Moving in together

[3bears80]

I have two boys (5 and 12) me and my partner have been together for 13 months and we took the plunge and moved in together 2-3 weeks ago, we stayed at his/he stayed at mine 4+ times a week anyway, and we played it so that the boys didn’t just move straight in, we slowly moved in.

But we are having some teething problems, and I just wanted to hear others experiences of moving in with a partner (he has two children but they are 18 and 23 and don’t live with him), it’s his first time being a step parent, Ive been on my own for 4 years after leaving my ex husband after his copious amounts of affairs, just really would like experiences so we can iron out the issues,

You've got to get on the same page and stay on the same page. Choose a couple of non negotiable 'house rules' each and compromise on the rest.

Although that depends on what your teething problems are.

Can you say what the teething problems are?
Did you move into his place or vice versa?

I was a step parent who moved in, and one issue we had was the already resident DP and SDC had got used to not having to consider a 2nd adult. DP assumed I would be changing my routines and expectations to fit him and his DC while they did exactly as they pleased. Basically, I moved into their "territory" and was expected to stomach things like being kicked out of my own bedroom so him and his kids could play fight on our bed. Or them taking my belongings without asking. I wish we had talked a lot more about expectations and boundaries. If you're having issues now I'd say have a proper sit down talk with no blame on the table and agree on a united front.

But he is not a step parent as in you are not married?
I would say you have moved everything too quickly even if it does not seem like it to you. It sounds as if your children have actually had a lot of upheaval. This is why when I divorced I would not consider any relationship as I felt my children had had enough upheaval already.

@crimsonlake well that’s helpful

I tikk in no maybe you should have moved slower.

I think all step families have teething problems. We had loads but we’re still together 21 years later.

But we are having some teething problems
What do you mean by this? You have a thirty minute difference on what you both consider bedtime? Or he yells at your kids? Or what?

Ignore @crimsonlake unhelpful comments like that are why this section of mumsnet has such a bad reputation

Can you give examples of teething problems so we can help

Sorry I should have been clearer, he has fab with the kids, I have no issues there, i wouldn’t have moved in with him if there was even an inkling of that.
It’s mainly me and him have started arguing, over nothing really, like he is quite set in his ways and imma little more “wing it” I suffer with my mental health at times, so I think it’s that, but came on here to ask for experiences and I guess reassurance that this can be “normal”

@crimsonlake semantics, really not that helpful.

Speaking from personal experience combing two families and being a step parent is absolutely hands down the hardest thing in the world. Not contest. You'll need lots and lots of conversations, non judgemental expressions of how you're feeling, how you expected to feel
And what's actually happening. From what you have said the issues don't seem to be around parenting or the kids, rather with your approaches to other things and you mental health as you perceive being a point of contention?

Sounds normal. I am more of a 'planner' and my partner is 'wing it'. This can be a great combo, but we did drive each other up the wall when we first moved in together. He'd feel restricted; and I would feel like he didn't consider my needs before making ad hoc decisions for him and his DC.

Some honest conversations will be needed at a time when things are calm. "I" statements rather than "you" statements etc.

Thanks so much for your comments, it really has helped, I’m always one that like to hear experiences, and I really appreciate it

Have you moved into his place? Or have you got somewhere new to both of you?

It’s mainly me and him have started arguing, over nothing really, like he is quite set in his ways and imma little more “wing it” I suffer with my mental health at times, so I think it’s that
Again, can you be more specific? Did you move in with him? Him with you? Or a completely new house together?

Somewhere new, so it’s a new fresh house for us all

Sounds fairly normal, we found it hard.

We’re quite different with certain things, hes very houseproud and I’m not, so that took a bit of getting used to before we both settled into a routine that worked for both of us. Even things like I get up really early, where as he sleeps in, when he first moved in he was going to bed with me and getting up at the same time. It was a bit of an awkward phase where he wasn’t a guest, but obviously to him it didn’t feel like home so he was still figuring out how to act, was going to bed rude etc (of course not!).

My son wasn’t an issue, but that was a huge change for my husband. My son has some additional needs, so his routine etc really can’t be significantly changed, but he also felt a bit weird about what his role was. His role of course isn’t to parent, but for a while he didn’t have the confidence to step in if I was in another room and would instead come and fetch me. He also quickly learned “Daddy lets me” is a phrase never to be trusted!

