Finding it hard to cope

[reflection]

I wish I didn't feel like this but I do. Me and DH have been together for four years and generally have a good relationship. I have a SD(12) and SS(14) but they have different mothers. SS mum great have always got on really well and can chat anytime. SD mum has been really horrible in the past but is getting better. The problem is me, I really have a problem with jealousy. My DH left everything to SD mum for the security of the children(she has two others from previous marrage) and we also pay maint. DH has been made redundant and we are seriously struggling and I now pay kids maint. What I am finding hard to cope with is my thoughts about SD mum. She takes every opportunity to make sure that I know that they(new husband and new baby) are having a wonderful time. Extentions, holidays, new cars etc. I hate it, she has never held down a job as she has always stayed at home with the children but she has every thing that she wants from her new husband and the maint from her ex's. It's just not fair... I feel so pathetic feeling like this and i know that I am rambling but I'm so mad and I just want her to leave me alone.

I do sooo understand how you feel, reflection. My SD just came back from holidays (disneyland in florida) where ex took her along with another 2 of her children. Extensions, conservatories and cars (although she hasn't got a DP as far as I know). No job. And I had to stop smoking to save some money for my DD first shoes :0 proud of myself now, but that's not the point...
Good thing is, my DH doesn't communicate with his ex.
Any chance you can stop seeing your SD mum and talk to her/about her?
And what kind of law in this country makes you to pay maint for his kids??

Lenaw thank you for your reply. I have tried to reduce contact with SD mum by asking DH to reply to any text or calls to my phone but she does stuff like sending 'stray' text messages. You know text messages that are ment for someone else but unfortunatly by technological error, end up on my phone. Seven in total. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH was one of them, ended up on my phone instead of her husbands. When I called her to inform her that her maint payment would be late she told me that I couldn't talk to SD(didn't ask to) as she was eating her take away and that it was her favourite... I know better, I know she is getting satisfaction from adding every little thing that she can but it just gets to me some times. Its good to off load especially as I would never want to respond to this woman for the sake of my SD that I would'nt wamt to hurt. It's a good site I like to read other peoples opinions and experiences so I don't feel bad sbout myself as I'm not the only one. If only we could just switch these emotions off! Well done to you Lenaw for giving up smoking. I pay maint to keep the peace, for the sake of the children. Not required to by law(I don't think)

how annoying reflection. i wish i could give some useful advice, but the way i would go around is to just ignore the little things like the mislead texts, and just say "oh right then" on comments like her favourite takeaways. Not quite the same situation, but my ex's parents always make some sort of comment that i just feel like smacking them. But I think the best way to deal with it (or at least that I find) is to show its not bothering you, and just come on here to have a rant after just to let it out! Hope you find something more useful to help you! xxx

Was your dh married to this woman? if not then he owes HER nothing for a start, his responsibilities are purely for his dd. On the other hand it is certainly not your respionsibility to pay child maintainance if he can't afford it. In your situation it sounds as if the ex has more than enough money to feed, clothe, and support her own dd. If you are struggling financially to the point that it is putting a strain on your relationship then I think you seriously need to look at how much money you pay in child maintainance. Are you in the UK? If so you can go onto the Child Support Agency website which has a calculator which you can use to work out how much your dDH is legally required to pay.
I know all about the feelings of resentment that paying child maintainance way above the legal requirement can cause - in my situation I have often felt that my dp ex's has 2 men paying for her lifestyle - my dp gives her money towards his kids (about 4 times more than he is legally required) and then she has a boyfriend who finances her nights out, weekends away to festivals, long haul holidays, whilst my dp and i can't go out for the last 2 weeks of the month at times because money is so tight.

GoGo Valleygirl!! too true hun. Listen to this woman!!

As for the texts - why has she got your number?
I would change it if I were you... I know, why should you, but then why should you put up with this? Your personal, private tel No, is NOT public domain. There are laws against sending unwanted texts to someone else's phone. If you have asked her NOT to text you or call you, then she is treading a fine line. If you haven't asked her not to, then do so, or change your number.

I have to say that from a personal point of view, I wouldn't pay for my skids maintenance. Especially if I were struggling to make ends meet for my own. No way.
Of course it would be a little different if I won the lottery, but can't afford to...

