When did it end?

[Myal]

So after another exhausting weekend, my DSS15 has left under a cloud of his Dad feeling The Guilt despite tripping over himself babying him for the last 3 days.

This has been life for the last 7 years and I'm at the end of my tether. Theres no point talking about it it trying to come to any kind of compromise; DH has ADHD and I suspect so does DSS so I just wanted to know, when did your stepchildren start to prefer staying at their own houses and not do the EOW so often?

Anyone?

So his guilt is his burden to work though. You can't fix this and frankly it's harmful to try. He has to want to take steps to address the guilt a therapist should be able to help. Remember this only works if he actually wants to fix the issue, not keep putting it at your door.

You sound at end of tether and all SP at some point have been there. How much support you getting from him OP ?

Some SC fly the nest early (16ish) some stay until early 20s depends on the set up.

I don't think your issue is SC, I suspect it maybe DH who has made you carry the large proportion of parenting and dealing with others emotions and your worn out

Remember his emotions/ responsibilities are not yours to take on. 💕

Some SP found a little distance can help get perspective (and I'm not only referring to DSC in this regard)

If he is only seeing his son every other weekend it is going to be hard to not feel guilty.

18 if at uni? But they will be back summer holidays

Mine are 18/15/14 and still come EOW and half holidays / random stays. No sign of it changing I think until they get relationships and are much older!

@newomums

So his guilt is his burden to work though. You can't fix this and frankly it's harmful to try. He has to want to take steps to address the guilt a therapist should be able to help. Remember this only works if he actually wants to fix the issue, not keep putting it at your door.

You sound at end of tether and all SP at some point have been there. How much support you getting from him OP ?

Some SC fly the nest early (16ish) some stay until early 20s depends on the set up.

I don't think your issue is SC, I suspect it maybe DH who has made you carry the large proportion of parenting and dealing with others emotions and your worn out

Remember his emotions/ responsibilities are not yours to take on. 💕

Some SP found a little distance can help get perspective (and I'm not only referring to DSC in this regard)

Thank you. There's a back story of course. But no, no support and yes, worn out.

The issue isn't my SS, he's been in trouble, struggles with boundaries and gets moody if he's bought to any kind of task which in turn, DH starts to overcompensate and even apologises.

Counselling was on the cards for both of us but DH is so reluctant and as you've pointed out, no point if he doesn't want change.

We have a 2 bed, small flat with a DD4.

Just looking for some kind of light at the end of the tunnel before I have a complete meltdown. Tired and kind of done.

He's able to see him whenever he likes...there are no restrictions from either side but he also lives a 4 hour round trip away.

My SC came 50:50 and on holidays until (and beyond) university..
This is always going to be a home of sorts for them. Once your DSS has his own place it might change.

SS has been seeing a girl since 13 and now they're officially 'in a relationship'.
This weekend we were talking about summer holidays and theres talk he wants to bring the gf over too.....

50/50 still he is uni in September, both houses are his home… so there’s never a thought that he wouldn’t stay… until he has his own home!

Can you try and spend more time out of the house rather than all couped up in the flat?

At 15 we didn’t force days out on DSS he spent time with his friends, stayed out. At 16 he got a job..
We did things without DSS and that was fine as he wasn’t interested, life was the same whether he was there or not.

Can you get out more with your youngest?

I do lots with DD. Weekends are pretty busy but I 'lose' DH to acting like a 15 year old as well. Think FIFA, snacks and basically both acting like they live on their own.

Can't say a thing to either without causing offense. This weekend being a prime example, after dinner DSS locked himself in bathroom to get out of being asked to do anything. When he came out, asked him to make tea and DH runs to put the kettle on. I asked him to stop as I'd ask DSS to do it and both got into a strop.

So being out yet coming home to dishes and clutter plus dinner expectations just seems mountainous.

I look forward to seeing DSS but have grown to resent these weekends.

I've even lowered my standards but that means run ragged through the week catching up on household chores and stuff that should have happened over the weekend.

Just at a loss over how to be ok with all of this. I've talked to DH to death and don't even have the strength to bring this up anymore.

It's not ok. As is often the case here, you have a DH problem.

I agree, this is a DH problem.
Hes supportive in every other aspect of our lives with the exception he has to be shown or asked (largely due to ADHD and also his upbringing) but on the whole, hes helpful and does what he can.

It's just these weekends where he's tripping over himself in case we offend my SS. In turn, he's made me feel like this is not my home, not my husband and not the life I envisioned. And not even the life I want around my DD.

As most of you probably have realised, need to vent but also needed to know when it may slow down...not necessarily stop.

@Myal

I agree, this is a DH problem. Hes supportive in every other aspect of our lives with the exception he has to be shown or asked (largely due to ADHD and also his upbringing) but on the whole, hes helpful and does what he can.

It's just these weekends where he's tripping over himself in case we offend my SS. In turn, he's made me feel like this is not my home, not my husband and not the life I envisioned. And not even the life I want around my DD.

