I am fed up of being controlled by dh ex

[StarryNight468]

My dh is a lovely man but weak. He is terrified of contact being stopped but won't get a CO and put down boundaries. Instead he tries in one way to put down boundaries and then backtracks when the the inevitable occurs.

His ds (8) was conceived in a 3 week fling by accident and they tried to make it work but it didn't. She's very high conflict and controlling, and so is dh if I'm honest. Before we got married this wasn't apparent. Since we've been married her conflict has escalated, she headbutted dh a few weeks ago, he went to the police but as there was no firm evidence they advised him not to pursue it. He's now started taking her eldest ds to work with him which just gives more room and opportunity for additional conflict. She has also made malicious complaints to ss about dh and me recently.

Since we've been married it's been a source of conflict between me and dh that he allows her to control us. He gets very defensive but I just can't understand why he doesn't want to protect our family. Dss is witnessing a lot of the conflict between dh and ex, either at pick up or is around his mum when she rings dh and screams at him. It's utterly ridiculous that dh joins in with the drama and I don't understand why. I also spoke to a friend who is a child protection sw and he advised drastic action was needed due to the emotional crap dss is witnessing.

I've been in counselling since February, I've been believing that its all her but today I've realised its him as well. Dh is choosing to be involved in the drama - ie she doesn't want him to get out the car when picking dss up, but he gets out the car, he is the one bringing all of the additional stress from her into our lives. I actually don't need to put up with it, I can leave and be free from a man still caught up in an ongoing cycle of drama, I have my own career, house and dc, I don't need to be with a man who can't put down boundaries and respect others.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting, I suppose the epiphany of not having to be with a man with a high conflict ex and child has finally hit me. It doesn't really matter how many nice things he does for me, or the nice times we have. His relationship with dss dm overshadows all of that and thats because he allows it. I deserve more.

It is the tension and arguments caused by their conflict that overshadows everything. You're spot on with the emotional entanglement.

My leaving plan isn't clear cut - I do want to save some money before the split. I'll need to buy a new mattress and want to make sure I've got a bit of a nest egg to fall back on, not loads but a few k.

I'm going to concentrate on saving up and not arguing with him about anything, his business with his conflict is nothing to do with me. I'm going to make sure I stay sane with exercise, counselling and seeing friends whilst I save like mad for a few months (cash obvs). I will give myself a deadline to get him out, and just do what I can in the meantime to stay sane.

Yup, the emotional entanglement between some exes is very interesting. They hide behind the mask of ‘but it’s for the children’ and actually continue their emotional connection via conflict (citing that it’s for the children). That level of unhealthy dysfunction (that I think predates any separation between the parties) can very easily dominate. High conflict / dysfunctional relationships are far more addictive than healthy/ normal/ balanced relationships.

So both parties remain entrenched in their too and fro. The person on the sidelines (normally the new partner) is aghast at such behaviour and often times thinks that they can help. Because they themselves are not dysfunctional.

IME what then ends up happening can be utterly disastrous. With no chance of a healthy, calm relationship thriving. There’s no room to compete emotionally with an ex that is batshit crazy. Unless you yourself turn batshit crazy (and that is where it’s really messed up as the the dysfunction between the ex and the partner becomes the dysfunction between you and your partner).

Now that I’m out, I can see it all. And I was a problem in it too. I allowed their dysfunction to permeate my relationship and impact my behaviour. That won’t happen again. With anyone.

If your mind is made up, detach from it all. He talks about her? Just respond with one word responses. Something happens? Don’t engage. Just emotionally shut off from his drama and focus on yourself. I’m not going to lie, I miss my ex. But I am so much happier in myself and in my day to day life. There’s no part of his shit show that I miss.

I hope it all works out for you @sassbott I'm not sure that I can be that mature. My own childhood issues left me with abandonment challenges and it feels to me I've married my dad trying to get my husband to stand up and protect me like my dad couldn't do, so I'm constantly ending up back feeling those feelings again. I've had a lot of counselling over the years to get over my childhood, unfortunately each time I feel dh doesn't protect us from his baggage it feels like my dad leaving me again. It's really not good for me and I can see my own behaviours becoming unhealthy as I try to cope with those feelings.

I am not built to be a second to someone else. I won't ever be able to compete with their level of crazy and I don't want too.

I’m really sorry @StarryNight468 you got to that stage in your relationship. It makes you feel so helpless and frustrated to see the whole dynamic unraveling in front of your eyes. Not only that, you are often scapegoated as the one who is not patient/understanding/supportive enough.
I left when this toxicity carried over onto the older DSD (18) and she started copying her DMs damaging behaviours and attitude towards me that was never corrected by then DH. I’ve realised it’s only going to get worse.
We should never feel alone and invalidated in a relationship.
I wish you the best of luck.

OP, you can only be controlled by the ex if you surrender control of what happens in your house to the ex. She can rant and rave , but she is nor entering your house and expect through a Court Order ,she cannot force you to do anything.

You may be ceding control to her, but that then becomes your decision.

You are correct in saying that but for your husband, you would not know any of the vitriol that this woman spouts. She is certainly not coming into your home saying any of this to you. It is your husband who is unnecessarily sharing this information.

Obviously, he gets off on the drama , and conflict mat be their language of communication.

You do not need to be protected from their nonsense; you need to let him know that what is said between them about their child should remain between the 2_of them. It adds nothing to your relationship with him or with life as it functions in your household.

I would not try to point out any of their dysfunctional behaviors. I would simply let him know that you respect their right to behave towards each other as they choose, but that you want no role in their melodrama.

Your current reaction may be feeding into his obvious need to create drama. He is managing to alienate not 1 but 2 women, and he is getting his need for drama fulfilled from multiple sources.

He seems to be high maintenance , and it is understandable that you are rethinking your relationship with him.

@Malena77 thank you, you would have thought at 18 you reached freedom from the ex. One of my previous thoughts was just hanging in till 18 but its not that simple.

@Tiredoftattler I do see your POV but I am being controlled by her through dh. Dh could stop it but he doesn't, she doesn't like something, they argue and dh gives in to frankly ridiculous demands which directly and sometimes indirectly effect me and my dc. I can't make dh stand firm, he chooses to give in. I also have valid concerns for his child, if it was my child I would take steps to get him the help he needs and protect him, dh doesn't as he doesn't want to he seen as the bad guy. This might be my issue but his weakness irritates me and I've lost respect for him.

All I will say it is damn expensive getting a court order especially if she is very confrontational about it

My DH never brought the ex-wife drama home. I have never met her as she is highly confrontational and strange.

It’s said he can’t do the same for his sons sake and your marriage.