We both found the first 6-8 weeks really hard, and we were both a bit impatient or snappy with each other at times. It really took about four montha for us all the be completely settled together in our new routines etc. Little things helped make him feel at home as well, I was doing the en-suite up and he chose everything, I made sure I wasn’t the one leading the decisions on our home, and even the little things like the weekly shop etc, it was important he knew that not only was he included but he also had an equal say to me.

he is quite set in his ways and imma little more “wing it”
What are the arguments about? Can you give a example?

I agree with @crimsonlake although I know it's not helpful at this point. But a year together? Over lockdown? And you're arguing already?

I'd be looking to see that I had a route to be able to house my children independently should I need to

@SimonJT

Sounds fairly normal, we found it hard.

We’re quite different with certain things, hes very houseproud and I’m not, so that took a bit of getting used to before we both settled into a routine that worked for both of us. Even things like I get up really early, where as he sleeps in, when he first moved in he was going to bed with me and getting up at the same time. It was a bit of an awkward phase where he wasn’t a guest, but obviously to him it didn’t feel like home so he was still figuring out how to act, was going to bed rude etc (of course not!).

My son wasn’t an issue, but that was a huge change for my husband. My son has some additional needs, so his routine etc really can’t be significantly changed, but he also felt a bit weird about what his role was. His role of course isn’t to parent, but for a while he didn’t have the confidence to step in if I was in another room and would instead come and fetch me. He also quickly learned “Daddy lets me” is a phrase never to be trusted!

We both found the first 6-8 weeks really hard, and we were both a bit impatient or snappy with each other at times. It really took about four montha for us all the be completely settled together in our new routines etc. Little things helped make him feel at home as well, I was doing the en-suite up and he chose everything, I made sure I wasn’t the one leading the decisions on our home, and even the little things like the weekly shop etc, it was important he knew that not only was he included but he also had an equal say to me.

That’s really insightful, thanks for that, it’s new for us all so we fully expected some kind of issues along the way, we had a really good talk last night and cleared the air,

@crimsonlake

But he is not a step parent as in you are not married? I would say you have moved everything too quickly even if it does not seem like it to you. It sounds as if your children have actually had a lot of upheaval. This is why when I divorced I would not consider any relationship as I felt my children had had enough upheaval already.

What great advice

A lot of posters on here think you need to be together for about 6 years before moving I together or never at all. In the real world it’s much quicker! We moved in together after a year and it has its problems. My partner is more happy with mess than I am but we compromise int hat he does all the jobs I don’t want to do and I do the jobs he doesn’t want to do. My daughter took about 4 months to settle in and her behaviour was a nightmare but now she’s ok. She had a new school and a new home to get used to. Just have lots of discussions, make sure everyone is upfront and honest about how they’re feeling.

Personally if i could go back I would schedule in some more review and plan time. We started doing it about a year or two in and it helped. I know it sounds very unromantic but hoping to figure it out is actually very stressful when there are kids in the mix. We had a set time each week to get out for a walk and tell each other honestly how things were going, listen and absorb. A bit like therapy minus the therapist. In fact, it was in therapy we came up with the idea. It meant we weren't getting upset in the moment as we knew we would have that time to have our say.

My partner had kids, I had none. Like a previous partner I felt expected to fall in with their dynamic.

@LittleBlackCat22

A lot of posters on here think you need to be together for about 6 years before moving I together or never at all. In the real world it’s much quicker! We moved in together after a year and it has its problems. My partner is more happy with mess than I am but we compromise int hat he does all the jobs I don’t want to do and I do the jobs he doesn’t want to do. My daughter took about 4 months to settle in and her behaviour was a nightmare but now she’s ok. She had a new school and a new home to get used to. Just have lots of discussions, make sure everyone is upfront and honest about how they’re feeling.

Exactly that 😂 a thought a year was ample, but who am I haha. Thanks so much, thankfully so far the children have been fab, I think it’s actually me, the change and getting used to living with a man again, after being on my own with the children, it’s so helpful to hear others experiences, thanks again x