Step kids have forgotten Father's Day

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

I feel so bad for my husband. Neither of his kids has remembered Father's Day. Eldest is away at uni, youngest happily went home yesterday after his time here without a word. Neither have been in touch so far today. They are both old enough to remember themselves. My daughter (not his) has got him a stepdad card. Should I do something nice for him or would that make things worse?

chocolate:

"My husband has ferried them around everywhere since he split with their mum (not his fault, if that's relevant)"

how does where the fault lies in the separation of your husband and his ex wife have anything whatsoever to do with whether your husband's children appreciate him or not? I really do not understand.

@Millymog you have very low expectations of your kids.

We doing have kids together and we never will. But if we did I would be equally angry with them if they forgot. Just like I would with my own daughter. It's basic manners.

how does where the fault lies in the separation of your husband and his ex wife have anything whatsoever to do with whether your husband's children appreciate him or not? I really do not understand.

Because previous posters have suggested that he might have a bad relationship with them because he's no longer with their mum.

As someone enduring the first fd since loss, you would have to be in a cave not to know it is fd

I couldn’t help my children (primary aged) get their father (my ex) anything this year as we’ve all been isolating these past two weeks.

But his older child who is 15 didn’t get him anything either. I really hope it’s not because exDSC was relying on me whether I was isolating or not . But I can’t help but put two and two together.

@Mumsgirls

As someone enduring the first fd since loss, you would have to be in a cave not to know it is fd

Sorry for your loss. I lost my own dad 6 years ago - it's hard.

Another one missing her dad here.

I find this level of thoughtlessness hard to stomach also. I sort of agree with the parenting remark. My DP was most definitely not absent, none of his children would claim he was. However as an outsider I can see that their mother is extremely self serving and treats him with utter contempt, I suspect she did while they were married too. I have no idea why he tolerated it and doesn't see that his chidren do the same. They've been like this since they were young.

Based on your updates OP I wouldn't remind them but I would encourage your DH to calmly let them know he felt hurt to not hear from them on Father's Day.

@chocolatesaltyballs22

He's told me before that he doesn't want me to remind them - it doesn't mean anything if they don't remember themselves.

😞 You can hear the hurt in that. My brother is the same. Says he can’t remember these things but can remember he has a night out of weekend away booked though.

How old is the youngest? The eldest will probably text at 11pm say sorry and happy father's Day.

Youngest depend on age. Either the sane or if I see 15, would probably have been wise to remind him yesterday.

Youngest is 14.

Takes nothing to send a text

Did he not ask to have them today with it being Father’s Day so they could do something together?

@OneRingToRuleThemAll

Children don't remember these things, it's the parents that sort it all out. My children had a card put under their nose with instruction to 'sign here'.

Op says they are adults, there are cards in all the shops. Once adults it's their call to make not the other parents. I would be gutted if my kids didn't bother

My sd didn't bother either, 2nd year running. I offered my help and got turned down as usual but she then just didn't bother at all. Really feel for my dh as he's a great dad and does so much for her

It’s the comment about it meaning nothing unless they think of it themselves that says the most.

Someone (grandparents maybe?) needs to sit these kids/adults down and tell them some home truths: that dad really does want his birthday/fathers day remembering. THat it hurts him that these things are forgotten. That if they feel they might even slightly take him for granted at times, this is their opportunity to make up for it. That they should set a reminder on their phone to help them remember, as nobody else is going to remind them.

Many fathers avoid telling their kids how being forgotten on these days hurts: why? Stoicism? Martyrdom? That might be a bit extreme, but if you think your OH suffers from this a bit, then bring it up. Just wait a few weeks though!

Sometimes it is difficult to understand how kids (or anyone for that matter) experiences their interactions with another person. What on the surface may appear to be positive interactions are not always experienced that way by both parties.

Father and children may not have the frequency or quality of interaction that they both find meaningful. In any case, what really matters is how they treat each other on a daily basis.

Everyday is Father's Day or Mother's Day when your children are well behaved (for the most part) , kind to others, and doing well in school and their other pursuits. If that is not happening no amount of gifting or acknowledgement on a Hallmark holiday is at all meaningful.
A parent's ability to say job well done and know that to be true is what makes those days matter.

@ContessaVerde could not agree more. And I can't help thinking that if they don't have the importance of being thoughtful on occasions like these instilled into them then they are going to grow up to be shit husbands to someone some day. My ex husband never bothered with mother's or father's day for his parents and they just brushed it off. Needless to say he couldn't be arsed with my birthday either.

@ContessaVerde

It’s the comment about it meaning nothing unless they think of it themselves that says the most.

Someone (grandparents maybe?) needs to sit these kids/adults down and tell them some home truths: that dad really does want his birthday/fathers day remembering. THat it hurts him that these things are forgotten. That if they feel they might even slightly take him for granted at times, this is their opportunity to make up for it. That they should set a reminder on their phone to help them remember, as nobody else is going to remind them.

Many fathers avoid telling their kids how being forgotten on these days hurts: why? Stoicism? Martyrdom? That might be a bit extreme, but if you think your OH suffers from this a bit, then bring it up. Just wait a few weeks though!

I think this is very good advice.

And I can't help thinking that if they don't have the importance of being thoughtful on occasions like these instilled into them then they are going to grow up to be shit husbands to someone some day

Not necessarily. I don’t gift or acknowledge some occasions but make a huge effort for others.

It is also possible to love your parents very much but to think that they were less than effective parents. Kids who have this opinion or thoughts may not find Mother's Day or Father's Day as being particularly meaningful in their lives. They may happily acknowledge Xmas or birthdays, etc but may be unable to connect with Mother's Day or Father's Day.

There is no real benefit to being so judgemental without knowing the real reasons motivating the behavior.

I think that it matters more whether their is love between the parent and child and the gifting or acknowledgment of a particular day really does very little to speak to the real bond between parent and child.

I really disagree that children "remembering" fathers day or mothers day is a measure or marker of the quality of human being they are.

For example I know a father who does not live with two of his children. There is contact but the communication between father and children is very poor. I believe the children are sad about it. The son sent the father a "happy fathers day" text and the father replied with a "thumbs up" response. This upset the son.

So I think this annecdote shows that it really is not a "one way" responsibility on one day of the year on the children. It is a true reflection of the wider relationship which exists every day of the year, for which the parent in question must accept part responsibility.

Of course there are "selfish" children just like there are "selfish" adults but saying they are selfish because they omit to do anything for fathers day (deliberately or otherwise) seems a real stretch.