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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSS really annoys me

19 replies

Roght · 29/06/2021 11:36

I know people will probably flame me but I need a rant.

My SS is so irritating and I'm really struggling to like him.

He is 9, I have always found him the more difficult of the two but even more so the past year or so. His parents have also struggled with him as well over the years.

I can't pin point exactly what it is but there are various things that just make me do the biggest internal eye roll.

He is so fussy with eating. He doesn't like ANYTHING. I know this is a common issue with kids but I can't help but find it really annoying. Every single thing he moans about eating. I'm sick of cooking for him to be honest. Its an utter waste every time because he'll just pick at it and leave the majority. You'll think you've found something he likes and then the next day he doesn't. I'm sick of wasting food and time on it.

He can be rude too and just has no awareness of anything. I can be trying to get the baby to sleep which he'll know and he'll still run in and ask something really loud or make a stupid noise.

He also whinges about everything. If he doesn't get his own way, if his sibling (other DSC) even breathes near him ect... it'll be tears and tantrums and high pitched whining.

He is also always ill if he doesn't want to do something.

My DH and his mum are problems too because they baby him an awful lot. All he has to do is say he has a bit of a headache and it's falling over themselves to fuss over him like I've never seen.

There are other things obviously but I can't write them all here.

I have tried, I really have. And I know he likes me and feels comfortable around me but I am struggling. I honestly can't bear to be in the same room as him sometimes.

OP posts:

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PurpleyBlue · 29/06/2021 11:39

Stop cooking when he is there his dad can cook. That will help with the food thing. But he is 9 so I think a lot of it you just have to put up with.

PurpleyBlue · 29/06/2021 11:40

Are you making sure you get time apart when he is here? If I was cooped up all day with my own family I'd get a bit frazzled so I make sure I get out by myself for a quick walk around the block.

Original poster

Roght · 29/06/2021 11:47

@PurpleyBlue

Are you making sure you get time apart when he is here? If I was cooped up all day with my own family I'd get a bit frazzled so I make sure I get out by myself for a quick walk around the block.

Yes but it doesn't seem to help. I'd be quite happy to be out the entire time he's here if I could.

I went and stayed with a friend the other week for her birthday and it just so happened that it fell when he was here and I was so glad that I'd missed the contact time for that week.

I know he's young and it's probably just normal behaviour. It doesn't help that his siblings were so different at that age, much more mature and easier to deal with.

OP posts:

Original poster

Roght · 29/06/2021 11:48

@PurpleyBlue

Stop cooking when he is there his dad can cook. That will help with the food thing. But he is 9 so I think a lot of it you just have to put up with.

It doesn't really make it any less annoying I've found. It still makes me internally mad when I hear the 'I don't like it' at the table or when I see it getting scraped into the bin... Again.

OP posts:

lardylegs123 · 29/06/2021 11:48

Could he be ASD?

aSofaNearYou · 29/06/2021 11:50

Well the most important thing is to let go of the idea that it isn't ok to find him irritating. He sounds very similar to my DSS, I get it. The difference is me and my DP are on the same page.

Sometimes certain children ARE irritating and their parents need to be able to come to terms with that in terms of how other people will feel about spending time with them. You should be able to admit that you find being around him really difficult and often irritating, and your DP needs to take on the bulk of care for him, especially common triggers for his poor behaviour, like food.

If your DP is the type to get really defensive and you feel you cannot be open with him about this, then I would question the relationship generally tbh as that's the kiss of death to a happy life as a step parent.

pinkgin85 · 29/06/2021 12:04

He sounds a lot like my 6 year old who has sensory processing issues as well as ADHD

aSofaNearYou · 29/06/2021 12:05

It doesn't really make it any less annoying I've found. It still makes me internally mad when I hear the 'I don't like it' at the table or when I see it getting scraped into the bin... Again.

Haha I'm relating so much to what you're saying. I used to feel very much the same, I found it SO irritating to even witness. I had to consciously force myself to stop caring about it, I was wasting so much time on that frustration when in reality it doesn't really need to matter to me at all, his eating doesn't affect me. I literally just don't watch when it comes up now, I go in a different room and do something else while DP deals with it.

Fortunately I know he won't just give him pudding/crisps instead, so if it goes in the bin then he doesn't get his way. I really sympathise with you if your DP is a panderer because I have to admit I'm still seething inside every time we visit the ILs and they are constantly pandering to and even preempting this behaviour, despite years of DP and myself asking them not to and saying we are trying to tackle the behaviour and they are setting us back.

PurpleyBlue · 29/06/2021 12:08

I had to consciously force myself to stop caring about it, I was wasting so much time on that frustration when in reality it doesn't really need to matter to me at all, his eating doesn't affect me. I had a similar thing but with table manners. I had to really work on not caring how they ate. It's hard as part of me does care but its not my role so I just have to ignore it and let them slurp away.

IAmDaveTheSerialShagger · 29/06/2021 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

aSofaNearYou · 29/06/2021 12:12

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger

My 9 year old has Sensory Processing Disorder and has an eating disorder because of it. I hope your partner dumps you, the poor child having someone like you in his life.

