Bath time

[Cillia0]

Hi all,

This is more of a parenting query rather than a SP query but it relates to my SD so here we go. I have no children of my own so have no experience of child developmental timings.

SD is 8 years old now and is still bathed by my DP, not that I have a problem with this but I've been wondering; at what point should children be able to do this for themselves? And is it still appropriate for DP to do this for her? SD is growing up quickly and there are a lot of things that she does quite easily herself at her mothers house (she tells us) but DP insists on doing them for her here.

All the other things, fine. But the bathing .... her body is going to start changing soon and I just wonder when is an appropriate time for her to do this without DP?

I have an 8 yr old DD. Single parent. She either has her own shower or hops into the shower when I'm there. She can wash her body and her hair on her own. If she wants a bath she can be in it alone but I usually come and help her scrub. She also likes having baths together.

I've noticed in the last few months she prefers to wash herself eg private parts and armpits etc so I think that is her growing up. When she is at her dad's I assume it's the same thing ie might need help with the odd thing but can generally do it alone.

So what I'm saying is your SD should be able to wash alone but she might also like her dad helping a bit. I think he has to follow her lead, she will tell him when she wants to take her own showers etc.

At 8 she should be able to do everything for herself. I wouldn't say that what he is doing is inappropriate , but I would say that it is totally unnecessary. If she needs long hair washed, maybe that would still be OK, but otherwise she should be getting on with things herself. Your DP needs to step back and stop "insisting" on doing this for her. She's a big girl now and he should accept that.

I'd think 8 is old enough. She might need help with her hair. DP needs to stop insisting and listen to what his daughter wants.

My DSD8 has been confidently taking care of herself for a year. We help with hair washing sometimes but not routinely. She loves being independent but is not at all seeking privacy - in fact she often likes a bit of company when she takes a bath.
I’m not sure that the fact that her body is going to start to change is fully relevant- that’s applying British level of feelings about nudity - in many other countries families are comfortable with nakedness. But I do agree that it’s time for DSD to be left to get on with looking after herself.

I don't think he should be insisting at this age, unless she's getting out the bath or shower with hair still full of shampoo. She may soon feel uncomfortable if she does these things independently at her mums.

DDs started saying they didn't need or want daddy there when they shower any more when they were about 7. They don't mind if he's walking around eg doing laundry or something but they days of having to watch them in the bath were long gone by then. Sometimes I shove them back in the shower so I can rinse their long hair out properly when they have missed a bit. It wasn't about privacy but independence.

IME (as a parent) the child will tell you when they want independence / privacy. I would say that by the age of 8/9 my children were showering / bathing/ changing privately. Nothing I said, I was lead by them basically saying ‘I can do xyz’ and closing the door.

My only slight red flag in your situation is when you say your DP ‘insists’ on doing certain things for her. What are those certain things? And is he giving her space (and listening) if/ when she says ‘I want to do this myself’.

That’s more of a potential red flag than anything else. It’s very important for children to have independence and responsibility and for that to be encouraged as they get older. It’s critical to helping children develop skills and confidence. Vs babying them/ waiting on them hand and foot (which is a disaster waiting to happen as they grow into teen/ pre-teen).

Well mines 10 and still needs me to bath her but she’s autistic so🤷‍♀️ Why does it bother you?

Your step daughter will soon say that she wants more privacy in the bathroom. Looking back, mine were 8/9 when they stopped wanting mum around all the time, having a splash in the bath etc and I think I was about that age too.

These changes happen naturally, be led by her.

Mine are adults and it hasn’t happened yet. Obviously we don’t bath them etc but not one kid here shuts a door when in shower or on loo. Some do the nudie walk from bathroom to bedroom to get dressed, others cover with a towel. I’ll be in the shower and someone will generally walk in to see if I’ve seen x or where have I put y. I’ve given up. We always showered, went to loo and to bed with door open but that was only because as toddlers ours would bang incessantly on a closed door and carry on and scream so it was just easier. We assumed as they grew up they would want to shut the doors at some stage but not one did. Can’t see it starting now for any of them.

