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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stepfather has checked out

19 replies

GinaStan · 02/07/2021 18:01

Hi, I'm looking for advice. I have two young kids under 10. Divorced their dad but still live close so we split them 50:50. All civil and no problems. I married my second husband two years ago and he is one of the best humans around. Generous, kind, gentle, solvent etc.

He's been great with my kids on the whole. A bit snappier with my boy than my girl, but I'm managing that.

In recent months though, he's been prone to either depression/moodiness or something else. He sits on the sofa a lot. He's absolutely fine in the weeks that my kids are with their dad, but gets steadily grumpier as 'our' week approaches. Kids came yesterday and I decided to ask him what was up as he was just in a grump. His answer 'I'm just getting used to the kids again'. He won't engage with them. Our cat died and I had to break it to them. They cried of course. His response? Just stare at the TV. He's never mean, just checked out. I do all the work as there my kids and he's raised 3 of his own. So it's not like he has any extra responsibilities. I keep them mainly in a different room so they don't annoy him. They are great kids, not at all bratty. They Don deserve this. I love him and he says he loves us. Is his behaviour acceptable in any way? If I bring it up he just grumps. I cannot afford to move out and wouldn't want to. Unless I felt it was affecting them, but I pretend everything is happy and great so they are protected. What would you do? He provides for us financially in every way. Pays for their private school etc. I just don't know what to do. Please help! Thank you

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 02/07/2021 18:09

I don't think I could expect the children to share their home with him. It all sounds a bit miserable tbh. Basically he's fine when they're not around but grumpy when they're home. It sounds like you moved in with him - so it was never their home and never will be. Can't you afford to rent a place for you and the children? Then have your time with them somewhere that you can all relax?

Original poster

GinaStan · 02/07/2021 18:10

@converseandjeans

Thank you so much for replying. I feel a teeny bit less alone. I'm going to have to consider that. Thanks friend x

OP posts:

Magicstars · 02/07/2021 18:16

He does sound difficult. Have you been honest about how you feel about his moods & lack of engagement with your dc?
Surely they are picking up on it if he finds them annoying.
What’s the situation with his bio dc?

TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER · 02/07/2021 18:18

Oh that sounds really hard. And I don’t mean this in a bad way, but no matter how happy you pretend to be the kids will absolutely pick up on his mood and lack of interaction with them.
Has anything changed for him to become like this? Has it always been this way or is it new? How old are his 3?

Original poster

GinaStan · 02/07/2021 18:18

Good question. He pretty much ignores them. But loves them! It's all so confusing. Just having had this conversation today, I've realised he needs professional help. I can't sort him out by myself. Thanks so much lovely people x

OP posts:

Szyz2020 · 02/07/2021 18:19

What a sad situation. Do you think he feels taken for granted paying for everything including private school? What does your ex H contribute to that?

You need an honest conversation with your DH about how he really feels about your children and what his ideal would be.

If his ideal is not seeing your kids so much then that’s a deal breaker. If his ideal is not spending money on their education (perhaps he is in financial trouble or he feels they or you are not grateful) then you can put them in state school and work on things.

But you can’t stay with someone who resents your children in your and their home and who won’t engage with them and can’t cope with them coming to stay as is their right.

Szyz2020 · 02/07/2021 18:20

And you need to sort this fast. You can’t keep them in another room so they don’t annoy him!!

Original poster

GinaStan · 02/07/2021 18:20

Omg you're all right. I need to talk to him. Thank you so much all of you for taking the time to write ❤

OP posts:

SeeYouInFive · 02/07/2021 18:21

What changed to make him start being grumpy.

I’m surprised to read that you have an amicable 50:50 parenting arrangement with your ex, yet your husband pays all the private school fees. How did that come about?

Mayaspecialist · 02/07/2021 18:22

I think he has raised his kids and he underestimated how busy a house with 2 under 10s could be.

In all honesty, my youngest is 10 and I don't think I would be happy with more young kids the household.

Its hard to say if he knew this before he married you and just thought it would be ok. Or if this has taken him completely by surprise too.

But either way, I wouldn't want my kids growing up in that environment. They will have noticed. They will notice he isn't engaged or care about them.

And they will wonder why you stated with a man that made them feel so unwelcome in their own home.

I am so sorry this has happened to.

Original poster

GinaStan · 02/07/2021 18:24

@seeyouinfive My ex refused to pay for private school. And the government schools here are bad. Children get hit by the teachers. I live in the Caribbean.

