Sick step child

[PotNoodler]

If a dc is ill (cough/cold) and going to fathers house for contact means putting several adults/children at risk of getting it, should child still go? Taking into account if others catch it, they will most likely have to sort covid tests etc out.

Ideally not but unfortunately as a step mum you get very little say in this, which sucks given its putting your health at risk.

Its a pain, but I don’t think you can give a straight “yes” or “no” on just those facts. It’s very situation dependent.

Spreading disease or moving a sick child aren’t ideal, but equally both parents have an equal responsibility for the child’s care and the inconveniences that sometimes brings.

Mother doesn't work.
Father and 2 other adults in his house work plus dc at school.

Don't want to be too specific.

The whole Covid thing has really put into sharp relief how polarising people's beliefs about what you should do when ill are. This is something I've always been semi aware of because I fall into the camp that thinks people can be very selfish in this regard. I was raised with the mentality that if you KNOW you are ill and can avoid exposing yourself to others, then you should do so. You should certainly never ever show up ill somewhere without warning the other person so they can have their say on whether they are happy to go ahead.

Covid adds extra layers of complication to that due to the potential of having to isolate etc. So I do think that 9 times out of 10, common sense dictates they should stay where they contracted the illness so as not to spread it. Sometimes that won't be possible due to that parent not being available to have them extra time, but if they can, I think they should.

But I am aware I am in the minority and you will probably get loads of comments saying kids get ill all the time, it's life, you mustn't ever block/miss contact etc etc.

I was raised with the mentality that if you KNOW you are ill and can avoid exposing yourself to others, then you should do so. You should certainly never ever show up ill somewhere without warning the other person so they can have their say on whether they are happy to go ahead.

In our house, being ill was frowned on, and if you could stand, you were supposed to soldier on and go wherever you were supposed to be.

I don’t particularly support that stance now, but I think you’re quite right that family culture and belief varies massively and it is very difficult when two sets of beliefs collide.

If anyone in the household has an impaired immune system then no the child shouldn't.

However as people particularly children get colds all the time then it is just something you have to put up with.

@RickiTarr Yes, I have definitely come across this with DPs family, who are ill a lot but have a very relaxed attitude about it and would never think to either warn people about it, or avoid people on the basis of it. I'm not saying they're wrong at all, but it is pretty stressful for me to navigate coming from the totally opposite perspective. Pretty much every time I see them, me and DD come away with a stonking cold, whilst DP is fine!

Actually, @aSofaNearYou I totally agree. That's how I was raised too and, for me, it's about damage limitation and common sense as far as possible, regardless of whose 'turn' it is for contact.

To that end, when my own child was either infectious and/or simply feeling rotten (and a journey would have made them feel worse) I've kept them with me at home rather than spread the lurgy around. Yeah... that can be a pain of course if you're the parent with care looking forward to time 'off' but I'd rather my child was comfortable than embarking upon travel they didn't need to.

Fine as long as everyone else is healthy and child has a neg covid test.

If a dc is ill (cough/cold)
I would expect the person caring for the child to have had a covid test done given the cough.
On the assumption it’s negative, then yes I would expect to have the child.

@PotNoodler

If a dc is ill (cough/cold) and going to fathers house for contact means putting several adults/children at risk of getting it, should child still go? Taking into account if others catch it, they will most likely have to sort covid tests etc out.

Yes if they have had a negative test or there are emergency circumstances that mean they can't isolate at their other parent's house.

No if they have covid. Or not tested. Why potentially give Covid to both your parents when you could keep one of your parents healthy. It's not fair on the children.

Yes they still get to go.

If the mum is extremely considerate, the dad is happy to skip visit and the child doesn't mind they may agree to stay with resident parent when they have a cold.

But I think the normal expectation is to go. Otherwise some parents would use it as am excuse to block/avoid access.

Ok, think I'll send him then. Just wasn't sure what the done thing is. Thank you all.