Jesus. Your poor child having someone like you in their life.

IAmDaveTheSerialShagger · 29/06/2021 12:14

@aSofaNearYou thought you would start, you always do.

aSofaNearYou · 29/06/2021 12:16

[quote IAmDaveTheSerialShagger]@aSofaNearYou thought you would start, you always do.[/quote]
Start talking to someone rationally whilst you come on behaving like a nasty troll?

ittakes2 · 29/06/2021 12:21

I also agree it sounds like sensory processing issues. Google primitive reflexes not going dormant (lots on mumsnet about it) and see if that applies to him as there are things which can help him and therefore the family.

KylieKoKo · 29/06/2021 12:26

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger

My 9 year old has Sensory Processing Disorder and has an eating disorder because of it. I hope your partner dumps you, the poor child having someone like you in his life.

So helpful for the op. Thanks for stopping by.

@Roght you need to stop cooking for him immediately. You doing so and him constantly rejecting it will just breed resentment and it's not necessary his dad can do it.

I would also recommend detaching from bad behaviour unless it directly impacts you. If his parents want to fuss over him it's up to them but its also up to them to deal with any fallout from this behaviour.

How does your partner react when you talk to him about it?

Blendiful · 29/06/2021 12:53

I get how you feel too. It’s hard but generally I don’t like other people’s kids that much, unless they are exceptionally nice 🤷🏼‍♀️ Same goes for my step kids.

Both me and DP find each others kids annoying and irritating at times. I know DP finds lots that my DC does annoying so I purposely do most of the parenting and anything else for him. He cares for him, does a lot for him and is nice to him and DC cares for DP too, but he can be irritating to other people I get that.

Same for DPs DC he does most of the caring/playing with his child, as I generally find him quite irritating. They talk constantly and ask for stuff all the time that I don’t agree with. They play up quite a lot being mardy and not doing as they are asked.

I had started doing some bits, taking them out, collecting from childcare etc to help out, but I had to tell DP I wasn’t doing it on my own anymore. DC wasn’t listening to me, running away, not walking safely, wouldn’t leave when asked etc. I have vast experience with kids both my own and career wise, so it wasn’t me not dealing with it. But I was limited as ultimately DSC isn’t mine and I wasn’t willing to drag them by the hand/pick them up to physically move them etc like I would my own. And also, I don’t need to, it isn’t my job to deal with that behaviour and entertain them, so I said I will do things with DP but not on my own until their behaviour is better.

DSCs mum lets them do as they please with no discipline which is why they are like this. DP is stricter but still can be soft on some things for an easy life. So unless they can sort that I’m not dealing with the effects of it. My kids aren’t perfect but I know they never played up for anyone else (friends, grandparents, school etc).

funinthesun19 · 29/06/2021 12:56

He also sounds like my 10 year old DS. He has Autism and his behaviour can be challenging at times. Thankfully food isn’t too much of a problem.

If he had a stepmum who struggled with his behaviour to the extent that it made her really fed up, then honestly… I would understand. It really isn’t easy.
It’s not easy sometimes for me as his mum, lord knows how it would be for a stepmum. I love my DS no matter what and he means the absolute world to me, but I do feel so hopeless at times. Stepmums don’t this love to guide them through the challenging bits.

We all think the world of our children, but we need to accept that not everyone (including stepparents) feel the same.

FishyFriday · 29/06/2021 14:41

Maybe we should not be trying to diagnose SN by vaguely familiar internet anecdote.

Unless we're told otherwise, it's reasonable to assume that he may well just be an irritating, fussy 9 year old whose divorced parents baby him. There are lots of them around. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree with those who've said to stop cooking for him. It's his dad's job - especially if his parenting is causing or exacerbating the issues. You will feel much less irritated by the fussy eating and complaining if you just walk away from that and leave his dad to it.

And give yourself permission to find his behaviour - and his parents' choices in relation to it - irritating. It sounds extremely irritating. Then think about what you want to do when you feel irritated by it. Recognising the irritations and flash points in a step family and deciding how to navigate around them, rather than through them, is often the best way for everyone.

You could find something else to be doing (for yourself) at times you can anticipate as being irritating during contact. Make sure it is something for you, otherwise you might feel resentful that you have to do Y because of X, rather than that you'll just choose to time Y to coincide with X.

If you can detach a bit more from it all, you might find that you are better able to see past the irritating behaviours. Even if you can't, you can feel better because you are not doing loads of work and then putting up with irritating behaviour.

StarryNight468 · 29/06/2021 16:02

Maybe we should not be trying to diagnose SN by vaguely familiar internet anecdote

Please please lets stop Internet diagnosing results of poor parenting. My dh does this in reality - he thinks dss may have autism because he's on his switch all day and makes a fuss about eating anything other then nuggets and chips but gets sweets after his meal time performances.. yeah no correlation between parenting equalling behaviour. Behaviour is communication, good and bad, autism diagnosis are not the first point of examination in children who display control challenges, especially with separated parents.

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