities and neither he nor I wanted to move schools for dcs in order to facilitate an easier blend. He was even more adamant about that than me.
Also, HE was the one who kept saying before we got married that this would not be long term and the dc would all get more independent. I have encouraged my dd's independence but he has done nothing to encourage same at his end. I'm not saying he's wrong in this, but he WAS wrong to tell me that's what he would be striving for but subsequently hasn't.
And yes, possibly the boys are grateful to their aunt for cleaning etc. but honestly I don't think they even see that and it's not her place anyhow. Dh is perfectly capable of doing all that and should be setting his male children an example of that.

They already do nothing at home for their dm and I know this as their ds has told me so, and now they just sit back and let their aunt wait on them.
That however is not really pertinent to my post and is an entirely different issue involving sexism.
Thanks for your insights, there's a lot to think on there.

@candycane222 yours is also a very thoughtful post. I used to do this a lot pre covid and covid has made me realise how much I did in this respect. Dh would book meals out etc. but I can only think of one occasion that he ever booked a weekend away. He says I'm better at it which I'm now seeing as code for: I can't be arsed but will go if you sort it.
I have booked the few days away we're going on at the start of August and I also tried book a weekend away in July but he said no due to wanting to spend his July weekends with the boys.
Writing all this down is really making me realise how poorly he's treating me.

Ouch, that last comment about all the weekends in July would really have hurt me, Sunset

He seems to have quite an - umm - unusual - interepetation of what 'husband' or 'partner' mean.

I agree @candycane222! It was not always like this and maybe it's just evidence of the marriage getting stale but it does feel like the dc are a contributing factor or maybe just an excuse.
I do understand wanting to spend time with older dc, but to the detriment of an adult relationship seems a bit much.

Oh, OP, have oodles of sympathy

My situation is quite similar.

When I met DP we both had kids lower end of secondary. In fact my dd was in Y6 at primary.

I have 2 dd’s, he has a ds and a dd. We were unable to blend (school logistics) and divided our time. Happy days. All compartmentalised. Then our kids started blending. His dd had crashed out of school prior to us meeting and wasn’t doing anything of note. Just at home and very helpless and sat at home drawing, pretending to write a book, nothing materialised. neither of her parents minded (fair do’s that’s their shout).

She is now 20 years old and doesn’t even do any laundry or chores. She barely leaves the house. She bakes cakes and makes scrap books and seeks validation from DP for all of the above. She won’t so much as get on public transport so DP is ‘stuck’ in his parenting, collecting, dropping off, shopping and cooking for them. All very ‘child like’. And frankly a bit bland. He wants to keep his kids coming to mine to wait on them hand and foot. I’m just ‘meh’ to all that now.

We (I) parked the idea of ever blending, so cringe inducing is his dd’s behaviour. And so incompatible is our parenting.

My dds are now 18 and 16, both have busy social lives, one is driving and working. The other about to go to college.

I’ve looked around at DP., as I look to the future and see my own horizons opening up. Reaping the rewards of parenting my kids towards richness in their own lives. What I see in DP is a man who seems stuck in ‘young childhood’ mode. Can’t say anything remotely negative to his dd. Pretends she is just ‘a bit immature’. They’re all in a sort of state of arrested development.

I’m ready to move on from needy children whether they be mine or anyone else’s. It’s a bit old and boring as we have been moving on. DP’s ds has been moving on. There’s a lot to lose as we have been together for 5.5 years. DP might still be parenting his dd like this when she is 40.

I’ll not be hanging around. I need to leave my DP behind to his permanent childminding and make a different path now.

to you

It’s hard. To describe the feeling about my relationshp, in these circumstances. Like he is smiling and saying ‘I can’t abandon them’ and I’m like ‘well, yep, ya could…I dunno.. parent them?! (towards adulthood, with some sort of impetus and encouragement of independence..???) but we are both talking a wholly different language. Can’t hear a word the other is saying.

All a bit bewildering. A special sort of emotional superficialness. No genuine achievable shared goals. Just ‘one day we will live together’ (…er…how?) aka crumbs and fake vague ideas about the future buy stuck on repeat with the small child thing.

I feel like the wind has just come out of the sails of my relationship. Someone let the air out of my balloon. It’s odd. I dunno, do you feel that, OP?

He doesn’t need you, OP, he’s got auntie running about. How odd.

I think these sort of men just want women running about pulling the emotional weight

I agree with many of the OP here. He’s not giving you enough.

I get your kids are always your kids and never stop needing their parents but this is extreme. You can enjoy your kids company but to do so at the detriment of your wife is not good.

He’s giving you very little and them a very lot, it’s not shared out.

I’d be either carving my own life and letting him get on with it. Or walking away/asking him to leave. What’s the point in being married to someone you see twice a month.

I think now his Dc are adults there is no need for him to have a second house to stay there, they can either come to you or they can go on days out etc. No need for this continued ‘contact’ arrangement for adults.

I wonder if your DH has any idea how you are feeling. If you barely see each other then maybe not. Or rather maybe he is choosing not to see it.

Maybe he needs to really hear how it feels for you to be continually excluded? Which is what it is. His family are fully aware he is married. Maybe it isn't on them to invite you but your DH frankly should be wanting to. If he doesn't... I too would be questioning the relationship.

I think lay it on the line for him that you are unhappy and why. If he doesn't want to change anything then you can decide if you are willing to stay in a part time marriage or not. I couldn't, personally.

OP, in the movie Steel Magnolias the Julia Roberts character said " I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a life time of nothing special. ". I often think about think about that when I am weighing the option of giving up something that is important to me.

Sometimes part time of something good is better than all of nothing special. Only you can determine what works for you.

Some of the stuff (them calling/texting) every day seems fine to me.

However, have I understood correctly that you only saw your dp twice in 8 weeks? I’m not sure if I’ve interpreted it wrongly, but that’s crazy if that’s the case. Honestly you might as well be single rather than in a relationship with someone you never see.

One thing is not to blend households and another one to be excluded.

It is all nice that he is prioritising his kids but he should also pay attention to you.

It is true that everyone will be back at university in September and I think, it is at that time when you need to assess the relationship with your DH and if you want it to continue.

I would say, however, that you need to focus all discussions in the little attention he is giving you rather than his kids. The kids are not the problem, they seem like a lovely bunch, you have a husband problem it is him who needs to ensure his attention is spread fairly. If he doesn’t think you are important enough to make time for you or include you in family activities, you have your answer and you are free to go.

Every family is different but I can see your point, OP. I was very close to my Mum and did days out with her in my early 20's, etc., but not to the extent you're describing.

OTOH, I wonder whether your DH is simply enjoying time with them this summer while he still can? One of my friends who has a 21 and 19-year-old said something along those lines recently - that this is probably the last summer she'll see alot of her eldest DD as she finishes university in 2022 and may well be in her first job. Could that be what your DH is thinking? Although his situation sounds more extreme....