Adult stepson & summer hols

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

SS is 20 and in second year at uni, he has a house for the summer in his uni town. Last summer he came home and spent time between his mum's (main residence) and our house. He had to be strongly encouraged to get a job but when he wasn't working he basically laid around in his room all day and did nothing around the house to help out. Also expected to be driven back and forth all the time as he doesn't drive.

A month or so ago he announced he was staying in uni town for the summer and had big work plans. We were pleased that he was making his own way in life a bit. But yesterday he announced that he wanted to come home - he's done nothing to find work apparently. DH has encouraged him to find work in his uni town as he doesn't really want a repeat of last summer. I feel a bit guilty but I can't help thinking that unless he's strongly encouraged he will still be living at home when he's 30. I can't face running round after another grown adult. Also I really need the room he stays in as office space as I've been told I'm not going back into the office at all.

Are we being unfair on him?

I mean I think the problem is less he's there and more that he's being a lazy so and so and DH should be like ok you can come back but you need to find a job or you can't come back.

He's 20 years old - he needs to be house trained or of course he would come back. He doesn't have to adult.

Make him work for the right to be in the house. This means picking up after himself, having abs doing things around the house, contributing towards food ect

No your not overreacting. This isn't a step child thing as such as a young adult that needs to be pushed to adult.

If he wants to come “home”, let him. Make it on the proviso he has to get a job though.
The ss bit shouldn’t be an issue.

It's common for uni students to return in the holidays so it's not out of the ordinary. Alot of seasonal jobs have not be available such as festivals that are not going ahead. I wouldn't expect a student to be working full time in the holidays but I'd expect them to be able to cook and tidy up after themselves.

I would tell him no problem, we'd love to have you (and mean it) but I am wfh so need the room vacated and inhabitable from 8.50am mon-fri.

What did he live on the summer he stayed before? What will he live on this summer?

Does he expect a certain lifestyle (lifts aside) or is he low maintenance in that respect?

How strongly does your DH feel about him being there and not working all summer?

Sorry folks I started another thread in AIBU as I didn't get responses here.

MNHQ please can you delete this one?

This one has much kinder responses.

@Fullofglee

It's common for uni students to return in the holidays so it's not out of the ordinary. Alot of seasonal jobs have not be available such as festivals that are not going ahead. I wouldn't expect a student to be working full time in the holidays but I'd expect them to be able to cook and tidy up after themselves.

That would be my attitude too.

The only modification I would make is not working in the room where he sleeps but moving my work to another room.

OP for future reference many of us on the step-parenting board are busy doing other things but eventually we will answer you.

Yes you are being unfair.

When I was at uni there were young adults who just left care, others who had separated parents and others with decreased parents.

Apart from the ones who had separated parents it was understandable why the other groups didn't have a home to go to in the holidays. Other students would put them up for all of the holidays if it was Christmas or part of the other holidays.

With those with separated parents many of the parents just seemed callous as the parents all had reasons why they didn't have space for them. Yet other families could juggle sleeping arrangements to put up someone who was a stranger to them.

So yes let your SS come home.

Also if he picks up a job in hospitality or a supermarket you cannot kick him out of his room at 8.50am as he will have random hours.

Plus it is common now for under 25 years not to drive due to the cost of insurance especially in university towns. If his parents and you want him to learn your DH and his mother needs to pay for it, and then someone will need to lend him a car in the holidays. As most over 25s have cars that are too expensive to insure a younger person on, it is cheaper and much safer to just give him lifts to his mother's.

Has something happened to cause his change of plan like all his friends going home too? Or a fall out with a boyfriend/girlfriend?

I think you'd be unfair to not allow him back over summer, many uni students go home over summer, my friends kids all come home and I know I'd never say no to my dd coming home.

But absolutely I wouldn't be picking up after her etc. I wouldn't expect her to work full time because she'd still be studying like she does during summer at college but she wouldn't be not helping out at home, she'd be cleaning up after herself and if we can afford it when the time comes I won't be asking her to pay for the extra food etc but she'd be taking her turn cooking. I think you'd very reasonable in insisting he pulls his weight and if money is tight then yes, he'll need to look at a part time job or use his student loan to cover the extra expenses but I wouldn't tell my child they have to stay at uni over summer.

