How to tell DSC and DC about new pregnancy

[newomums]

Hi all

So just a bit of background. I have one DSC who is 12 and one DC who is 2.5 and we have been trying for a baby for a little while and I have found out I'm pregnant. Hurrah.

The family dynamics are that I get on really well with my DH ex, DH is hand on and DSC and me get on really well and love having her around as a rule.

Way before we considered having a baby we spoke to DSC about it and how she would feel (she was 11) . This was because when she was 6 the ex and DH were going to have another and she melted down and said they couldn't, because she wanted to be a only child (tbh I get that as it's a tricky age 6 and they broke up soon after so I don't know how happy DSC was at this time but I don't want to speculate further than that). She said she's happier that mummy and daddy don't argue anymore or live together more.

So was apprehensive about trying for baby with her feelings in mind and wanted to make sure she was ok with the idea, if she wasn't I wouldn't have wanted to try tbh. Also the fact I have had a lot of miscarriages and I don't want to upset either one of the kids was a factor in waiting a bit.

When we spoke to her (she was 11) about it she got a bit excited and thought about it and said "yes you can, I would like that" (she's very dry) but we left it a while and checked in and she was still happy and had asked me about miscarriages as she had chatted to her mum and her mum had had a loss before her and she had questions (ever a practical girl and smart too) that I think she had a couple of questions she didn't ask her mum (DH was there to at the time) and I kept it factual and age appropriate without getting to emotive. She also asked if I had any and I explained v top level I had and it's something that is very unlucky but not the rule for every person.

Now she's 12 nearly 13 and I'm in early weeks of being pregnant. Im leery to tell them now because of previous losses and I don't want to let the girls down (my DD who's two won't really understand - but DSC will and she's who im worried about).

Timing wise what would you suggest - usually I would wait until 20 weeks scan as I know things can go so very wrong at that point but the slight problem is im throwing up already a lot and worried about showing earlier than I did with DD (I showed at 20weeks) and I want her to be involved or as uninvolved as she chooses. Im also not down with lying or hiding it but I don't want to crush my DSCs hopes (she's said in a ideal world it would be a girl as boys are annoying 😅 I told her ifs a boy she will have to blame DH)

Anyway I'm probably over thinking this but I want to tell them together, in a nice way and I want her to feel included so any ideas on that are welcome. I also want to protect her from being hurt if this doesn't pan out and I'm not sure if I should give her mum a head up before I tell her, or how many weeks I should wait to tell them ?

Help I feel like I'm going to step on a landmine as DSC and DD get on really well together even with the age gap.

I might just comment and say that our family is very lucky to have such a lovely mum and a my DH is a hands on dad (which means I'm really lucked out) but this one has him scratching his head and he way excited to tell everyone right now. I want to be respectful, I want to do right by both children in this house. This in my head means timing has to be right.

Help - tips and advice ? I suspect DSC will be excited but not overtly interested until babies get as she will probably say that pregnancy doesn't look fun if she sees me throwing up and leave it at that. But I don't want to assume how she will feel until she feels it and I want her to feel included, and safe to feel what she feels.

My DSD aged 8 guessed I was pregnant because I was so unwell. She spoke to her mum about it long before the 12 week scan.
That baby was stillborn at 35 weeks following a A* perfect pregnancy that went horribly wrong very suddenly.
Nothing is guaranteed at any point. If she's a smart girl she will guess and it's better you've already been honest with her IMHO.
And it's not her mum's news to share so I wouldn't be going down that road either. We told DSDs mum after we told DSD both times.

You might be overthinking this, OP. You already have a 2yo who I'm assuming isn't your DPs but presumably is treated like a sibling to DSD? And the new baby will be a sibling to both? Does your DD see her father? So SD will be used to the differing r'ships in a very mixed family anyway. Unless I'm missing something?

@Youseethethingis just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss 🥴. I do suspect DSC will guess and my DD well won't really grasp it as a concept. I just don't want to blindside anyone but I think your right DSC first.

@LimpLettice I right I'm defo over thinking this . I'm a little worried that My DSC (11 year old) will feel misplaced or get hopes up. My DD is DH DSC and she's 2 so we have both brought a child.

Gah x

My DD has 2 baby brothers, first when she was 9. She knew fairly early on with both and was mature enough to understand not everything works out...they are half siblings but we don't call them that. I'd wait til 12 weeks if you can, then SD first. Your DD will be oblivious so I wouldn't worry about that! Include SD in planning, excitement, ideas etc and it will be fine!

@LimpLettice

My DD has 2 baby brothers, first when she was 9. She knew fairly early on with both and was mature enough to understand not everything works out...they are half siblings but we don't call them that. I'd wait til 12 weeks if you can, then SD first. Your DD will be oblivious so I wouldn't worry about that! Include SD in planning, excitement, ideas etc and it will be fine!

May I ask do you just refer to them as your brother and sister ? I think saying half brother or sister is a bit of a mouth full.

I'm glad someone's had good experiences with it. I'm going to hold out as long as I can.

I suspect I'm worried about rocking a boat that has been steady for a long while and don't want to cause upset. Esp give how many things crop up on this board.

Crossing everything goes monthly xxx

I think if you are being sick you will have to tell her. I had fertility treatment for my children and have had three losses and desperately didn't want to tell anyone.

