Just need some advice

[wisemensayonlyfoolsrushin]

Hiya fellow stepmums & mums!

So before I get slaughtered for 'sticking my nose in' I just wanted to inform you all I am very hands on with my step kids, love them like they're my own, I have an extremely close relationship with both of them and this is why I've come for advice because I'm worried about the affect this may be having on them.

Abit of background I have 2 step children, DSS 9 and DSS 7 they're fantastic kids, we have them 50/50. I also have my own DS (not relevant to this post but just so you know!)

So, the past month every time the step kids have been with us they've dropped in bits of concerning information such as...

Mummy says she doesn't give a fuck about daddy.
We missed school one day because mummy and boyfriend had an argument and had to stop at said friends house (said friends son is extremely abusive to SK but DM looks the other way - another story for another time!)
Mummy and said boyfriend are always arguing and it really upsets us.
Mummy has got X amount of money
Nanny said daddy is a shit daddy

And the list goes on!

Now, I believe them for different reasons for example mummy has just moved house so would have had her deposit back and mummy has appeared with bruises from said boyfriend but covers it up (also the step kids continually say that said boyfriend breaks things and shouts at mummy all the time) and mummy uses said friend quite a lot to dump the kids on.

I just don't know what to do with this information, for one it's not what kids their age or any kids should be hearing and for two if mummy caught wind of ANYTHING daddy was doing (even if it wasn't true) she straight up texts him a barrage of shit accusing him of this that and the other when in fact if you look at it deeper most of the issues are actually coming from her house not ours,

I have got an alright relationship with her, if there's something up with the kids she'll discuss it with me so that I can get on board and get my DP on board and sort it out.

So... I was thinking of sending her a message with all the concerning things and being like 'I'm not pointing fingers, do what you will with the information but you need to know so please stop your shitty behaviour thank you kindly'

Just need to know how to approach It really or should I or what do fellow step mums think?

Thank you in advance 😊

Do you think it will actually change anything or do you think she will kick off at you and tell the kids not to say anything in to you about their life with her?
I’m all for talking to DSDs mum if it’ll make a difference but I’d be prepared for her to kick off too

Erm mum is being abused, children are witnessing it, being shunted off to friends house where kids are being abused. Why on earth isn’t their father taking the lead on this and refusing to let his children go back to that house??

I appreciate you want to help, but not once have you mentioned what your DP is doing or thinking about this?

I have got an alright relationship with her, if there's something up with the kids she'll discuss it with me so that I can get on board and get my DP on board and sort it out.

Can he actually think for himself when it comes to his kids?

@Bksjshsbbev2737

I have no idea! I don't want an argument, that's the last thing that I want I just want to make her aware of what's being said.
True true, I do want the kids to be able to talk freely with us so maybe it's not a good idea

@UhtredRagnarson

Oh that's just the half of it but there's no point causing an uproar when there is no solid proof. We also know that they both are into drugs even when the kids are there (albeit in bed but that's not the point) but we can't prove anything.

@excelledyourself

Because bless him he's tried so hard, she will not listen to anyone but herself or her mum. She thinks all he does is lie, good one actually.. he asked her a question last week after DSD told him something and she literally went ape shit telling him he's a liar. DSD went home and told mum she'd said it and he still didn't get an apology from her 🙄
I see he tries with her, she is absolutely deluded on some subjects and it's like talking to a brick wall most of the time so I get that he's done trying to be reasonable with her which is why I step in as a medium I suppose. I don't mind it if it benefits the kids in the end.

@UhtredRagnarson

Just a question out of curiosity really, do you know what could we do based on the information we know?

@excelledyourself also sorry 😂 he's a man... can any man truly think for themselves?! 🤣🤣

We also know that they both are into drugs even when the kids are there (albeit in bed but that's not the point) but we can't prove anything.

FFS!!

Their father needs to step the fuck up!

So before I get slaughtered for 'sticking my nose in' I just wanted to inform you all I am very hands on with my step kids, love them like they're my own, I have an extremely close relationship with both of them

I mean this in the absolute kindest of ways, I think this is something your DP needs to handle. You could contact the NSPCC or the police to ask for advice on how to protect the children? Is your DP doing anything about this?

