Councelling for a child growing up with domestic abuse.

[Aimee1987]

Does anyone know if something like this exists.
We are fairly certain that DSS is living in a home with domestic abuse but dont have enough evidence to remove him ( DP has been to a social services and a solicitor but both said not enough evidence to remove him).
DP has finally admitted that DSS mental health is deteriorated to the point that he needs a counsellor or actual intervention beyond us talking to him but his ex will not concent to this.
My question is is there some sort of councelling service that would help him without mum? Hes preteen if that matters.
Apologies if this isnt the right forum, I wasnt sure where to post.

If he’s pre teen why can’t he tell you what’s happening? Are school involved with support?

School are aware to a certain extent and we talk about telling teacher but he internalised therefore were even unsure what's going on in his other home.

Have you tried bernardos? They supported me as a child and provided counselling, although this was a while a go now. I never did disclose the abuse as I had learned to keep that quiet so don’t be surprised if he doesn’t either

Parent support advisors at schools can arrange counselling

If you have reason to suspect DV then it’s a safeguarding concern.
What do you mean by issues with MH? And how is he internalising?

@PeanutButterFalcon I hadn't thought of bernardos thank you. I'm sorry to hear you had to go though that.

@Saladd0dger Going through school is an issue as I fear mum would try and block ot so was hoping to try and just arrange something on dads time.

@Wolfiefan social service and police have all been involved. He did an anger management course so they have all decided the issue is delt with however I fear its ongoing. Have no proof of this just a hunch based on 100 little things that I dont want to go into detail on as may be revealing.

In terms of MH he suffers with anxiety that is really bad when he first arrives and when he needs to leave but during holidays when we have him for a long time it dissipates. This morning he sat on the sofa with feet under chin refusing to get dressed, took dad a 15 minute conversation for him to admit he had gotten in trouble at home, got details of what he did but not what the punishment was that caused this much of a reaction. This is an ongoing theme any talk of being in trouble especially about step dad means he completly shuts down. He is so scared to try new things in case he makes a mistake, teachers have commented on this. He says he gets in trouble for mistakes on his homework once again no details.
At best you could say this is authoritarian parenting but I fear its worse but we dont know. We do know about some domestic violence so if we start with that we may be able to get to the bottom of the rest but we need actual help.

I would be speaking to school. Definitely. They can say they are concerned re anxiety.
If there is violence happening then counselling isn’t the solution. Not letting him back there is. But you need legal advice and to know what’s going on.

OP is there a court order in place? What custody arrangement do you have?

And also, out of curiosity, did the police or SS do a risk assessment of the step dad - has anyone made any applications under Clare’s Law to see if there’s a history of DV with the partner?

You could contact the DVAP children's service and ask them for advice? They are very good at reading between the lines and gathering information in a non confrontational way without asking leading questions. They also offer a number of counselling sessions I believe.

Hadnt thought of DVAP very helpfull thank you.
@wolfiefan have spoken to 2 solicitors and both say not enough to remove child, this is where perhaps if he opens up more to a registered impartial counselor we may get a bigger picture what if anything is going on. Like I said I suspect but have no proof.
Also the example I gave of him not talking this morning, he was calm and chatty at lunch so casually asked what happened after the issue that got him in trouble. It transpires he got into a fight with his sister over a toy so the toy was confiscated for the evening. When I asked why he got so upset about that he shrugged his shoulders.

Custody is not court arranged but 1 weekday night, EOW fri to mon and half holidays.

@Spandang a risk assessment was carried out but they didnt find any risk which I do not understand at all.
Claire's law was accessed but that information can only be given to the partner so it was given to DSS mum. She said there was nothing but at that point she had chosen to return to live with and was backtracking on everything she had previously said about abuse so hard to know if that's definitely the case.

Ahh I see. What about cahms is it? My DD16 does video call counselling. I have no idea how to set it up through. Her step mum done that. It’s at a set time each week. Maybe ask the gp?

Did you receive a copy of the social services report and did social services call to speak to you, see you at home and explain what’s going on?

Counselling services are available in some schools, but how will you be able to hide it from his mum? Or do you want him referred and are okay with mum knowing about it?

Would zoom Counselling be okay?

My local DV service has a family service which supports children

I've asked school for help when my DS's behaviour and mental health deteriorated in similar situation. They have referred him for counselling and there was someone coming to school to speak to DS once a week.

Ex has completely opposed it and said no one is going to mess around with DS's head and that all counsellors were stupid morons etc. School said they couldn't care less of what ex says and they feel DS needs counselling so it was going ahead as I have, as the parent, agreed. I'm the NRP.

I have been told by our GP that mainly due to covid/ lockdowns and children struggling with this camhs is overloaded and they only take on emergencies such as children with severe anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Still maybe worth asking, it could depend on the area. Either school or GP can refer your DSS.

If you are going to speak to school, you will want to speak to SEN teacher as they will be in the best position to understand and help.

Other than that I would go through private counselling hoping it still can help him in some ways.

Good luck

It sounds like even though there ‘isn’t enough evidence’ you feel strongly that this IS HAPPENING, I would try and put in MH support IMMEDIATELY as what he might be experiencing will affect him, more so if he internalising/hiding it and feeling that is is able to share what he is seeing/hearing.
Could you find counselling/therapy privately for him - he might open up in a space which is confidential for him.

If he is non-verbal or finds it different to article or talk about his experiences - have you considered art or music therapy.

It uses music or art making as the primary mode of communication between child and therapist.

It is very helpful in encouraging children and young people to communicate what they internalise. Some things are too difficult to say out loud, arts therapy encourages the expression of the unspeakable.

Art therapists work in CAMHS, schools and MH services, but also work privately,

BAAT (British Association if Art Therapists) should have a list of private practices as do British Association of music therapists.

All the best - I hope you find help for your DSS.