I don’t know if I can do this…

[Round203]

It all feels so hard and I don’t know if I can do this any more.

I want to, I have a generally wonderful relationship with my partner, my SD accepted me immediately and always tells me she loves me but still it feels hard.

• SD (9) is very challenging. She has a poor attitude a lot of the time, was on a behaviour report at school, and whilst it is getting better she’s generally quite tricky
• He takes his frustrations on SD behaviour out on me once she has gone to bed. He used to shout at her but since talking to him partner about it it’s stopped which is good but now the pent up frustrations get aimed my way
• I feel bad for saying it, though I know other SM experience it, but I feel resentment and jealousy towards SD and how much impact she has on our relationship. We can’t do what we want when we want, she’ll often ruin days out, and my partner panders to her
• I struggle with being at home and often schedule things for when we have her. Sometimes it’s fine being here, but sometimes it’s just really bloody hard. It’s also disappointing when you have a vision of a nice day out, or a family movie night and it’s ruined so instead I’m feeling like it’s better not try as then I can’t feel let down.

I want this to work and I treat them both well, I made a huge effort for Father’s Day, I am kind and encouraging and probably more involved sometimes than her father is but I just feel like I get the short straw and I’m struggling.

I hope I can find support from people who’ve also struggled and made it through and I don’t get flamed for being a big bad stepmum. I try so hard, SD loves me, and if I really was wicked I wouldn’t be feeling this struggle.

Thanks x

Do you have any kids with him OP? If not it is still easy and probably in your best interests to get out.

Don't feel bad for any of your feelings, it's a shit deal to hand anyone no matter what anyone says.

@aSofaNearYou No we don’t have children, we’re both mid 30s and have spoken regularly about how we would like our own child down in future.
Now I just feel like I’m in a fog…
I don’t know how much of what I’m feeling is down to anxiety around SD and her mum.

You needbto end this relationship immediately. He is not the one for you, and your resentment is only going to grow. End it.

Very many red flags here, but these two are the worst:

I am kind and encouraging and probably more involved sometimes than her father

Dear god woman, why?! First rule of step parenting is to never care or invest more than the actual parent. He’s her dad, he’s responsible for her, you’re at best a bonus. If you split up tomorrow or he got hit by a bus you’d never see her again. Do not ever put more effort than the parent. It’s madness.

He takes his frustrations on SD behaviour out on me once she has gone to bed. He used to shout at her but since talking to him partner about it it’s stopped which is good but now the pent up frustrations get aimed my way

What the absolute fuck. No. He’s abusing you because he wants to. You deserve so much better than this. It’s all the kinds of wrong and you have to break up with him.

Why would you even consider having children with him?

I’m not a frequent chanter of LTB but he’s seriously bad news.

I’m a step mum. None of this is normal or acceptable.

Ah no OP, you need to end this relationship. It's got far too many hurdles to jump. There's no way you should have to tolerate being the whipping post for your partners pent up anger.

Your Partner and the child's mom need to sort any issues or concerns regarding their Daughter. You shouldn't be investing more time than them.
Yes it's difficult when you see a child struggling, and it's honourable to try and make life easier for them. That shouldn't be at the expense of your happiness though.

I can't see how you having a child will be a happy time in this relationship. There's just too many existing issues to resolve.

I'd put yourself first, and end this relationship. It's a tough job being a stepmum without these issues, so it's understandable you feel overwhelmed by all this.

Just no. Too much, too hard, will only get worse. End it and move on.

End it now . It will be much worse if you have a child yourself

He takes his frustration out on you, you feel resentment towards your DSD, where is his responsibility in all this? You deserve better.

He’s using you, op, and things will only get worse. You sound like a kind and thoughtful person, and he is abusing this. I would leave before you are completely trapped. Having a baby with him would be a serious mistake.

He takes his frustrations on SD behaviour out on me once she has gone to bed.

I really hope he is not abusing you physically or emotionally, as from what is implied here, this is a really worrying statement.

He is actively choosing to wait until his DD has gone to bed before he takes out his frustrations on you, he sounds absolutely horrendous.

If you are not married, and have no DC together, I would run like the wind if I were you. This will not get any better, and you'll end up leaving him down the line anyway, and regretting having wasted so much time on him.

Honestly, where do you think SD’s behavioural problems come from? I’m sure being shouted at by her dad has something to do with it. You’re talking about having your own children with him - would you want him shouting at your child? Would you want him shouting at you in front of your child? I honestly couldn’t be a stepmum, and it’s so fine not to want to be one.

This family lacks appropriate boundaries. SD alternating between challenging behaviour and declarations of love, DP taking out his frustrations on you? There are easier paths to choose.

If you are mid 30s and want a child then move on. If you have a child here, it will be exposed to the behaviour of them both and probably copy it too.

First your DP should not aim his frustration on you. You need to tell him to stop or it will not work!

With regards the SD- I think you need to back off. Sometimes it’s good to just let her father parent. As a step mother you’ll find you get little praise. Let them get on with it. On some weekends try to organise things for yourself family’s or friend.

I don’t think your partner is treating you right and has not paid you much attention. I think you should reevaluate your relationship with this man.

Dear Round203, relationships are never straight forward... and I can see you have made a positive impact on your SD, however unfortunately things in life go through ups and downs. Your relationship with your SD will, and your relationship with your DP will. I can't see in your thread what his relationship is like with his ex? Do you get on with her or have any contact with her?

It's difficult to write this, but if you aren't feeling strongly loved and supported and aligned with your partner I would beg you to think twice about having a baby with him. You need to be fully committed to to have a child together, or I would say the chances of you continuing to feel this conflict and sadness won't improve. It doesn't sound like he is listening to you or acknowledging the impact this is having on you, is there any way you can find the right time and way to talk about this? There is usually a little more to things than what meets the eye, and perhaps there are other behaviours which are also contributing to your feeling uneasy? Do take care of yourself!

You should leave him and find someone who doesn't already have kids, life will be simpler.

Step parenting isn't easy and best to walk away than become resentful of a child or a child / parent relationship.