Holidays with step-kids

[Rosebella215]

What are people's experiences of going away on holiday with their step-children and what do you think is the norm/expected?

For background, I've been with partner for 2 years, lived together for half of that and he has a DSD who is 9. My DSD & I have a good and what I believe is a normal & healthy relationship. We have her every other weekend Fri through to Tuesday and one night in the week every week. Things have all been fine but obviously we haven't been away on holiday together as a 3 yet because of Covid. We are due to this summer holidays but I feel slightly anxious about it. My partner is super excited as he has me and his daughter with him and is looking forward to our 'family holiday'. I don't want to sound like a cruel step mum (please no I'm not...I am always thinking of fun things to do as a 3 together) but a holiday seems different and I'm not sure why. I guess...and again please don't slate me, but as much as I enjoy DSD's company, I can't say I feel like a 'family'. It's almost like I feel guilty or silly for pretending we are and for some reason a holiday would just seem like that to me.
Please tell me if I'm being ridiculous or if anyone else can relate?
Thank you!

You’re not being ridiculous at all. You’ve only lived together for a year, that’s no time to adjust completely to being part of a blended family unit and it’s been the very weirdest year any of us have lived through.

Is it possible you’re putting too much pressure on yourself? What does being in a family mean to you?

She was fine before you got together and she’s still got her two parents, you’re a bonus that she doesn’t need but can benefit from if it’s a positive relationship - as you say you feel it is.

A holiday might feel like a major milestone but it’s probably going to be like normal life in a different place, possibly for slightly longer and a bit more relaxed.

When we started going away together, I’ve got two step children, I made sure we had some time apart so they had quality dad time so I got a break. So he’d take them out for breakfast and I’d have a lie in, or they’d do an activity they all enjoyed and I’d read my book in a cafe or have a nice walk. Worked really well and has carried on since we’ve had DD they’d do more grown up stuff and I’d go back for a lie down while she napped etc.

Talk about your expectations and any concerns plenty in advance. It’s your holiday too so build in things you’ll enjoy and time off for yourself.

I've done it twice and I've said never ever again. I just don't enjoy it and if I'm having a holiday, selfishly I want to relax and chill out and not be on edge the whole time. We now holiday separately, which is kind of sad, especially seeing as we have our own DC but that's the way it is.

I've been a SM for years and never been on holiday with my DSC. DH and I holiday together (well we used to, thanks covid!), and he takes them away on his own also. Works fine for us. We have done weekends away all together to visit family etc, but no actual holidays - my job is really stressful and full on so I prefer to use my annual leave to recharge in peace and quiet, and enjoy DHs company, nice dinners, cocktails, lying by the pool reading, visiting galleries etc. Not sitting by the kids pool getting splashed every 5 minutes, or being forced to eat at kid friendly places every night.

My concern in your shoes would be that your DP sees this as a fun filled family holiday where you will be required to join in with everything DSD wants to do, rather than thinking that you might want any down / childfree time to just chill. If you do want to carve out some time for yourself it might be worth saying something up front!

You don't have to feel like a family and you don't have to want to pay for holidays that are centred around kids. Don't worry, your feelings are normal. I would put some thought into whether you feel your partner generally pressures you to feel like a "family", because this is common and he will need you accept that his partner may not feel that way or be as passionately enthusiastic about the concept.

Family holidays are nothing like adult only holidays.
I'd suggest having a thorough conversation with your DP about what this holiday looks like in his mind. What you will be doing, is there any couple time etc.

The fact he is calling it a family holiday would suggest a trip based around your step daughter, which is fine if you are all agreed with that but these holidays can be more tiring than working.

I agree with Peet if you need some quiet recharge time make that clear before you go.

Don't beat yourself up about not being over the moon about spending your holiday with someone else's kids, even if those kids happen to be your partner's. I have done holidays with my stepkids before and the key is to make sure you have some adult time, or time just for yourself if that's not possible. Thankfully we have agreed to holiday alone from now on - the older two are too old to want to come, and the last time we took the youngest away he barely left the hotel room as he just wanted to game all the time. Complete waste of money taking him.

Thank you for everyone's comments I really appreciate it! It's nice to know I'm not an awful person, it can be difficult to know what I'm feeling is right or wrong sometimes.

To be honest my partner has been amazing with me during this whole new life as a 'step mum' but I actually think it's me that can sometimes put too much pressure on myself. My partner knows my feelings about it all and I'm lucky I can talk to him about it, I just think sometimes (and he will admit it) he gets carried away with it all as he's happy but I do remind him that as much as he feels those feelings, I actually do not.

We have a villa so I think this will be easier than say if we were all sharing a hotel room as I can take myself of like you say. I do that now at the weekends sometimes...she's a sweet kid but as she's an only child currently on both sides, and only child of the family on her entire mum's side...she can erm, be a tad attention seeking and I do find it rather exhausting.

You won't know until you try!

