New house with DP - big regrets...

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I have been with DP 9 years in September we have two DS each. We bought and moved into a house together 6 weeks ago today and I feel as if I’ve made a huge mistake. I miss my old life, my own house, my own space, just me and my two DS. We used to see each other week on/week off (he has his DS’s 50%) The house is lovely and we have plans for an extension etc. We have a Deed of Trust in place. Our mortgage is a 5 year fixed so I’m going nowhere as the redemption fees are horrendous until at least year 3. The children are 12, 15, 16 and 17. I feel so low about it all and have almost totally shut off from DP.

Those in a blended situation. Does it get better?

I've lived with my DP and DSC for over 2.5 years now. I still hate it. It's not horrendous and DP loves it but it's just not for me. I feel like I don't relax when they are here. I miss that.

Hi your situation sounds very similar to mine, I had my own house which I bought after my divorce with my kids. My partner moved in we married and we bought another one which I put proceeds in so also has a deed set up . I absolutely hated it at first, I missed the dating him and found it hard adapting to another person and another family . I to missed my house but I kept it and rented it . Not going to lie it’s taken a lot of adapting to but it’s a lot better now . Just be careful it’s doesn’t become my kids your kids as there was lots of initial rows when I thought the kids were treated differently . We have a lot of kids between us !

I think blended families can work but they are also just that WORK.

You and DH have to be on same page from get go. It seems from this thread the main problem with blended families isn't the kids so much as the partner engagement or lack of with the kids.

If he's a Disney dad run - they are hard to reform and you will feel the need to step in to help/fix/replace what's missing and most of the time you may need to step back so he can step k.

Echoing PP it's not your kids verse his kids. It's the kids abs adapt and flex individually for each kids needs preferences. Split chores between DH and yourself and house rules you all come up together with the family.

What's underlying the dread OP ? Xxx

OP, it might help to have an open discussion of the feelings that have come with the change. It is likely that all involved are experiencing feelings of various kinds, and it might be reassuring for all of you to hear and realize that even positive change can be anxiety producing.

Six weeks is not much time to have acclimated to such a huge change. Give yourself more time and find new ways to reclaim some of your autonomy. Even, in the best of relationships and situations, some measure of autonomy is essential to maintaining self respect and self identity/personal control.

Recognize that this is a different experience but it need not be a negative experience. Give it time to evolve into a different kind of positive experience.

I don’t know why people do this to themselves. Did you not think to rent together first as a dummy run at least? It’s still early days though so hopefully you’ll get used to it

When you saw each other was that the week he had his kids? The dynamics of you all being together must be very different. Can you think of the benefits of having your partner with you and sharing a life with him properly rather than just week on/week off

Which age kids are whose? The older two are practically adults and if their not yours thats a massive adjustment to living arrangement. If the younger two are his is it that you've had to revert to have dependable children around?

We have 20,20,22&24. Eldest lives permanently away, younger 3 university with 2 in residence currently. Looking forward to them being gone but it is ok once you get used to it

I'm 5 years in. Sometimes I enjoy the SC being here (10 & 12) and other times I have sat at my desk and worked out how many nights/days I don't get to see them, to give myself happiness that this is not all the time!

It is not easy. Far from it. It takes work from your DP and you. Communication is very important.

Have I wanted to walk? Yes. More times than I can remember. Without the children how is our life? Great. And that is what keeps me here.

Thank you for responses. Mine are (nearly) 17 and 12, his are nearly 18 and nearly 16. Since we've moved here his haven't been here 50/50 the eldest is driving now and has stuff going on where his Mum lives (and where all his friends are) the almost 16 year old is going off to a 6th form college a 2hr drive away in September so won't be here very much. It's not the kids at all really. It's our relationship. I feel I've made a huge mistake and want my old life back but I'm trapped now. I'm being a cow because I'm so unhappy which isn't fair on him. I just don't know how to get out of this rut I'm in and just get on with it. I don't feel in control of my life and we just bicker constantly.

Is it more the cohabiting making you feel suffocated?