As most of you probably have realised, need to vent but also needed to know when it may slow down...not necessarily stop.

Some SP have found detaching a helpful method of coping. I'm not great with this but other SM will be able to give some helpful advice hopefully

He sounds a bit like a Disney dad which to be honest is harmful for both SC, you and DD.

Your stepson is only with you two or three nights out of 14 and you’re asking him to make you tea? He should be putting his dishes in the sink or dishwasher and taking his clothes from the bathroom but I don’t think he’s there enough to get him to do chores. And you say you lose your husband every second weekend? Well that’s the only time he sees his child. Spend quality time with yours.

@Imtootired I don't think op is suggesting he hover the whole house . I think OP is suggesting he cleans up after himself because she's not a maid and it's a bad president to set for kids.
I don't get the making Tea suggestion (I'm not natively from UK) but I think she means tea as in the drink not teas as in food. I don't know if making tea is considered a hard labour job.

Anyway regardless it wasn't about the tea so much as in he undermined her in front of children. That's a no no no matter who they are

What's madding is this isn't about DSC problem, it's the DH going to pieces after every visit and slacking in every other arena like cleaning and leaving it to OP. Which isn't ok. Sounds like DH has a mental wobble every time DC visits which is draining OP

Yes I understand it was tea the drink but why is she trying to get him to make her tea? The fact that the dad rushed to do it makes me think that it was a little test on the boy and she wants him to be on best behaviour and remember that it’s her house, not his. If you’ve got real issues why are would you push it with petty things like that? Sounds nasty to me and if my sons dad got a partner I wouldn’t be very happy if he had to walk on eggshells and get hot drinks for people the minute they ask, one weekend out of two weeks!
Also saying you’re cleaning for the rest of the week. Come on.

@Imtootired

Yes I understand it was tea the drink but why is she trying to get him to make her tea? The fact that the dad rushed to do it makes me think that it was a little test on the boy and she wants him to be on best behaviour and remember that it’s her house, not his. If you’ve got real issues why are would you push it with petty things like that? Sounds nasty to me and if my sons dad got a partner I wouldn’t be very happy if he had to walk on eggshells and get hot drinks for people the minute they ask, one weekend out of two weeks! Also saying you’re cleaning for the rest of the week. Come on.

Do you not have guests in your house who make hot drinks for you when asked?

He is part of tne family. Family members clean and help each other out. It goes both ways. If they are Family and included in good Family stuff, they also need to be included in the rubbish Family stuff. It can't be both.

What's worrying is that your other child will quickly learn they are second best to their sibling. Have you pointed this out to DH?

One of my kids had a part-time job on Saturdays so stopped going overnight at age 17. She sees ex on a Sunday sometimes.

@imtootired, making a cup of tea. As in put the kettle on and make a cuppa for your nan who was also visiting and for me after I cleaned the bathroom that you flooded, made your favourite dinner, washed your clothes and picked up the debris of dishes you and your dad left whilst I took the 4 year old, intending to spend said quality time with her.
I was waiting for flaming as is the norm here but to accuse me of not spending quality time with either of the children is unwarranted.

I know people think step parents always get a hard time on here but I’ve seen a lot of posts by step parents who seem kind and want to work out any issues. This poster is basically asking when her husbands child will be out of the picture. I’m sure it would be annoying to have mess in your house and it to be different for a bit but that is the only time that boy sees one parent. She just needs to ask that they tidy up after themselves, not that they do everything that she would like. The husband doesn’t turn into a teenager on the weekend, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he’s bonding with his son doing what teenagers these days enjoy doing. And if there is already a strained relationship it is playing a game to ask him to do personal chores and favours for her.

@Imtootired

I know people think step parents always get a hard time on here but I’ve seen a lot of posts by step parents who seem kind and want to work out any issues. This poster is basically asking when her husbands child will be out of the picture. I’m sure it would be annoying to have mess in your house and it to be different for a bit but that is the only time that boy sees one parent. She just needs to ask that they tidy up after themselves, not that they do everything that she would like. The husband doesn’t turn into a teenager on the weekend, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he’s bonding with his son doing what teenagers these days enjoy doing. And if there is already a strained relationship it is playing a game to ask him to do personal chores and favours for her.

Huh? Are we reading the same thread?

My DS stopped going EOW last year. I think Covid stopped it in its tracks really, he missed a couple of weekends then in between lockdowns he wanted to take advantage of seeing friends etc. So now he goes when he wants - 3 hour round trip, sees him probably every 4-6 weeks as now often works weekends. Has never seen more than EOW so not the best relationship anyway

Making a cup of tea won't make anyone's arms drop off
Neither would tidying up after themselves.
I'm guessing a little more basic courtesy and not being treated like staff might make the OP a bit less inclined to be counting the months before he leaves home...
That's the give and take of all families not just blended ones.

Maybe I’m getting the wrong impression if the tea was for the grandmother too, it just stood out to me as a bit controlling. I’m happy to be wrong.