You probably need to change any expectations about what a holiday with a child is like compared to a child free one, especially if the villa doesn't have neighbours where she might find other children to play with .

Don't feel silly or guilty about not feeling like a family. It takes time and shared experiences.

Yeah I don't blame you, A holiday is supposed to be relaxing and for most that evolves peace and quiet and doing adult only things, if you had your own children then it would obviously be different as you would of made that choice and would know holidays would have to be centred around the kids, but with someone else who has children you will be the one who has to make the sacrifices on where you can go and at what times (I.e summer holidays) unfortunately that is part and parcel of dating somebody who allready has children unless you can find some way of going away together and not taking the kids but unfortunately you will be been seeing as selfish (in my experience)

We are taking our first trip this summer, my two plus one of his ... the girls are all up for it (as long as parental wallets are open!) we feel it's a good opportunity to show them they all matter to us equally. They are young adults so could easily have said no.

Dp's dd is particularly keen because I've picked something she loves (as do mine) and dp isn't that keen on so has never taken her! We get on well. I've only booked 2 nights this time, start small, but it means we can spoil them

Holidays with young children are not holidays.

You put up with it as a parent mainly because you don't have a choice but also because it is generally lovely to see your own children having fun and enjoying the pool and the beach and that makes it worthwhile.

I also think you need to speak to your DP to make sure your expectations are on the same page.

Adult holiday = drinking, sunbathing, sex, sightseeing, eating in nice restaurants, sleeping, reading.

Child holiday = supervising children in pool to make sure they don't drown/disappear, watching character entertainment in the kids shows, kids clubs if you're lucky.

I've been on a couple and enjoyed them, but my DH understands completely that they will never mean the same to me as they do to him so doesn't push the whole "family" thing. If they want to go off on a day trip just them that's fine and then you get a nice relaxing day to do what you want. It's when you are forced to spend all day every day all together that even in a non-step family things can get strained. But if you don't want to go it's absolutely fine and they need time to bond without you too.

I’ve done holidays with DSCs and when they were primary age-ish it was lovely. But I had DCs if my own and knew what was involved with holidaying with young children, so set some ground rules before we went. However, now I’d rather stick pins in my eyes that go away with my adult DSCs - but that’s another story.

When my SC we're younger every holiday revolved around them. It was exhausting. Where did they want to go/do/eat/watch/wear/see/play in/on from the moment we got up until we went to bed.

What didn't help was that my SD was a particularly demanding child, had I known what I do now I would have been a bit more demanding about keeping holidays separate most of the time.

I'd say a long weekend or a week break with step kids is fine but don't invest your family holiday budget in 2 weeks in Crete all inclusive. You'll be climbing the walls after 2 days and if you say anything you're branded for life by the child

I agree that it's worth having a proper talk about expectations and concept of a 'family holiday'.

Don't feel that you have to join in with everything and centre your whole trip around your DSD, even if her father must do.

I think you're doing the right thing with a villa so you can have your own spaces. Being cooped up in a single hotel room would be extremely hard with SC.

I've been on a holiday with H, the SC and DS once. I insisted on a 3 bedroom apartment or villa. That way we had a private bedroom and DS had somewhere to escape the SC. They shared but they share a bedroom all the time at their mum's house so that's standard for them. It also meant that there could be more flexibility around meals and no need to get up and get everyone ready for breakfast.

Nonetheless it was hard work and frustrating. Much more so than any holiday I've ever been on, even the family ones with my own kids. The issues from home do travel and can amplify in odd ways. In hindsight, I'd definitely have insisted on taking much more time just for DS and me and leaving H to deal with his kids himself.

If I had not had my own children, I'd definitely have felt overwhelmed and annoyed by everything having to centre around the SC and how exhausting they were. A day at the beach to myself with a book and a nice lunch in a cafe would definitely have been necessary. Or a shopping, cafe sitting, museum going trip just for myself. The kind of thing I'd have wanted to do with my husband, but would happily accept that he's busy looking after his children and enjoy some peace.

It's not selfishness. It's realism. And actually it is letting your SD have time in holiday with her dad. That isn't a negative thing in any way.

Take lots of good books and ensure that you have plenty of time to relax. That’s assuming you’re happy to go.

I always said I’d go but wasn’t paying - it costs thousands to go in school hols as opposed to a few hundred pounds in term time, which as a single woman I could take advantage of. I wasn’t going to spend £2k to sit in a family resort.

I first went on holiday with DH and DSD when she was 7 and I had a bit of a shock to realise that a holiday with a child is not really a holiday in the same way you’re used to (yes that might seem obvious but it truly hit me on holiday) and I have to admit to finding it a bit much at times and craving a bit of time to myself but it was also a lot of fun, more relaxed and lovely to see new things through a child’s eyes.
We had a holiday that year just us two so we centred the holiday with her all around her but it might be worth thinking and talking about expectations and also whether you’re keeping to bedtime. We didn’t keep to normal bedtime and that was the hardest part as we got no down time.