What is your expectation of a blended family/stepparent

[whatwouldjudydo]

I guess this differs from person to person but interested to get others opinions as I seem to be struggling with the whole concept in my relationship and expectations and comparisons to a normal nuclear family.

A little info me and BF both have children ages between 12- 4 years old. He has his own house and me mine but he stays a few days in the week around both our work commitments. He's met my kids and has a great bond with them as they are there most of the time I see him - they see their dad every week and BF doesn't take on any dad role to them, will occasionally watch them if I need to pop to shop or when I have gone for dinner with friends but I never expect or ask he has always offered and I feel incredibly guilty about it when he does as I don't expect him to at all. He helps round the house when he's here or stays, eg tidies up after dinner, helped have a tidy up of the garden a few diy bits but nothing child related as such. He will come on days out with me and kids when he can (not often as he has his own children most weekends and we haven't introduced both sets together yet), attends family events etc. I have only just met his children due to Covid so so far haven't taken any role in their life apart from joining in a few activities with them.

I think BF is fantastic and does loads to help out, is great with the kids etc and it's easy as such however I guess I mourn for the family I should have had in that everything is 50/50 expected, I have a lot of the emotional stress and although he supports me obviously he doesn't wholeheartedly carry the burden for the kids like I do. I would never expect him to they aren't his children and ex is useless so I guess part of it is me just feeling a bit burnt out and overloaded with responsibility.

I think it sounds like you have the right balance, really, though I appreciate it must be tough for you. It's nice of him to help you out, and very good that you are grateful for it (as many do not show that courtesy, and should.)

OP. It sounds as though you are feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility that comes with being a single parent.

I think that is a issue to be resolved with no expectations of your romantic partner.

It does not sound as though you are anywhere near the point that you should be thinking of what you have as a possible blended family.
Before you even remotely think in terms of blended responsibility and expectations, it seems as though you need to become comfortable in your skin as a single parent who has to be solely responsible for your own children.

You may need professional help to reach that stage, but until you feel comfortable and less stressed as a single parent, there is very little by way of positives that you have to bring to a blended situation.

Neither a partner nor a blended situation is the solution to the stress that you are feeling. It is stressful being a single parent with an irresponsible ex, but that becomes a problem with you have to learn to cope.

You cannot think of your current situation as a family. You are not living together and if you have only recently met his children there is nothing to suggest that they or even he is ready to think in terms of blending your situations.

You should step back and wait to see how this relationship evolves.

There’s a lot going on your post.

Re the grieving of the loss of the family that you feel you should have had? I think that is quite common. Certainly I went through that. I’ve now been separated/ divorced for 5+ years and theee are still some days when I look at my situation and feel sad. My life is not what I planned for. But for me, the feeling passes quite quickly. (I’ve had counselling post my separation).

Re your emotional load? Yes it is hard. Feeling that the buck stops with you now on all fronts is quite an overwhelming feeling. Financially, logistically etc. Running a home alone is hard work. As is doing the bulk of the parenting / school runs etc.

You don’t say how old your children are, but there is a huge difference between parenting a 4 year old and a 12 year old. Mine are teen/ pre teen and I can honestly say it has gotten so much easier. It does get easier as they get older (in my experience) - as they can also start helping themselves with chores (my eldest can now cut the lawn for example and does for pocket money).

So it won’t always be this hard.

In terms of expectations, please read some of the threads on here for people who have attempted to blend or are blending. It is not an easy situation. By any means. Blending is not a magic bullet, it requires a lot of compromise, strong communication skills and (honestly?) time to see if it is even the right scenario for both families (especially the children).

I’m not going to lie, your set up sounds ideal. But I can say that as I’m operating from a place of strength and I wouldn’t even think about blending / living with someone now until my children are grown up. I also (selfishly) have no need to share my home with someone else’s children.

What I can remember post separation (pre counselling) is feeling how you are feeling. I then met my ex and in hindsight was desperate to recreate a ‘family’. I think it was more for me (I can also align with the emotional overwhelmed/ loss of my family). What Can i advise? Give it time, I have adjusted to my divorce. I love time with just my children and I. I feel utterly complete when it’s just us (at home relaxing, going on holiday etc). It takes time to adjust, it’s important to grieve your loss. But this feeling (in my experience) does not last.

I think your set up sounds ideal. It sounds like the person you have met is stable himself. It’s lovely that he helps you the way he does. And he sounds very boundaried with your children - it’s not his place to do anything ‘father’ related with your children. That may come with time, it may not.

Personally I wouldn’t rush anything and I would work on yourself. Loss of family unit is huge, don’t rush to replace it with something new x

Thanks everyone for your input, I am not rushing to blend us all together at all (because I'm not really sure how to do it best hence this post and am also a massive over-thinker) and so we are taking things slowly in that respect. That's why I've only just met his children and we have been together for a while, we also are not thinking of moving in for at least another two years minimum as we have spoken about this a few times. We would eventually like to though but it depends on so many factors.

