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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Moving in with partner that has no kids

29 replies

OhSoVintage · 13/07/2021 08:26

So this is our situation:

Me:

-Im studying for my masters so can only work part time teaching. I earn 1/4th of my partners wages
-I get child tax credit and working tax credit
-I rent out a room in my home
-I have no mortgage but high bills including things like masters costs that my student loan does not cover
-I get child maintenance from my ex
-I have one daughter that lives with me of 14 and one of 21 that lives away from home and is financially independent.

So this is my partners situation:

-Has house with mortgage
-Will rent house to cover mortgage and a little extra

no kids
earns 4 times my earnings

Now here’s the thing:

My partner wants to move in and have a shared situation in terms of a joint account for bills 50/50 and our own money for income and spending kept separate as is.. However I will loose tax credits obviously and my already tight income will go down quite notably.

I know this will be countered by my partners earnings but if we are keeping it separate I feel like I am going to be in a venerable situation where I’m broke and she is in a better situation.

Thing is we spend most of our time together, my daughter gets on really well with her. We love each other to bits etc.

But we have both been in difficult relationships in the past and both taken a lot to build up independence. I was in a relationship what was abusive and so loosing control is something that really scares me.

Im just wondering how people approached finance in similar situations. Where the partner moving in doesn’t have a child and single parent support is lost but you can’t expect the new partner to be financially responsible.

Part of me if wondering if I wait two years till after my masters (two years) but on the flip side we are ready in all other ways and running two households is difficult as well financially.

OP posts:

FelicityPike · 13/07/2021 08:29

I’m going to say no.
You don’t have a mortgage, he could easily sweep in and a few years down the line you’ve got yourself a cock lodger and struggle big time financially and end up having to sell your house to get rid of him!
Sorry, but I just wouldn’t.

motogogo · 13/07/2021 08:33

It depends so much on your dp. Is she fully aware of your situation financially? Is she able and willing to cover the shortfall? Mismatched incomes are very common and most of us are able to work around it without issue, in your case you get child support which goes into the household pot to cover your child which is helpful. My advice is frank discussions and a spreadsheet!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/07/2021 08:35

Your current situation is good. You would be moving into less favourable circumstances.

Stay put.

motogogo · 13/07/2021 08:35

@FelicityPike Read the op, it's a female partner! Still could be issues but terminology is wrong!

LizziesTwin · 13/07/2021 08:38

You’ll also have to pay more council tax as there will be 2 adults.

Only gain for you is company. How long have you been together?

Nuggetnugget · 13/07/2021 08:39

I would wait until you finish your Masters 100 percent

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 13/07/2021 08:41

Absolutely not. I’d have a Frank discussion and would say if we follow your plan, my income will reduce by … because I will lose my tax credits (and your rental income) and I can’t afford that sorry. The flip is that his disposable income will increase as presumably he will rent out his own place and get ££’s from that? Very unfair. I’d ask what he thought would make it more fair in the situation, as you’re not going to do something that will affect your income so negatively. If he wants it to work it has to benefit both of you equally. If you can’t have this conversation then your relationship is not at the point you should be considering moving in anyway.

Gazelda · 13/07/2021 08:41

Will you also lose the income you currently get from your lodger?
It lo is as though you will be substantially worse off financially. How long have you been together? How certain are you that she will be your partner for life?

SimonJT · 13/07/2021 08:42

@FelicityPike

I’m going to say no. You don’t have a mortgage, he could easily sweep in and a few years down the line you’ve got yourself a cock lodger and struggle big time financially and end up having to sell your house to get rid of him! Sorry, but I just wouldn’t.

Only if she chose to sign over part of her home to her girlfriend, or if they get married.

Blacktothepink · 13/07/2021 08:43

No way…think about it

FelicityPike · 13/07/2021 08:43

[quote motogogo]@FelicityPike Read the op, it's a female partner! Still could be issues but terminology is wrong![/quote]
I did miss that bit, sorry….swap cock lodger for absolute sponger then.

DennisTMenace · 13/07/2021 08:45

Unless she is going to give you the same amount that you are losing in tax credits then no I wouldn't. You haven't mentioned her paying rent either. Of she is renting out her place for more than her mortgage then she should pay rent at yours. Others she is suddenly much better off and you lose out.

SimonJT · 13/07/2021 08:45

What do the sums look like?

If your girlfriend pays bills 50/50 you’ll pay 25% less council tax and 50% less on utilities/food, despite being responsible for 2/3 of utilities and food.