Have you not been able to discuss this? And are you sure it’s doomed? After such a short time?

Some relationships do ok with bickering but it wouldn’t be for me. You clearly need an honest chat.

In my experience it never got better. We’re separated now. I couldn’t deal with his lack of parenting and Disney dadding. My home was never my home when the SC were around. For my own sanity I moved out and bought my own place. Financially I’m much worse off but every single day I count my blessings.

marcus how long did you live together for? did you own a place? I think one of the main things is we both sold our houses and bought together with a 5 year fixed mortgage. The redemption fees are horrendous until about year 3.

As someone else said it is the cohabiting that isn't working, we haven't had a serious chat but he knows I'm not happy. Even if we did have a chat there is no solution? I feel I'm stuck for 3-5 years. We own this property 60/40 currently (I had more equity) He is paying the mortgage until he catches up with me and we own it 50/50. I work part time in a school so don't earn a huge salary. I can't just move out and pay rent somewhere else.

OP, loving does not always mean that we need to live together. Commitment does not come from nor does it increase because of proximity. Love is based on shared feelings and not from proximity.

Adults who have children ,organized lives with financial independence, and satisfactory routines may gain little but disruption by moving in together. You are not loving your partner more because of this proximity. Sometimes you create a solution in need of a problem.

Seemingly, your living apart was working for the both of you and moving in together has not enhanced your relationship. That could be because there was nothing missing in your relationship prior to your living together.

You attempted to fix something that was not broken. Next steps may be necessary for young people who are just starting out in life ; once you have achieved certain milestones in your life , maintenance and sustainability are perhaps more important and need not be accomplished or attained in the same way as early age/stage relationships.
With luck, you can revisit the stage and practices that were actually working for you.

We lived together for six years. I did try and try the whole time. I lived in rented before I met him, the low cost of living with him enabled me to save. When I first started saving I didn’t know what it was for, just a ‘rainy day’. I now realise I was sub consciously planning my leaving strategy. I worked three jobs at one point and spent very little. My place is only shared ownership but I don’t have to share it. In hindsight I can see so many reasons I should have left a long time before I did. I loved him and wanted it to work so badly but we were very different people with wildly different parenting styles. I knew from the first week of moving in that it didn’t feel like my home.

Do you do enough stuff separate from each other OP? Maybe you just need a bit of space and to have your own interests.

What were the motivations to buy together?

It could be an adjustment, a feeling of being trapped and maybe you will work it through. Has the move been stressful?

I run three times a week and go to a couple of circuit classes so that's 'my time' he very much wants to do everything together whereas I see benefits in doing things separately as well, including spending time with our own children on our own.

The move wasn't anymore stressful than normal, apart from the fact we were moving two houses into one so it's taking a while to unpack and decide what and what not to keep.

The house is a bit of a project which we're hoping to start in the New Year, so I suppose I wait and see what happens after that...

Regarding the motivation for moving in together, this is probably where it was wrong. We've been together nearly 9 years, the children are getting older so we thought we may as well. My house was on the market first as I was looking to downsize, then we kind of just made the decision to move in together...

OP I feel like a big part of your problem is him wanting to do everything together. I was in a similar situation in that we were together a long time and only married and moved in together 3 years ago. It's a big adjustment and you still both need your own space. I go on holiday without him and it's all good - it makes us appreciate the time we have together more. Don't let him strong arm you into thinking you have to be joined at the hip.

chocolate now THAT sounds like a good idea! do you have children? if so, do you take them away separately too?

He would see it as a huge snub if I took my children away without him and his, whereas I would positively encourage him. I think it's healthy to spend time apart, with and without the children..

Yes I have a teen and we have been away without him lots. He doesn't mind this at all. He also takes his kids away separately sometimes. A bit of space is healthy!

DP and I rented together beforehand but I still found it very hard when we bought a house together. Before I always felt like I could walk away if I wanted to - a fixed term mortgage was a much bigger commitment! I agree you need to give it longer - six weeks in is very early.