Have you spoken to his dad and seen what he wants to do? Have you done a test? Or are you planning on just sending him and not mentioning it?

But I think the normal expectation is to go. Otherwise some parents would use it as am excuse to block/avoid access.

Parents do use a child having a colds to block/avoid access with the other parent.

There are examples on this board plus other separated parent forums.

This is why I said unless there is someone with an impaired immune system you cannot stop contact due to a mild common cold.

He's had a negative test, dad isn't keen but said it's up to me. Just feel guilty as 3 people will have to either stay off work or go to work feeling lousy, and same for the kids but school.

Tell him it's up to him. It's his house, his family.

Oops sorry, posted too soon. If you make the call he might use it against you to say he stopped contact. Don't worry about the people in his house, that's for him to decide. You've been nice and given him the option.

I would ask your ex, but with the expectation that as it's not Covid, and assuming a cold/cough isn't going to cause serious harm to someone in the house, that the child would go. NRP shouldn't just be able to pick only the healthy weekends!

Does your child want to go?

If both parents are ok with it I think the unwell child should stay where they are to avoid spreading their cold to their half/step-siblings or other children in the other house.

It depends really.

Under normal circumstances, coughs and colds are inevitable really. If the SC didn't come here because of a cold, then they'd never come here really. One of them is always snotty.

That's complicated by covid now and the need for children to be tested if they have cold symptoms so they can go to school or nursery. You've got to hope the parents involved would be reasonable about it and consider the effects of everyone in the households. I'd get a child a PCR test before sending them with any symptoms that might be interpreted as covid.

Other illness... it's probably not reasonable to send the child for various reasons. If it's a stomach bug, I'd imagine the child would rather stay in bed than be transported to their other parent's house much of the time. Insisting they must go isn't really putting their needs and well-being first. Plus, there's no way I'd send a child a stomach bug to a house to pass it on to other children (or be impressed if the SC's mother did). And I'd expect my H to not have the SC come here to catch one from either of the resident children here (that's not in their interests at all).

My SC have both had chickenpox recently. My H decided not to have them come here with chickenpox to pass on to the baby. That seems fair really. You don't go moving children with infectious chickenpox around generally.

It mostly comes down to being sensible rather than insisting that a contact schedule is adhered to to the letter. Replacing in person contact with a video call where infectious diseases are involved is totally sensible.

It sounds like you've been fair OP. You got your child to take a test and it's negative and gave the dad the option of you keeping your child and he said it's up to you. He could have said no, but chose not to.

There's not much more you can do really.

Yes. The dad still needs to look after his child when they are ill... it’s part of being a dad.

@PotNoodler

He's had a negative test, dad isn't keen but said it's up to me. Just feel guilty as 3 people will have to either stay off work or go to work feeling lousy, and same for the kids but school.

In this case I see, I would send the child as usual.

@Just10moreminutesplease

Yes. The dad still needs to look after his child when they are ill... it’s part of being a dad.

That's the sort of thing that, on the surface, sounds reasonable. But, in practice, isn't always the case.

If you were a child with the flu, would you want to be made to get up and go to dad's house because it's 'his weekend' and he should have to share in the crap it's of parenting too?

This stuff is supposed to be about the child not the parents. It may be that for child-centred reasons, NRPs just do get much less off the looking after sick kids stuff.

Obviously, if they're well enough to be at school, there's no reason to not go to dad's. This OP is talking about a cold so it'd fall into that category.

But neither my nor I would want to make DS get up and change house when he was feeling too shit for school just because of a regular contact schedule. He will sometimes ask to come back here early if he's unwell because he'd rather be ill in his bed here. His dad doesn't refuse to look after him if he's ill, but he won't insist he stays at his if he'd rather be in bed here. And I'm not going to stamp my foot about how he needs to take his fair share of the crap bits of parenting either. We can be cooperative enough to do what's best for DS.