Step kids have forgotten Father's Day

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

I feel so bad for my husband. Neither of his kids has remembered Father's Day. Eldest is away at uni, youngest happily went home yesterday after his time here without a word. Neither have been in touch so far today. They are both old enough to remember themselves. My daughter (not his) has got him a stepdad card. Should I do something nice for him or would that make things worse?

I’d still remind them. No need to mention it to dh.
What’s the point of everyone feeling bad when a little reminder could turn it into a good day?

They'll have 100% seen posts on social media about it today so they will know it's fathers day. It's a bit rubbish of them to not even send a text, I can see why your husband is upset.

I would do something nice with him yourself if he's feeling down about it. And maybe send a gentle text to your DSC later about how they hurt his feelings.

Perhaps they think ‘father’s day’ is a made-up, commercialised ‘Hallmark holiday’ and that they don’t want to participate?

I'm certainly not saying it's the case in your situation but my kids have deliberately ignored their dad today as he's been an absent father for most of their lives. Im sure he is quite indignant but sometimes parents reap what they sow.

@Foghead

I’d still remind them. No need to mention it to dh. What’s the point of everyone feeling bad when a little reminder could turn it into a good day?

Because its not up to OP to try and maintain the relationship between DSC and their dad. For all we know they might not have forgotten but might have a strained relationship with their dad. Or they might think only young children get cards for fathers day. Stepparent reminding them could be seen as nagging/interfering.

@Willyoujustbequiet

I'm certainly not saying it's the case in your situation but my kids have deliberately ignored their dad today as he's been an absent father for most of their lives. Im sure he is quite indignant but sometimes parents reap what they sow.

He's not an absent father at all, nor do they have a strained relationship. The kids are just thoughtless.

Two older SS's here this weekend (15 1/2 and 18) They haven't mention a thing about Father's day so as far and as far as I can tell, they haven't got my DH anything. I also don't think there is an excuse. My DD debt her Dad a hamper even though she isn't seeing him. It's a shame. Last year DH got nothing for his birthday or Father's Day and he does so much for them. Sad really. At their age, they shouldn't need reminding. It's completely thoughtless. Some kids are not brought up to think of others unfortunately.

I think what is given or what is forgotten on fathers day (or mothers day) is a direct reflection of the parenting done by that person and is not the "fault" of the child in question.

@millymog I Don't agree. My DH is a lovely parent to his boys and does an awful lot for them. I think the boys are used to being a collective, never give individual gifts and only do so when reminded. They are hugely thoughtless, such is something I've mentioned to DH. The older one is at times a little better but both are treated as little children at their mother's (she won't even let them lock up themselves). She does everything for them so why should they have to remember all by themselves. Ridiculous. We are supposed to be bringing up children to be adults. They shouldn't need constant reminders.

Millymog I disagree, unless the parent in question has a strained relationship with the children, it takes both parents to bring their children to think of others and the culture of the house they spend most time in is the one that will naturally dominate.

@Millymog

I think what is given or what is forgotten on fathers day (or mothers day) is a direct reflection of the parenting done by that person and is not the "fault" of the child in question.

I don't think that's a fair assessment. In my experience quite often it's because they have been 'babied' to the extent they don't see the need to think for themselves because someone has always been there to remind or do it for them.

But if you remind the dc, then aren’t you telling them that they should be thinking of someone else?
I know they should be thinking of him anyway, but they didn’t. Whether they just forgot or are uncaring, giving them a reminder and a chance to rectify the situation is better than everyone feeling crap by the end of the day.
If they really don’t care, then fair enough.

I'd text them to remind them and tell them not to let on you'd reminded them. Your DH doesn't need to know they'd forgotten and I'm sure he'll happily talk himself into believing that they hadn't. You're not doing it for the kids, you're doing it so your DH will be happy. Surely that's worth a bit of subterfuge.

@chocolatesaltyballs22

He's told me before that he doesn't want me to remind them - it doesn't mean anything if they don't remember themselves.

There’s your answer then.

Would you rather be miserable knowing you didn't mean much to them, or happy thinking you did? And I'm sure they do love him.

@Millymog

I think what is given or what is forgotten on fathers day (or mothers day) is a direct reflection of the parenting done by that person and is not the "fault" of the child in question.

I agree that’s often the case.

There will also be some who just don’t remember or who place no value on one day the cards are in the shops for.

Maybe you and DH can forget their birthdays, see how they like that.

There is no excuse at that age, a card costs a matter of pennies. It’s just pure laziness and selfishness.

Perhaps you and your DH should ‘forget’ their birthdays, etc.

Screw a card, my DH's kids of the same age as OP's haven't even called.. After all the effort, love and attention, parking aside thousands of pounds spent on holidays and birthdays.
There were no arguments, their father was never absent, they are just incredibly selfish and couldn't give a shit on anyone else's feelings.

GreenCrayon

i accept your comment.
however fathers day and mothers day i see as much more optional compared with say a birthday.
some people don't observe them and some people do not care if they are not observed.
what is pertinent here is the idea that the father feels upset (does he?) that fathers day has been fogotten where it appears the children forgot, either accidentially (so there is no meeting of minds in terms of the children knowing what Dad would want - and that is surely a reflection on the parenting) or deliberately forgot (in which case ditto about a mis match parenting wise). I don't think you can rule out failure by the parent.

The idea that children need "reminding" just seems to highlight how important those days are to the parents themselves not the children.

Children don't remember these things, it's the parents that sort it all out.

This just isn't true. My kids remember. I don't remind them. They've taken their dad out for an activity and lunch today.

I haven't reminded them or sorted gifts or cards out since the oldest started secondary school.

The idea that children need "reminding" just seems to highlight how important those days are to the parents themselves not the children.

Isn't that the whole point though? It's a day for the kids to appreciate how much their parents do for them. Is that too much to ask? My husband has ferried them around everywhere since he split with their mum (not his fault, if that's relevant). Even going so far as regularly driving back for stuff they'd forgotten because they seem unable to think for themselves. It makes me angry that they don't appreciate all that.

Jesus no the wife-work is totally getting out of hand here. Now it's the wife's job to also remember and remind all social events of not only her DH, but also his adult children? Also OP; don't forget to remind them when your DHs birthday is, and Christmas...and might as well buy and write and post cards on their behalf, it's not hard, is it..

chocolatesalty

The children you refer to:

• did not ask to be born
• did not ask for their parents to split up
• most likely it is not the children's fault that they have to be "ferried around" - I would be amazed if that is not in part an arrangement or at least a consequence (direct or indirect) that their own parents have split up
• I hope you will be equally angry at the biological children you and your husband have together should they ever forget a mothers day or a fathers day.

Of course all parents do "much" for their children - that is what being a parent entails. As children become adults then they might step back and consider in the context of the adult world the quantum of what their parents did for them over the years but it is possible to do that with remembering what is a largely commercial day invented by the card manufacturers.

Regardless of him saying not to, I think I'd still send them a message. I'd not want my DH to be feeling hurt, so I'd do it for that reason.