OP posts:

PieceOfString · 02/07/2021 18:25

It is a weird way to grow up where there is an unspoken rule that they keep their distance from their mum's DH in their own home (but it's not). I daresay they are used to it and you protect them but it is still going to give them an odd view of what the haven of home means.
Are there worse problems? yes. Is it what you'd wish for them all things being equal? no.
I think as a significant adult in their life he should at least be able to convey the root cause of this in order to see if there is a way to resolve it.
Maybe he's just 'done' with kids and can't bring himself to engage, having them around is the price he pays for being with you. Whether that's acceptable to you is your choice.

BrilliantBetty · 02/07/2021 18:29

What do you mean when you say he loves them? If he is indifferent to them / checked out I'm not sure how that equates to loving them.

How long has it been this way? And how long has he had depression? Is he on medication/ treatment

SeeYouInFive · 02/07/2021 18:34

Oh I see. Didn’t realise you weren’t U.K.

I’m on no way defending him being mean to your kids - that’s not on in any circumstances. But as a step parent myself I can sort of empathise with his position.

My DH’s ex decided last year to take a job which meant DSC needed to live with us full time. DH also has a really demanding job, so because I WFH all the childcare has fallen to me. I’ll be honest, it makes me feel pretty mugged off. My children are in wrap around childcare so I can work, but DSC still finish school at normal time and come straight home so it’s like ‘what’s the point of even trying to work?’ It probably does affect my mood in the house sometimes.

I’m just saying that before you demonise him as a step child-hating monster, have a look at the big picture of your situation and make sure you and your ex aren’t taking the piss out of his generosity*

*I realise I am massively looking at this from my own position so my advice will be very biased!!

FawnFrenchieMum · 02/07/2021 18:38

Has he seen anyone about his moods? It may not be directly aimed at the children, when I’m feeling down I ‘zone out’ as my coping mechanism. At the time I don’t even realise I’m doing it until I’m feeling a little better.
It may not be the actual children making him feel like that, just the added stress of having extra people, noise, stress in the house.

Tiredoftattler · 02/07/2021 18:59

OP, you describe this as happening in recent months. Could it be some problem in his work or business? It seems as though he has assumed some significant financial responsibility for all of you. It could possibly be that , if something has or is happening at work or in his employment sector. He my be feeling the impact and concern that comes with being responsible for so many people particularly if he sees this as an obligation that he will be facing for some time.

It could also be that having raised his own kids, he may be at place in his life where he expected to be beyond all of this.

It may be none of these things, but if or until he is willing to share you will not know. Is it not possible that your children's father could not assume or share the cost of their education? Could you possibly assume more of the cost? Even if his concerns are not financial, it would still be a way of lessening his financial burden.

It is also possible that he should see a physician to rule out possible medical issues. It is also possible that he has just realized that he prefers his home to be his quiet place.

You married a husband. You did not marry a secondary father for your children. He may have wanted to be a husband and has realized that a great deal of what should be the responsibility of the actual parents has been passed on to him.
Counseling might also be helpful; it could provide a safe place for the both of you to articulate your feelings and expectations of this marriage.
You both sound like good people , it just maybe that life as it has unfolded brought more expectations than either of you expected. A man who is old enough to have grown children may not have realized how taxing it might be to step back into young child mode. Friends of his age may be well beyond that stage.

Try to get some professional help in unwrapping exactly what is happening.

SandyY2K · 02/07/2021 19:10

Is he quite a not older than you? Ot could be he's getting old to have patience for young kids and just tolerates them to be with you.

The problem is that your financially dependent on him, so you are kind of stuck. I don't know if you ever intend to be in a position to provide for yourself, because if not, you'll always have to put up with this kind of thing.

I suggest you create positive memories and fun times with you and your kids and leave your SD out of it, if he doesn't want to be involved.

Keeping them away from him just sounds like something abused women do, when they're walking on eggshells...they try to keep the kids away from it.

Rtmhwales · 02/07/2021 19:22

I love my step kids but massively dread the week they are here ((also 50/50). You say they're not bratty but I've never found parents really aware of their own children's behavior (in the same way I'm sure my DS is fairly annoying to others but my hormones tell me he's just wild and cute). Or he may just find normal kid behavior exhausting to be around.

If you can't afford to leave/won't consider it I'm not sure what else you can do..? He's paying the bills and giving them a nice education and you say he isn't unkind to them.

Original poster

GinaStan · 03/07/2021 16:02

Hey everyone who replied! I just wanted to say you all really helped. Genuinely. We got chatting in the evening and I ended up sharing your thoughts with him. And they were all pretty balanced and spot on. It helped us find the right words to use. We're back on track! I honestly hear bad things about Mumsnet so I was worried about mean comments. You all rock. Come on England!!! 🎯

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