What are you supposed to do?

[Julianne82xoxo]

I will try and keep this short. I am so so conflicted.

Been with DP three years. Moved in together 6 months ago, met the children (5, 7, 8) a year ago for the odd afternoon and day trip here and there building up familiarity. They are here generally EOW plus extras when mom needs help.

I don't like DP's parenting style. He's quick to get cross and annoyed with them. They spend minimal time laughing and chatting together, he's keen to have them play with the other kids on the cul desac rather than spend time with him when they're here. He does homework with them when mom prompts but if not he doesn't. Same with baths. He doesn't seem all that interested in them and seems to tolerate them instead. This I don't like, I'm worried about what this will do their self-esteem. I try talking to him about how we could do it better and he gets defensive and dismissive and annoyed with me. Am I overstepping? I am concerned and really think he/we could do better by them. Spend more time with them. I think he thinks I'm judging him but I'm not I just want the children to be happy.

That said. I have no children of my own. It's been said so many times that you don't know what it's like to have children until you do and people who don't have silly standards actual parents can't meet. I'm not their mom.

How should I handle this, or am I over going the mark and I should keep to myself?

I am so worried that the way he treats them making their lives more difficult in the long run but also don't know if it's my place. I guess this is how he and mom parent. It's so different than what I would do with my own, and i know I'm not ready yet but one day I might want children and I'm not sure I want them with him if he would treat them like this.

OP, you sound like a wise and observant woman. This man may be a great friend , wonderful companion, and terrific lover - all fine traits in a boyfriend or significant other. However, he sounds like a lousy and ineffective parent.

Obviously, he is probably not a man that you would choose to father your children. The question for you is, how long are you willing to witness his indifference and neglect of his children?
I would imagine that your own sense of the appropriate will tell you when you have reached your threshold of tolerance for his less than impressive behavior towards his kids.

You sound like a lovely stepmum. How much of his contact time does he actually spend with them in a day?

He wouldn't treat any joint children better in the long run so probably best to make sure you don't have any with him.

Someone who gets really defensive is always a red flag. It's incredibly common in seperated dad's and in my opinion, it's the kiss of death when it comes to subsequent relationships working out.

Have you spoken to him about wanting your own kids? If you are going to have children together, you need to be able to openly discuss parenting styles and get on the same page. If you haven't spoken about it, that conversation might be the place to start.

You are in a great place to decide if you want this man to be the father of your children.

Um. How much time does he spend with them when they're here. They do breakfast on their own, the cereal laid out on the kitchen island type deal. Sometimes he well I say he, I mean we, will take them out somewhere if they're getting pent up. Often the other children in the cul desac will want to see them or the children will want to see them so they will disappear off in the daytime and come back in for meals/the children come and visit here.

So the time he spends with them is usually two meals, unless there is homework to do which he does with them. But the minimum. No extra curricular or learning for fun - bird calls or presidents or langauges or music or whatever. But they usually annoy him by being loud or kicking each other or shrieking so then he sits there grumpily eating in silence until I ask them questions and the atmosphere softens a bit. I worry that because the youngest demands more attention because of his physical needs whereas the older two are self-sufficient so they get even less face time with him. I just don't think that can be good for them?? EOW is such a long time apart when you're 8. And then he just seems indifferent to them when they're here.

Do I want children with this man? I do not know. I know not yet, not for years, but I don't want to write the choice off for myself because he is not a doting parent. I'd leave him tomorrow if he had this dismissive attitude to my child. But doesn't that make me horrible for not leaving him because he doesn't it to these children? But then they aren't my children and him and mom are happy with the current way of doing things! I just don't know if I'm overstepping. But I want them to have the best chance at growing into confident, happy, funny brave adults with all the options open to them they could wish for and I don't think the way he is going about it is the way to do it.

I just do not know what to do. If I am to do anything.

Don’t have kids with him. He is not a good parent.

I must say I am saying all the bad things now. He does lots of other great things and I love him a lot. He always really overpays child maintenance, helps mom out with any unexpected bills or takes them extra when she has plans. He saves for their future. He does take them out and tries to do things with them, the outings usually go quiet and grumpy because they are loud or a bit rude to us but he does try. He just doesn't seem to enjoy them very much or think about how the way he treats them now will influence their and his future.

Do I want children with this man? I do not know. I know not yet, not for years, but I don't want to write the choice off for myself because he is not a doting parent. I'd leave him tomorrow if he had this dismissive attitude to my child. But doesn't that make me horrible for not leaving him because he doesn't it to these children? But then they aren't my children and him and mom are happy with the current way of doing things! I just don't know if I'm overstepping. But I want them to have the best chance at growing into confident, happy, funny brave adults with all the options open to them they could wish for and I don't think the way he is going about it is the way to do it.

Don't waste your time agonising over whether it makes you a bad person to not leave him over this, it isn't productive. You don't have to feel the same sense of urgency about somebody else's kids as you would about your own.

I think I would be trying to get the bottom of his feelings towards them. All but your last comment make him sound totally indifferent and like he may not even like them. Has he spoken about having regrets about having them or anything of the sort? Does he give the impression HE thinks he has a positive relationship with them? Your last comment mentions their behaviour being challenging - is this the reason for his attitude towards them or did it predate this? Given his seemingly cold attitude to them, how does he actually feel about the prospect of having more wIth yOu?

At the end of the day you don't have to bother getting to the bottom of any of this if his coldness towards them and defensiveness towards you is dire enough that you just don't want to be with him anymore, but these are the sort of questions I'd be asking if not.

This man is a bad choice for a father.
If you want dc or may want dc I would leave and start looking for a different father.

His parenting is terrible.

If you don't want dc yourself and the rest of your relationship is good I would try talking to him about his behavior.
How does he experience being a father, does he in reality enjoy it.

Parenting isn't for everyone.