Dogoodfeelgood · 13/07/2021 08:45

I think as a rule you should both be winning a bit? In this situation only your partner is winning as they’re getting extra income from the rent of their house, and presumably reducing their costs by moving in with you and splitting things. Because their mortgage is now covered by rent, that’s not really “bills” for them anymore - whereas your bills remain plus you have a reduced credit and presumably lose your housemate, so lower income. As PP said, you need a spreadsheet - if they earn 4 x as much you shouldn’t be paying half. In this situation I would say your partner should be paying you what you’re currently earning from renting the room out plus any reduction in universal credit - and then you split the bills in a way that works, but I wouldn’t say 50:50 - maybe 60:40.

StepladderToHeaven · 13/07/2021 08:56

It's not fair if it means she'll be better off and you'll be worse off as a direct result of moving in together. Can you sit down and work out exactly how you will be affected and split that between you?

Eg say your income will go down by £500 per month from losing your tax credits and your lodger. And hers will increase by £1000 per month as she'll no longer pay her mortgage. (Obviously these numbers are made up.) So she gives you £750 per month as well as splitting bills.

It's not asking her to support your child, it's agreeing for her to make up for your drop in income.

lunar1 · 13/07/2021 09:00

I'd wait until after your masters and things can be more equal. You would be putting yourself in a vulnerable position and making yourself dependent because of the shortfall.

Your finances sound very carefully balanced to get you through your education and I'd be very wary of tipping the boat.

sassbott · 13/07/2021 09:07

So high level.

Your partners mortgage and some other bits will be covered by them renting their home out. The renters will cover the bills your partner currently pays 100% of.

Your house has no mortgage cost but bills that you currently pay a % of (and the lodger will contribute to). Your partner is suggesting they move in and contribute 50% to shared household bills. Which from the sound of things will bring their monthly expenditure down huge amounts. As part of their bills is not covering your masters costs.

You however are set to lose all the credits you get, plus a hike in council tax. Would your partner moving in mean you no longer have a lodger and lose that income too?

Bluntly I wouldn’t go near this in your shoes under the current proposal.
I would ask your partner to write down their currently outgoings. You to to do the same. And look at what is left at the end of the month.
Then what the number will look like for each of you if you move in together.

Unless I had a cohabiting agreement that ensured my lost costs were covered by my partner? (And a legal agreement stating that they cover those costs out of their higher earnings) , I wouldn’t step into this arrangement.

It’s lovely that your partner gets on with your child etc etc but financials are just that. If this doesn’t work out, your partner will have a larger savings cushion they have built up (assuming they’re a saver) and a house they can move back into as it’s being rented. They are in a win win situation.

You? You could be on your knees financially. What would you risk putting not only yourself but your child in that situation?

ApolloandDaphne · 13/07/2021 09:12

This proposal only works for your partner and not for your. You need to go back to the drawing board and have a frank discussion. Get the figures down in black and white. If your DP agrees it is unfair and you adjust things to make sure of parity them by all means let her move in. If she refuses to budge and doesn't 'see' the issues then I would suggest not going ahead with this plan.

HollowTalk · 13/07/2021 09:13

No way. Financial independence is so important. Sounds as though you are in a good position, don't let anyone affect that.

Pebbledashery · 13/07/2021 10:05

DON'T DO IT. YOU WILL REGRET IT.

moofolk · 13/07/2021 10:08

One advantage (among many) of having a female partner is that it is easier to remain as separate, autonomous humans in the eyes of the law.

Youseethethingis · 13/07/2021 10:39

Equal bills is for housemates.
Equal benefits is for partners.
Does the arrangement proposed benefit both equally or not? That's the question you need to put to your partner and if you feel you can't then you shouldn't be moving in anyway as PP said.

dorris88 · 14/07/2021 09:03

@Youseethethingis

I needed to read that today.

Thank you

HeckyPeck · 14/07/2021 12:00

@sassbott

So high level.

Your partners mortgage and some other bits will be covered by them renting their home out. The renters will cover the bills your partner currently pays 100% of.

You however are set to lose all the credits you get, plus a hike in council tax. Would your partner moving in mean you no longer have a lodger and lose that income too?

You? You could be on your knees financially. What would you risk putting not only yourself but your child in that situation?

I think it's a really good idea to write down each of your income and outgoings as they are now and what they would be if she moved in.

Hopefully seeing it in black and white would make her realise how unfair it would be.

A good partner wouldn't want their partner to be worse off because of them.

RedMarauder · 14/07/2021 12:18

@moofolk

One advantage (among many) of having a female partner is that it is easier to remain as separate, autonomous humans in the eyes of the law.

Doesn't work with the benefits system as a few have tried.....

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