When did it end?

[Myal]

So after another exhausting weekend, my DSS15 has left under a cloud of his Dad feeling The Guilt despite tripping over himself babying him for the last 3 days.

This has been life for the last 7 years and I'm at the end of my tether. Theres no point talking about it it trying to come to any kind of compromise; DH has ADHD and I suspect so does DSS so I just wanted to know, when did your stepchildren start to prefer staying at their own houses and not do the EOW so often?

The tea was for all of us just before the match started.
But, what if it was just for me? Is asking for a cup of tea 'controlling' behaviour?
That's a really strange comment in my world @Imtootired, I know how much children are expected to do in their households, making a cuppa for someone is basic courtesy no?

@Myal nope I don't think your being unreasonable asking for a cup of tea. SM get slated for not treating treated as other children in the house. Then slated for not making acceptions - chores are a standard DSC or DC.

I continued spending time at my dad’s house until I left home (including university holidays).

But my parents lived very close to one another and I saw both houses as ‘home’. I’m still close to both now.

Living 4 hours away sounds like a nightmare for maintaining a good relationship. I think it’s natural that your stepson is acting out and that your DH feels guilty (even if it was the mum who moved away he likely feels bad about not equally parenting his son).

I’m not sure if you want advice or just experiences on when stepchildren stop staying over... if you do want advice, I’d suggest advising your husband to spend more 1:1 time with his son whenever he can.

Why don't you try not clearing up the flooded bathroom, the pile of clothes and all the other things you martyred yourself doing and make your own cup of tea. Then sit on your arse and enjoy it.

It's a fools game to expect others to read your mind. Be they your partner or your 15 year old step-child. And frankly calling your partner out for choosing to make a cup of tea for his mother - rather than have a stand up with his teen - is equally ridiculous.

You are an adult and have agency over your actions; but your actions only. Chose wisely.

So being out yet coming home to dishes and clutter plus dinner expectations just seems mountainous.

Thing is, if you come home and clean up and do dinner, it becomes an expectation. SS learns that this is a woman's job and thus grows into a lazy bugger..expecting this in his future relationships.

Your DH needs to show him by example that men are perfectly capable of cleaning up after themselves and you're not the maid.

Well mine stopped going at about 14 but they don't have much of a relationship with their dad as adults.

Stop doing everything. If he flooded the bathroom why wasn't he made to clean it up or his dad

Dp's dd has moved in with us!

Thank you everyone for your advice, both encouraging and critical.

I can't stop doing everything, I have a life to lead and it doesn't stop EOW. I have a full time job, a small child, am a carer for an elderly person and have a husband that has ADHD. He's inattentive except every other weekend.

I've distanced myself, been super involved, left them to it, organised weekends away with DSS, encouraged DH to see him during the week whenever he can, organised holidays, had calm chats with DH regarding his Disney parenting, begged him to consider couples counselling, told him the impact it will have on his relationship with our DD. The situation is bigger than the examples I've mentioned as I just needed to really know what others had experienced.

I didnt ask him to have a stand off with his son this weekend, I merely pointed out that my DH literally never wants his son to lift a finger when hes here and its.not.fair.

Never has there been an expectation of DSS picking up our household chores. Just that he does what any parent would expect off their 15 year old.

There have been some lovely suggestions here and I thank you all but i think it does look like I need to find ways of riding this out.

If you want things to change, you HAVE to stop doing everything OP, at least for a period of time where they will feel it. If you don't, things will stay the same.

I trained my EXDP to do the dishes by simply leaving them for a few days to demonstrate that it was only me doing them. We didn't have a dishwasher at our old house, so I was washing up and putting crockery away at least 3 times a day. EXDP seemed to think magic fairies did it between the once a week or so time that he bothered. When I stopped, it made me feel sick seeing plates piled up day after day, but I had to take a stand as he was teaching all the DC that cleaning up was women's work.

Unfortunately he was also teaching DSS the same values. The one time I asked DSS to take his plate to the sink and wash it, he cried, then told his DM when he got home, who then ranted at EXDP, then I was the villain. All because I'd asked a 10 year old to start cleaning up after himself!

@Starseeking is spot on. Sometimes you have to drop the rope so that another can pick it up. We had a similar situation funnily enough but rather lucky with DSC mum because DC did the same but angry sobbing mum sent me a text saying that next time SC plays up re chores take away her switch (on her authority 🥴) god bless that women anyway...

If begging hasn't worked and pleading hasn't worked. The only thing you can do is leave it until "sees it" although I suspect he already does !

I'm guessing that the ADHD makes quite a significant difference here too.
My DH could always be a bit prickly and defensive around his older kids and I think some of that does stem from guilt and the sense of having failed to provide their child with the home life that they wanted to.
Teens are often pretty oblivious to domestic stuff too. Their minds are elsewhere.
It's not easy to 'drop the rope' when you are busy and have other people who need you too..

Sounds to me like he gets together with someone "who has the same brain" as him & relaxes into being a big kid. It's quite hard living with organised people, if you have adhd. I don't even see mess...