As for washing them, we wouldn’t have been doing this at 8yo but probably would have still been there and directing, as in reminding them to use soap, reminding them to do all over etc. We washed hair for longer though, prob stopping around 10yo for that for most but I recall one was closer to 12yo and we really had to put our foot down and make them do it themselves at that point as no way were we washing the hair of someone starting high school.

@sassbott

IME (as a parent) the child will tell you when they want independence / privacy. I would say that by the age of 8/9 my children were showering / bathing/ changing privately. Nothing I said, I was lead by them basically saying ‘I can do xyz’ and closing the door.

My only slight red flag in your situation is when you say your DP ‘insists’ on doing certain things for her. What are those certain things? And is he giving her space (and listening) if/ when she says ‘I want to do this myself’.

That’s more of a potential red flag than anything else. It’s very important for children to have independence and responsibility and for that to be encouraged as they get older. It’s critical to helping children develop skills and confidence. Vs babying them/ waiting on them hand and foot (which is a disaster waiting to happen as they grow into teen/ pre-teen).

Perhaps 'insist' was too strong a word. I meant that he will continue to do things even though SD has mentioned previously that she does them by herself at home. I don't think it's forceful, I think he enjoys doing it for her and she probably enjoys him doing it as well.

The parenting is down to DP, I don't get involved at all with that but if he asks for my opinion I will give it to him (for what it's worth).

I'm not even sure why I asked the question tbh, it doesn't annoy me, I just thought maybe she's getting a little too old to be getting washed by her dad? Maybe I thought it was a bit weird? But again, not having kids, I don't know what the norm is.

Our 8 year old has one of us wash her hair as she never gets the suds out but mainly bathes independently.

Ah ok.

My exDP enjoyed doing things for his children. Including wiping toilets they had left filthy (vs gently calling them back in to explain that they really should not leave toilets covered in excrement). Or asking them to clear up their toys after playing. Or asking them to help clear/ set the table.

I agree with you, how people parent their children is up to them. But depending on how much he enjoys doing this stuff, he will be making a rod for his own back. Because children don’t suddenly wake up one day and say ‘you know what? I’m going to make sure the toilet is left clean’. Or ‘I must make my bed’ or ‘I should clear my toys away when I’ve finished’. They get older and expect the laundry/ food/ cleaning fairy (maid) to magically clean behind them.

Tons of threads on here full of behaviour exactly like that. So I’d worry less about him bathing her and more about the wider ‘responsibilities’ and whether he’s actually instilling skills that are important. If I was her mum and trying to teach this independence and my ex was doing the polar opposite? I’d be really annoyed.

I don't think it's inappropriate if they're both happy with it. It'll depend on DD so as long as she's comfortable with her dad doing it she'll let him know when she's not.
I think the key here is to make sure she knows she can tell him when she doesn't want him to see her in the bath any more and that he respects that. Maybe he could even ask her "do you still want me to come into the room and give you a hand or do you want some privacy?"

I have a 7 year old DD and she's perfectly capable of washing her own body but I still rinse her hair otherwise there's still loads of shampoo left.

One day she's saying she's covering her private's with a cloth and telling me not to come in the room til she's covered up. Other days she shouts on me to give her a hand or even to sit on the edge of the bath for a play/carry on.

She seems at an in between stage where some bath times she's quite grown up and other times she wants me to play with barbies with her in the bath and pretend their mermaids.

I don't have a problem with either and follow her lead. I would think the same if it was my exH (her dad)

That’s good to know @parkerpop. I think she’s definitely getting to the age where some independence is needed. Maybe Next time I’ll just suggest to DP that he could ask her whether she’s happy to do it herself. I think because he only has EOWE contact (due to distance) he probably doesn’t see how much she can do for herself these days.

Its normal because she doesnt see him as often. Shes 8. His lil one still insists on dressing her. Which i had to have a word he wasnt teaching her anything. She dresses herself now he just helps with socks 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 bath time is normally me doing hair she does her body. He would ask me to do it. But other than that he gets the message. I think ur dp just probly wants to do it because he misses out on the time he sees her. We have his lil one every weekend

My DH and his family seemed to miss that DSD had grown up enough to do these things but my DSD liked someone to sit and keep her company while she was in the bath until she was about 9/10; we started checking with her how she wanted to bath and then at a certain point she started saying she was fine on her own and closing the door