I think yes I am most definitely feeling overwhelmed at the moment, it's just been a tough few weeks for me as ex has been sporadic with contact and then I have been working very long hours this week and juggling childcare, prepping for the next day when I get home etc think and it's made me reflect on just how tough it can be. I am normally quite content in my single mum role but I think having to rely on so many people this week to help with the children I've found tough (I am very lucky I have a great support network of family and friends) and I just feeling tired also.

Sounds like most people are saying not to rush and that is what we plan to do. The guy I am with is amazing, he surprises me at every obstacle and he is very calm and patient. He is very easy and open to talk and communicate with which is a lot of the reason why I think this will go the distance because of anything comes up we can discuss it properly.

I guess I am still mourning the loss of the family unit to a certain extent, definitely not of my ex and I was much happier single and content single and this guy just happened to come along and everything kind of just fell into place so easily with him. I guess because I wasn't really expecting anything serious and to feel this way about someone I'm still just getting my head round it a bit even over a year on. As I said I overthink and I want it to work and want to be thoughtful to all children on the situation. If it meant we didn't live together until they are all grown up then we would do that as it's working well now having separate houses and we could afford to. It would be nice to live together and better financially too pool resources in the future but we both agree the kids come first so it would all depend on that.

I'd like to just say I am in no way trying to replace the DC dad with him, or recreate the family unit with him as a dad figure. He isn't the DC dad and they have their albeit useless dad in their lives. He is just my BF and a good fun friend to them and I guess a role model to the kids in the same way my children have with my dad, brother and friends to an extent.

Hi OP.

I am a widowed parent and have been since before DD2 was born. 7 years on and I'm completely exhausted with everything being on me. I'm burnt out.

My partner moved in last March, he has no kids. On a practical level he does about 20-30 percent maybe of kid care, if you include meals, lifts etc. He commutes daily whereas I don't do he can't do school runs.,

His practical help is welcome but he's not dad, he'll never be able to truly share the emotional load.

Sounds like your set up is a good one, and moving at a pace to suit the children. I personally don't think the term "blended" is very helpful as it sort of implies you just become one family and it's all a seemless family. My reality is that my step children are in a set of overlapping families. So it is important that you and your children and your partner and his children are allowed the time and space to be your own family units with no pressure to all be one unit at all times. This sounds like what you are doing, it will get tricker if you move in but as long as it isn't forced the relationships will evolve naturally.

Also, don't expect your partner to do anything to help with your kids and don't let him expect you to do things for his. If you offer that is absolutely fine but any reciprocal childcare arrangement needs to be discussed before hand.

@whatwouldjudydo one thing that divorce, dating, being with exdp for over 5 years & then splitting has taught me is that once you separate from/divorce your children's father you will always be a single parent no matter how good your ex is or whether you have a partner or not.
If you have a partner who doesn't have dc he will never (as a pp said) truly 'get' what being a parent involves & if you have a partner with dc then he will always prioritise his own dc & no matter how 'normal' things may feel when they are not around, once they are the household dynamic totally shifts.
I very much get where you're coming from; the loss of the traditional family unit & the ensuing single parenting can be overwhelming & exhausting.
Thing is you do find a rhythm & it does get easier. I was in a great rhythm as a single parent until I met exdp. Like you, he, I & my dc got on great but when his dc got added into the mix everything got upended (for various reasons) & I found myself very overwhelmed & unhappy. The week would go from feeling relatively 'normal' to being chaotic & full of drama within days & exdp's attention would totally shift off me & our life together the minute his dc turned up. I got this - but it didn't make it any easier. Silly stuff like him promising to fix something in the house but then not doing so because he didn't have time just reinforced my levels of self sufficiency & that I would never really be able to rely on him so long as his dc were still dependents. I would advise you to keep your mental & physical space for you & your dc (no matter how tired & exhausted you may get) & stay moving very slowly. Once I accepted that my relationship could never be like those of my traditionally married friends things got easier in my head but no easier at his end, hence the split.
Single parenting is extremely hard and I say that as someone with a decent exh.

Thanks everyone for your input! I 100% agree blending is not the right word, I love the term of overlapping families! Even if we did eventually live together I would still want us to do things separately with our own children, when my parents divorced and my dad met someone new a few years later I struggled with him always bringing her as I wasn't fully comfortable and couldn't open up to him as much, I was a teen so spoke to him about it but I feel strongly the children should have time independently with us as individuals. It's all about getting a good balance. I am also very aware when we introduce the kids together it could all go wrong as if they are not happy with each other that will throw a spanner in the works and we would have to keep everyone separate.

I think I struggle more on days out when he is there tbh! I am used to it being me and the children and am comfortable on my own with them. He enjoys coming on days out with us where as I question is he happy coming out doing kids things when he could be doing anything and making the most of his child free time where as if he was their dad obv would expect him to have come. I guess I just didn't really know what's normal to expect but really everyone has their own opinion and we just have to figure it out between us and in the best interests of us all to get a balance we are happy with!