Not sure if I've been unfair

[crocs0]

I was taking my youngest to the cinema this morning whilst leaving my teen at home. My DP (who doesn't live with us) stayed over last night and he went out this morning, due to come back at the same time we got back from cinema.

Me and DC ended up missing the cinema due to unexpected road closures and huge queues. DC understandably upset, so I rebooked to take him this afternoon.

Went to text DP to tell him my change of plans, to find he'd already text me (whilst I should have been in the cinema) to say his child had asked to come over (not his contact weekend), and could he bring them to mine (they do play with my youngest).

I text back and explain what has happened re cinema, and he responds well I'll bring my DC over anyway and we can wait for you both to get back.

Now this isn't DP or his child's house, and although I'm very welcoming (DP is here a lot and his DC come over every other week to play), I don't see why my teen should have them both here for the afternoon whilst me and my youngest are not even here. Is this unfair?

Sorry this is long!

If you've said no clearly and he disregards this I would take the key back and reconsider the whole relationship. It's a major boundary to cross to let yourself in to someone else's home uninvited.

How did it go? Did he turn up?

It sounds to me like the child was bored at mom's house and so mom called dad to see if he could do something with him. Not sure of ages of child but child may have wanted other kids to play with - as he might be equally bored if alone at dads as he was at moms. Dad probably thought, okay I can have him play with your DCs - a way to entertain a bored kid.

Just say it won't work today but enjoy your afternoon and we will see you soon.

I don't think this is a big deal. Dad just got a bit ahead of himself.

He doesn't ever say no to his ex, and that's up to him, but again, I don't see why that should affect my plans..

@PurpleyBlue Well he replied and asked what time our film finished as he would bring them over after. We've actually only just got back now and I'm knackered (DC got up at the crack of dawn for some reason this morning). I've still not replied yet.

Maybe I'm just being grumpy because I'm tired. I don't mean to be unkind. I just want my roast, bath and TV in bed!

Get your key back!

No, not unfair at all.

Just text him and say what you've said here!

Glad he didn't just turn up. You did nothing wrong, enjoy your evening and message him to make plans for next weekend.

@crocs0

Maybe I'm just being grumpy because I'm tired. I don't mean to be unkind. I just want my roast, bath and TV in bed!

Erm nothing unkind about that! I like a quiet Sunday afternoon, I often don't even like the company of my own children, never mind someone else's !! Enjoy the peace x

Ah that's good, I think just say what you've said here, you just want a quiet night. Maybe he thinks you want to see him and won't know unless you say.

Not unkind at all Op - just tell him you want a quiet night. I'm another who hates Sunday evening plans and I use it to get sorted for the following week!

his child will be disappointed if they don't see my DC.

I'm pretty sure this is code for I can't be arsed to look after my child on my own so am looking for something else to do, ideally someone else to entertain them.

@FinallyHere I just spoke to him, they spent a solid 3 hours on the Xbox at his house, so I guess he managed to entertain him in the end

OP, why is it difficult to just say " sorry, I am just not up to company today" ?
Is your partner generally insensitive to the fact that you are not joined at the hip and may need some level of autonomy in terms of time and actions?

That for me would be a major red flag in any relationship. You should never need to justify your need for personal time or personal actions

@Tiredoftattler I would usually, but DP was coming back to mine after the cinema anyway and I didn't want it to seem like I was saying no just because he suddenly had his DC.

Obviously after a free roast and somebody else to entertain his child

And that his child will be disappointed if they don't see my DC

Welcome to life. Sometimes you'll be disappointed 🤷

No, you're not being unfair at all, you're establishing boundaries. Your DP sounds quite used to being told no by his ex, so hearing it from you shouldn't be a problem for him.

If he ever lets himself in uninvited, it's time to take back the key, change the locks and rethink the relationship.

He obviously fancies your roast dinner, too. Tell him you have a bad headache and want a quiet evening and a very early night.

He turned up minus his DC at 5 on the dot. So much for my bath and tv in bed.

That's so annoying. I'd be tempted to carry on as I'd planned and maybe moan about my period pains.

Why not Tel him to bring his child to the cinema and you all watch the film togeter

@HalzTangz I'd already booked the second film before I saw his text, and I also wanted some 1-2-1 time with my youngest as I don't get as much of that as I'd like.

@PurpleyBlue Haha that's tempting, especially as he's just reached over for the remote control and put the football on!

He’s taking the piss. When are they leaving? How are you going to make sure this doesn’t happen again?

He prioritises his ex over you. He priorities his child’s wants over your child’s needs. He’s selfish.

@AnneLovesGilbert He dropped his DC off on the way to mine so didn't have them with him.

Yes I do feel like he sometimes priorities his ex over me - will never say no to her but can very easily say no the me!