I started vomiting about 7 days after the treatment on both successful pregnancies so not even at the 4 week mark. I had HG and was sick until I delivered them. Literally everyone knew right from the start. I was walking round at work with a vomit bowl.

Sometimes you don't get a choice when to tell people.

I was 12 when my mum and her new husband had a baby. I knew way before they told me that my mum was pregnant. So they made a huge big fuss about telling me and I just said I’ve known for weeks. I was really happy for them.
She was never ever my half sister, she is my sister and that’s it.
Maybe wait til 12 weeks and then just tell her

We told DSD after my 12 week scan first time and told her earlier the second time; she didn’t really notice that I was ill the first time but it was more obvious the second time (9 first time and 12 the second time). If you wait until 20 weeks it’s likely she’ll pick up on it; I felt that the first time we couldn’t risk telling her earlier in case something went wrong but the second time she was with us for a whole week amd I was sick a lot so it seemed likely that she’d pick up on it and DH felt she was old enough to understand if something happened (I’m not so sure but he felt it was ok). We told her mum immediately after telling her but not before as her mum probably would have told her.

@lunar1

I think if you are being sick you will have to tell her. I had fertility treatment for my children and have had three losses and desperately didn't want to tell anyone.

I started vomiting about 7 days after the treatment on both successful pregnancies so not even at the 4 week mark. I had HG and was sick until I delivered them. Literally everyone knew right from the start. I was walking round at work with a vomit bowl.

Sometimes you don't get a choice when to tell people.

This is my fear. I'm on threads and a lot aren't dealing with the waves of sickness im getting and it's early to be getting it as is ! I can't imagine what it's like whole way through 💕💕 esp if it was IVF that's gruelling !!

I'm sorry about your losses 💐 but your right my hand maybe forced. I just want to protect both DC (although one of them is a DSC - I still think of her as family) and I don't want to upset them.

Silly really I know !

Also when both DC arrived she was very happy but not all that interested in the pregnancy bit and we let her take the lead in how much we talked about it as didn’t want her to feel that was all we talked about

@Poppop4 @Bksjshsbbev2737 I think I may follow your guys lead on this DSC is a smart cookie. I suspect she will guess and just flat out ask.

I will tell her mum after we tell her, she's usually pretty reasonable. She knows my DH wanted more kids tbh I doubt she will be shocked.

It's reassuring to hear this hopefully won't rock the boat to much with DSC as I do love her dearly. Teenage years are hard and I don't want to add to it ! I'm also grateful to hear that I wouldn't be misstepping to say sister or brother (although I will let her chose her own words on that front)

She's going to be really annoyed if it's a boy. She seems to like our girl dominated house !

@Bksjshsbbev2737

Also when both DC arrived she was very happy but not all that interested in the pregnancy bit and we let her take the lead in how much we talked about it as didn’t want her to feel that was all we talked about

I feel this in my bones with my DSC I think babies are boring from her perspective. Which is absolutely fine !

As long as they don't interrupt her gaming time I think she will be ok bless her

How long have you been with your partner and part of your DSD’s life? If your DD who is not your partners is only 2.5, that seems like an awful lot of change/upheaval for DSD in a short amount of time.

There are no 'halves' in this house. They are brothers and sister. DDs dickhead dad tried once then remembered he has old children who I never called halves either. From in - laws either - no step grandchildren.

My lovely girl hoped for a pink one both times, but adores her brothers and secretly likes being my only daughter. Maybe DSD will settle for always being daddy's only girl if she gets a brother!

@RosieGuacamosie

How long have you been with your partner and part of your DSD’s life? If your DD who is not your partners is only 2.5, that seems like an awful lot of change/upheaval for DSD in a short amount of time.

Just to be clear my DD dad - left when I found out I was pregnant for another female we had been together 8 years point at that point. I have a good relationship with her dad - just the repeated late miscarriages took its toll and he deserves happiness but admittedly I was angry about it at the time so that was about 3 and a bit years ago now.

I have actually been in DSC life since she was born as I knew the whole family before her mum had DSC and was close family friend although the link was DH sister. I knew DH and his ex both - when together and apart as his sister is my best friend. So I spent time with DSC when me and DH sister lived together (she's now DSC, not then obviously) was often around because of her cousins play together and her mum was poorly at the time and need support and I was a extra set of hands. So nearly 12 years

In my current role as SM 2 1/2 years ?

Weird I'm having to explain that 😵‍💫

And yes if your all wondering I was set up with DH by his sister heavily pregnant. Madness come to think about it now.

Helps I always got on with DSC mum too.

@LimpLettice

There are no 'halves' in this house. They are brothers and sister. DDs dickhead dad tried once then remembered he has old children who I never called halves either. From in - laws either - no step grandchildren.

My lovely girl hoped for a pink one both times, but adores her brothers and secretly likes being my only daughter. Maybe DSD will settle for always being daddy's only girl if she gets a brother!

If it's a boy I'm gonna swing that angle tbh. She's quite insistent that we could decide the gender - googled it and everything 😵‍💫 and has put in the request. Although I don't think she realises that that it's only with IVF and that's a topic I don't want to have to cover unless asked about

I don't think she will be overtly interested until baby is more engaging if you know what I mean. She's a teen, has her pals her life ect