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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Not sure if I've been unfair

73 replies

crocs0 · 27/06/2021 12:18

I was taking my youngest to the cinema this morning whilst leaving my teen at home. My DP (who doesn't live with us) stayed over last night and he went out this morning, due to come back at the same time we got back from cinema.

Me and DC ended up missing the cinema due to unexpected road closures and huge queues. DC understandably upset, so I rebooked to take him this afternoon.

Went to text DP to tell him my change of plans, to find he'd already text me (whilst I should have been in the cinema) to say his child had asked to come over (not his contact weekend), and could he bring them to mine (they do play with my youngest).

I text back and explain what has happened re cinema, and he responds well I'll bring my DC over anyway and we can wait for you both to get back.

Now this isn't DP or his child's house, and although I'm very welcoming (DP is here a lot and his DC come over every other week to play), I don't see why my teen should have them both here for the afternoon whilst me and my youngest are not even here. Is this unfair?

Sorry this is long!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PurpleyBlue · 27/06/2021 20:19

At the moment it sounds like he is prioritising his own needs over yours! I'd seriously go and have that bath if he's just sat there watching football. And then watch TV in bed and tell him he can see his own way out

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2021 20:34

I’d stop making life so comfortable for him OP. You and your DC should be your priority. You matter too!

TryingToBeLogical · 27/06/2021 20:57

One phrase I have learned to use when people refuse to acknowledge “no” and try to argue around it is, “I think I’m being too polite.“. Eg, “I think I’m being too polite. Like I said already a couple of times, I don’t want to buy any, so no.”

PurpleyBlue · 27/06/2021 20:59

TryingToBeLogical ooh I like that. I'm going to use that thanks.

pinkyredrose · 27/06/2021 21:01

Do you enjoy his company? He sounds one of life's takers.

paniniswapx3 · 27/06/2021 21:06

He sounds the same to me @pinkyredrose - think you've hit the nail on the head there!

Annasgirl · 27/06/2021 21:16

OP,

I think deep down you know there is something wrong and you are posting here to confirm that. Well, count it confirmed- he is one of life’s takers. You and your DC deserve more.
I would take back the key (I would actually be on my way out of this relationship but you are clearly not at that point yet).

30degreesandmeltinghere · 27/06/2021 21:17

Being second to his dc is acceptable.. Being third to his ex - def not acceptable..
This won't ever change op. Even if you married him your marriage will always come third ...
Is that a place you feel you deserve?

Isthisit22 · 27/06/2021 21:51

Regardless of his son, it sounds like he comes to your house to be fed and taken care of. Does he ever cook for you? Does he contribute?
Getting a bad feeling about this bloke.

HollowTalk · 27/06/2021 22:17

So did he have a roast dinner at yours? If so, does that mean he didn't cook for his son?

Tiredoftattler · 27/06/2021 22:56

OP, he may find it easy to say yes to his ex when she asks him to have his child not as a favor to her but as a pleasure for him.

Saying no to you at times may just be an honest reflection of his thoughts , feelings, and availability. You do not necessarily seem to be as comfortable about expressing your honest thoughts and feelings to him. That is not something for which he should be criticized; instead you should become more honest and open in expressing your thoughts , feelings, and availability.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2021 23:01

Take a night off Tattler, it’s just incessant. The sanctimony and condescension is suffocating. Give OP a break, give us all a break.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 27/06/2021 23:05

I hope you changed the channel back! He's not covered himself in glory today. Is he often like this?

Howshouldibehave · 27/06/2021 23:15

How does his life at his house compare with his life at yours? Does he get a comfy time at yours with a roast dinner, big telly, nice bed and sex? What’s it like at his?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/06/2021 23:16

@crocs0

He turned up minus his DC at 5 on the dot. So much for my bath and tv in bed.

But you need to take action OP or this dynamic will continue. You say so much for xyz as if him getting his way is inevitable?! You could say 'I really fancied a night to just chill so let's have a night apart and hang out on (another day).'

Frankly I wouldn't hang out on another day because he's a cheeky fucker who ignores what is best for you.

And at the risk of sounding like a dick, you are teaching your children that it's ok for a man to appear and expect entertaining / choose what is on tv by default / expect people to prioritise his schedule etc... even when he doesn't live there! At the expense of you and them.

Ugh I would be OUT of this OP.

He's a taker. You need to start speaking up for you and your boys and get some boundaries in place while you reassess this dynamic.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/06/2021 23:18

@Howshouldibehave

How does his life at his house compare with his life at yours? Does he get a comfy time at yours with a roast dinner, big telly, nice bed and sex? What’s it like at his?

This is a good point. How often does he treat you to those things? It's easier for him to organise them as he isn't resident parent but I'm assuming he doesn't take the initiative to?

The brass neck of him turning up when it's not pre arranged and turning the football on if that's not what you'd want to watch!!!

Please don't teach your kids this is a normal or acceptable dynamic in a relationship. It isn't.

Tiredoftattler · 28/06/2021 00:01

@AnneLovesGilbert
Exactly what makes opinion condescending and yet yours simply a valid representation of your opinion?

FishyFriday · 28/06/2021 16:45

[quote Tiredoftattler]@AnneLovesGilbert
Exactly what makes opinion condescending and yet yours simply a valid representation of your opinion?[/quote]
Might be the tone...

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/06/2021 16:56

Did you manage to set some boundaries with him yet OP?

SpongebobNoPants · 28/06/2021 19:17

Might be the tone...
Agreed.
It’s always holier than thou, robotic and devoid of normal human emotions.

Bridezillamaybe · 29/06/2021 09:20

I'm not sure why this bloke is getting so much hate. Can I just check I've got things right; he doesn't live with you but stayed last night. He went out this morning but was due to come back and have a roast with you. He unexpectedly got a chance to take his kid and suggested bringing child to yours? You weren't keen so he didn't. He dropped his child home again then came as expected for dinner. Then he switched the TV on.

Ok if I'm right (please correct me if no) then he may or may not be taking the proverbial.

He could simply feel very comfortable in the relationship and with you. Maybe he feels very at home there. Are things good in general, is there a feeling of equity in the relationship, would you like things to progress?

Is he pushing things along at his pace, using your house, your hospitality to suit his life and offering little back?

Bibidy · 29/06/2021 11:04

@Tiredoftattler

OP, he may find it easy to say yes to his ex when she asks him to have his child not as a favor to her but as a pleasure for him.

Why do you keep saying OP won't express her feelings to him??? She has already said he was due over without his DC and she didn't want him to think she suddenly didn't want him to come because it now included his child.

I don't know many people who'd have plans to see their partner and then be OK to turn around and say "actually, I can't really be arsed now". Most people wouldn't be comfortable to either say that or hear that from their partner.

That said.....OP, wasn't he due to come over after the cinema anyway, before this all happened with his kid?? I can completely see why he still showed up, tbh he may have been worried that you'd think he'd ditched you when he had the chance to have his child, and wanted to show you that wasn't the case.

Tiredoftattler · 29/06/2021 12:32

I would be unhappy in a meaningful relationship if I could not say to my partner "I am sorry but I am just not wanting to do that , go there ,see that or I just want to be alone now" and have to be concerned about them misinterpreting motivation. For me (perhaps not for everyone) that need to tip toe around expressing my feelings would make me feel as though I could not be honest or open with my partner. Equally, I would hope that he would free to express himself in the same manner to me.

I do not necessarily want a PC relationship. I need a relationship in which I can feel free to be me warts and all and to be in a relationship where my partner is free and capable of being himself with all of his imperfections

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