Uni students should be working full time in the Summer holidays whether at Uni or back at home . They should be looking to cover their fun expenses and setting up a fun for the next academic year . They don't study in the Summer holidays .

setting up a FUND

so where is his home.
where is he meant to go.
of course he must be responsible and help in the running of the house, but if he has not been brought up to do so, whose fault is that.

@alexdgr8

so where is his home. where is he meant to go. of course he must be responsible and help in the running of the house, but if he has not been brought up to do so, whose fault is that.

As a stepmother you have little input unless they have been there since little children . If you get them as teenagers and their mother is a waste of space who doesn't cook and there is no home routine then it is her fault basically as major care giver . My H instituted a "room inspection" before they left to ensure that there are no wet towels lying on the floor and bed is made etc . Now he doesn't have to do it . OP has said his mother is his main residence . Regarding jobs I would say he should be where the best chance is of getting a job . As to feeding etc my H still pays money to his Ex for feeding his young adults in holidays .

@alexdgr8

so where is his home. where is he meant to go. of course he must be responsible and help in the running of the house, but if he has not been brought up to do so, whose fault is that.

He is soon to start his final year at uni. Time to be thinking hard about his future, getting a cv together so that it doesn't all happen in a rush with his finals. A related summer job would be just the thing to put on that cv, ready for the milk round. So much easier a path in life if you go from your finals straight into a salaried job.

So - if he has healthy self interest - he would be either be endearing himself to the person with the home best located for that - or doing a Norman Tebbit and getting on his bike.

If that home is the OPs - then endearing himself would take the form of recognizing that both OP and Dad have fulltime WFH jobs. So he'd need to make himself indispensable whilst being seen and not (much) heard! Tough ask!

“I can't face running round after another grown adult”

This suggests that you already ‘run around’ after someone? Why?

Unless there are any disabilities involved, any adult is capable of doing their own running around

@TeapotCollection

“I can't face running round after another grown adult”

This suggests that you already ‘run around’ after someone? Why?

Unless there are any disabilities involved, any adult is capable of doing their own running around

Possibly she does mean her H but hopefully he in turn runs around after her re gardens, bins , floor mopping, whatever . Sadly these young men tend to appear at all hours of the day like Death in a Hoody staring in the fridge and don't seem to think about others at all .

@SpaceshiptoMars he was meant to be arranging an internship which would be relevant to his future career plans. My frustration is that that hasn't happened so he's turning to the easy option. It's not the first time he's had grand plans only to put zero effort into making them happen and falling back on us.

To respond to another poster, my husband does pull his weight. But I find having another adult in the house who does little to lift a finger hard to stomach.

@alexdgr8

so where is his home. where is he meant to go. of course he must be responsible and help in the running of the house, but if he has not been brought up to do so, whose fault is that.

Mean not the OPs right ?

Baffling that people make excuses for kids like this but come down extra on SP and for daring to say er I don't like having to be a maid ? Or expected not to say a word.

But your absolutely right it's not for op to fix but it's also by that same token not for op to have to put up with either.

Just because the hot potato is being passed around re why is SDC being like he is, doesn't mean OP has to hold it and burn her hands whilst not being annoyed.

If she has a good relationship with mum and or dad then she needs to get them to sort it out.

He should stay at home. I use to go home most summers during my uni time.

But I would follow the house rule, help out and had a summer job.

He should do the same except it’s not necessary a job if he can’t find one

he was meant to be arranging an internship which would be relevant to his future career plans. My frustration is that that hasn't happened so he's turning to the easy option. It's not the first time he's had grand plans only to put zero effort into making them happen and falling back on us.

I had this with one of mine. Drilling down on why, it turned out they were utterly paralysed by the prospect of getting through interviews. We sat down with them and did some serious career planning, cv help and general interview prep. A family friend did mock interviews with them. A series of 'pinch me' small miracles then occurred, and within 6 months DSC was in possession of their dream job. I'm still pinching myself actually - I was hoping to get them there eventually, but they got there in one move!

Thanks that's helpful, I will get his dad on the case but I suspect it's too late for this summer now.