A court case told my dh's ex not to darken their doors again for money... my bm has no leg to stand on... she has more blinkin money than we do, thanks to the so called system in this country... benefits???? Whose???? None of it goes to the kids anyway!!

Oh rant rant rant...
forget it hun... do yourself a favour and get rid of that phone. It IS dh's place to deal with this whether he likes it or not.
Speak to the CSA - they are ok in some ways... (urhum). They will assess your dh as not earning and BM will just have to whistle for her extension/conservatory/holiday
(What are those things anyway???)

Sorry to rant.... good luck and be strong.

ooooh, sorry. Think I got the wrong one...

Oh no I didn't! I just had three too many!!! sorry. LOL!!!

Thank you so much for reading and replying to my message. It has really helped me to get a sense of perspective!(is that spelt right). I think I have taken on more than I can handle. We couldn't pay our mortgage today yet I paid houndreds of pounds in maint this month. I have decided that this will have to stop. The ex has my number because one day when my dh went to collect his dd and when they were travelling home she phoned my home number. She said that my dh did not communicate sufficiently and that maybe it would be better if I should talk to her. This was a few years ago and I now know that it was a mistake. I thought I could help but instead I felt very manipulated and stuck in the middle, so I have started to back off for my own sanity. I am at work and I have to go but thank you for your support. It is really needed right now.

hi reflection, sorry havent really got time to post a long message but have been in similarish circumstances, in my opinion you cannot put your partners kids maintainence infront of your own family etc. It is ludicrous that you are paying maintainance to her when you cant pay your own mortgage.

get your partner to go back to the CSA immediately, call them inform them that there is an urgent change in circumstances and that you need a reassessment and that you will not be paying until it is reassesed stress that you will make provisions for back payments to be paid once they have made the reassessment and if poss drop them a line saying that he will resume payments fully as and when he has another job or income.

The csa arent all bad and you have to be sensible if this goes on you will lose alot and possibly your relationship will suffer too so then the ex wouldnt have your money to support their life style anyway. Masses of sympathy for you ....

You do have to reassess your situation if you cannot pay your mortgage and are paying hundreds of pounds of child support. It really sounds as if the children won't suffer, and frankly, even if they did, you simply cannot afford to do this as you will end up homeless.

I agree with the others, look after yourself first and contact the CSA to get an urgent reassessment. It doesn't sound as if the children will suffer because your husband is paying less maintenance. She will just have to cut back on takeaways and new cars!

The way I look at it with my SD is that it is not just my husband's responsibility to provide for her, it is her mother's equally. It is not mine. (That doesn't mean that I would ever see her go without anything essential).

Hi Reflection Dp and I are in a similar situation except its the CSA that are demanding the money off him. Hes been made redundant and we are awaiting their reassessment. We simply cant afford to pay what they are asking. According to eveything Ive read they shouldnt take your income into account when assessing maintainence either under the old or the new systems and you can refuse to give your details to them if you wish (its a violation of your human rights apparently..I have been reading too much). I agree with surfergirl that its the mothers and fathers responsibility to look after their children financially not mine (tho when I can I help out). Good luck with getting this sorted. If you have any problems with CSA see your MP and they will sort it for you. good luck. Its so stressful dealing with it all. If you need any more details let me know.

A very big thank you to all of you that have given me the time to post such good advice. I have been thinking long and hard about the situation and I have done some maths. If transfer the mortgage to my acc and no longer pay the child maint then we can just about manage. I now know that it was pride that clouded my judgement and that this is the right thing to do. It's so difficult, I have no children and have never had step children before but to be honest it's not the kids that cause me anxiety it's SD BM. I have spent so long trying to keep her happy that I thought that this was the way to go. Keeping everyone happy is no longer my priority. Dh has decided to go it alone and start his own business. So fingers crossed in time we will resume maint as usual and put this horrible time behind us. All I know is that we would do anything for those children and even if we have no money we can still give them our time and love. No doubt DH's ex is just loving it...

Thanks again. I wanted to say good luck to you tarantula and to all those stap parents that read this.