Time spent on Xbox

[maximilian2]

I was hoping to get some advice! I've seen a few similar posts but not quite the same. I live with my DP and my son who is 8. DP's son who is 9 stays with us every other weekend and also 2 nights every week. He comes over for dinner ad hoc as well (this can be quite regular). DSS has always liked playing on the computer, but since Covid / lockdown his amount of time playing has massively increased.

To give an example, he stayed the weekend just gone. DP and DSS played for a couple of hours Friday evening, nearly all day Saturday (bar the odd hour here and there), and then all Sunday until he went home at around 3pm.

I have 2 issues really - one is that my DS is starting to ask why he doesn't get to play so much. I do allow him gaming time, but no more than maybe an hour or 2. He's always been fine with this but he is now starting to question.

The second issue is that I just don't agree with it. I never get involved in DP's parenting but I don't think it's right that a 9 year old is playing 6 or 7 hours a day (I know he also plays quite a lot at his Mum's house).

As DP plays with him most of the time, it also means he is 'unavailable' most of the days DSS is here and I find myself being cook/maid all day long for everyone.

Ultimately it's up to DP what he does with DSS but it's starting to cause a real issue with me so I'm not sure how to bring this up with him as he's clearly very happy with how things currently are!

I find myself being cook/maid all day long for everyone

Well firstly stop doing this right away. DP can peel himself off the Xbox if he and his son get hungry. Do not be a mug.

I'd definitely talk to him about it.

It’s shit parenting which is affecting you and your child.

I’d suggest you and DS start having brilliant days out so he gets extra quality time with you and doesn’t feel he’s missing out on staring at a screen for entire days, but you shouldn’t have to leave your own home.

Knock the cook/maid stuff on the head immediately. You’re not either of theirs mother. If DP wants food he can sort it. If they make a mess he can sort it.

I wouldn’t want to live like this. Do you?

What happens when you talk to him about it? Is he open minded and considerate or chippy and defensive?

I think you’ve posted before under a different name. If so, this one isn’t a keeper.

I think this is situation where it would be useful to distinguish between stuff that you don't agree with like the X-box hours and stuff that actually effects you directly like being a maid for them.

He is an equal partner with regards to housework/cooking when his son isn't there?

You could ask DP if he thinks it's reasonable that you have done all the cooking / housework. He may be (stupidly) oblivious to how much slack you've picked up and need it spelling out in big letters.

If he thinks it's reasonable... then what is he adding to your life right now?

Also seems a shame if he doesn't want to do anything together with you and your DS all weekend.

Your post reminded me of something my child said to my step son who asked to do something to which I had said "no." He prefaced the second request with" my friend' s mom lets him do x. "

My slightly younger child said " I know the answer to that" and he proceeded to say" you can't do it because you did not have the good fortune to be your friends mom's child. " I was amused because that is my standard answer to all of the kids when they ask why can't they do something that another kid is allowed to do. This is a message that has been drilled into my kids from the point that they were able to question why they could not do or have something that someone else had or did.

My own kids know and understand that quite well. Your child can understand that there are 2 different parents making decisions for their individual children and they are going to do what they think best for their child.

I would doubt that a child who stays glued to his computer is creating to much disorder in your home. He only spends 2 weekends and 8 nights a month in your home. His father spends 2 weekends with you and your son and 7 nights of each week with you and your son. You and your son spend far more time with the dad than his son spends with him.

If you don't wish to prepare food for his son, then just let him prepare food clean up after his soon. I would think that in most households there is enough extra food sufficient to feed 1 more child routinely prepared , but if that does not happen in your household, then assign that chore to the dad.

You cannot object to him letting his child play games; you can limit your child's game playing time. It is less than reasonable to ask him to restructure the way that he chooses to spend time with his child in order to mak tv

correction: in order to make his choice more palatable for you or your child.

I had this issue with my younger SS from the ages of about 10 to 15. He would literally game all weekend for hours. One day it was 12 full hours. I didn't agree with it, my DH thought it was fine. What ended up happening is that younger SS isolated himself and didn't really integrate with the family (which is what I said). We came to an agreement that he would be off any gaming by 3pm on a Sunday and even then he tried to stay on longer. It frustrated me no end but DH still thinks it was ok and I still think it wasn't. Different parenting and when it's not your child, that can be very hard. We've had a few issues over parenting styles tbh. Don't get me wrong, I'm fairly laid back about most things but some issues I'm a stickler for. Whereas DH is so laid back he's almost horizontal. He also doesn't like to discipline - at all. What can you do?

I find myself being cook/maid all day long for everyone. stop doing this. This way lies resentment.

Just tell your son that DSS has a different mum so you can't intervene but you want the best for your son so no.

What would you rather he did?

At 9 his dad needs to take responsibility for limiting screen time and engaging with him on other things. I’d lose respect for a parent who couldn’t be bothered to do this with a child of that age when they only see them for about a third of the year.🙁

@Nonose we pretty much have the same DSS.

It really winds me up, he wont leave his room pretty much all weekend from just gaming, dp accepts it but i cook and clean after him, comes down for food, doesn't even say please or thank you, so bloody rude. he'll happily chat away to his mates that are also gaming. He wont even go on holidays with his mum because he just wants to game but loves it because gets waited on here.

@Borisjohnsonshairbrush. How old is your SS? Is stop making lunch! The only thing I make is tea. Both boys (and my DD) make their own lunch. I would just say, there are sandwich things there - you make you own lunch. Have you spoken to your DH about the please and thank you? I still however get wound up by the fact that I cook, they come and eat, never offer to do the dishwasher (older SS will occasionally). Another thing is that despite being told countless times to please ask before taking a chocolate or something unusual from the kitchen, younger SS still helps himself. He's taken my DDs goods that she's paid for herself and recently eaten chocolates a friend sent me from SA which were put deliberately somewhere he doesn't normally go and he found them and demolished them. I can't buy them here and they cost a fortune to send over - he knew they were from SA too.

I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle as they get waited on hand and foot at their mother's and she treats them like children. My husband went to pick them up recently and they weren't allowed to lock of behind themselves - their grandma came to do it. I mean. And if I'm honest at 18 and nearly 16, I've had enough really.

Do you know what, I would tell him to make he own lunch (he's 14) but he would make such a mess and and his effort to clean is ridiculous so i end up doing it myself as crumbs everywhere and a half washed plate because he just cannot be arsed would wind me up even more, DO NOT get me wrong even my own dd is messy and wrecks the joint and she gets told to. its the ignorance I cannot stand.

And oh my gosh he cheek of him to do that, he needs to pay out of his own pocket money or lose gaming time now.

@Borisjohnsonshairbrush I think that's the thing isn't it. If it is your own child, you can say something but when it's not it's very difficult. My DD can be a pain but I can tell her. My DH doesn't like the confrontation, so won't. We had some counselling actually and although it didn't resolve things really at least he was finally about able to see things from my point of view.

Yep, to say I was fuming is an understatement. DH said SS didn't know because he hadn't had it fully explained what he could and could not have. (!?!?). He knew full well. They have to regular lunch bits in a specific cupboard and this was non regular and out of the way. There's no excuse.

Take consolation in that we are in the same boat! X

I know, It a relief to know I am not alone. x

I’d be upset that DP thinks it’s ok for the DSS. I’d imagine you’ll be the one pushing screen limits in the future and having to make the effort to do fun stuff to keep your son off them.

So cooking and clean for them

Plan some nice activities for you and your son.

There not much you can do about gaming … except ask them not to game all day in the living room

I don’t think you can change the