[quote wisemensayonlyfoolsrushin]@excelledyourself also sorry 😂 he's a man... can any man truly think for themselves?! 🤣🤣 [/quote]
Are you for real?

Is he protecting his kids or not? Social services? Police? Go to court to get full custody? Anything?

[quote wisemensayonlyfoolsrushin]@excelledyourself also sorry 😂 he's a man... can any man truly think for themselves?! 🤣🤣 [/quote]
Casual sexism isn't funny at the best of times, least of all where there are kids being exposed to domestic violence and drug use.

Male or female, he's a parent and needs to step up and act like one.

Your DP needs to sort this out. Not you.

So because he's a man your partner is incapable of thinking for himself when his children are in a horrendous situation?

What has he done so far to protect them?

You know, I was going to write a whole thing but I thought I best just leave it.

I do want to apologise to anyone I have offended on here with my lightheartedness, it wasn't my intention at all.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to retain children on the basis of knowing about DV and drug use but you've got no proof then I'm happy to listen and take on board what my partner can do.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to retain children on the basis of knowing about DV and drug use but you've got no proof then I'm happy to listen and take on board what my partner can do.

You literally just keep them at your house and don’t return them. You report all your concerns to social services and you let their mother go to court and deal with social services and cafcass in order to get contact.

What would you do if this was your child OP?

@UhtredRagnarson

I do understand what you're saying, it is a massive concern of ours BUT when there is literally no shred of proof at all and if we get all these people involved and she manages to hide it then what would happen?

DP has to do something. Phone the NSPCC and ask their advice?

You’re shying away from doing what needs to be done. You don’t wait for proof before acting. You act to protect the children and let social services investigate. They will speak with the children and the truth will come out.

If the abuse escalates and the kids are affected and it comes out your DP did nothing they will wonder why.

I'm looking at local social services now and the only options it suggests to contact them is physically abuse and sexual abuse which is neither in this situation.

I'll have a look at the NSPCC

I'm not reluctant or shying away I'm just trying to think of the outcome that's all, I've never done anything like this and it's never even been suggested between me and my DP so I'm just trying to wrap my head round it

@UhtredRagnarson

You’re shying away from doing what needs to be done. You don’t wait for proof before acting. You act to protect the children and let social services investigate. They will speak with the children and the truth will come out.

Agreed, you're unlikely to get evidence of it anyway. Social services can ask the kids about it. Or maybe DP could speak to the school.

@PurpleyBlue

I might get DP to have a word with school, they have come to ours with their school bags stinking of drugs before so maybe the school have noticed it

I'm just trying to think of the outcome that's all the outcome is you and DP will hopefully get the situation sorted out so the stepchildren you care about are safe.

[quote wisemensayonlyfoolsrushin]@PurpleyBlue

I might get DP to have a word with school, they have come to ours with their school bags stinking of drugs before so maybe the school have noticed it [/quote]
Good idea. Just help support your DP. If he doesn't step up and do something then you should (and leave him)

He is the kind of person to step up and sort stuff out it's just with his ex he's kind of at the end of his tether which I understand which is why I asked my original question BUT I don't think either of us have taken in what the kids have told us as seriously as we should have.

I'm going to sit down with him tomorrow (he's at work at the mo) and discuss it with him and what we can do.

Also NSPCC was way more helpful.

In my role if someone discloses DV to me and I know there are children in the house I have to report it to social services.
They take it very seriously. There would be an investigation. If DV is proven a CPP is the very likely outcome and if the mum doesn't end the relationship permanently then those children would very likely be removed.
I would think it impossible that you would ever been able to prove it and that's not your job. But you have very good reason to suspect DV and drug use in the children's home. You have to report this.
I would not necessarily say that you need to prevent the children returning (I wouldn't keep them in my office for example) as there is no evidence of imminent danger of severe direct harm to them and an investigation is likely to take a few weeks.
But I think from what you've written you literally have to report this tomorrow ASAP and face up to the fact that your relationship with the ex is going to be absolutely screwed but that you might be protecting those children from a very abusive household.