I am fed up of being controlled by dh ex

hulahoopqueen · 15/06/2021 13:39

You're totally right, you do deserve more.

Is he aware that you've so sincerely considered ending the relationship?

Inthesameboatatmo · 15/06/2021 13:41

Do you have any children together?
It will never get better I would give dh a firm ultimatum and if nothing changes I would leave .

30degreesandmeltinghere · 15/06/2021 13:44

The best day was when I threw exh out and the realisation his ex was no longer a factor in my life..
Ltb op. It will never get any better...
Such a spinelss man isn't an attractive one..

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/06/2021 13:48

You’ve realised you’re worth more than this and you’re so very right. Take this probably painful but equally useful realisation and take steps to set yourself free. Divorce is way better than a shit marriage, I’ve been there in different circumstances and I cannot tell you the relief of just getting the fuck out.

What practical things do you need in place to get things moving?

TwinsAndTrifle · 15/06/2021 13:50

Yup. She's only the problem he allows her to be.

Court is the obvious answer, where they both have a set up laid out, stick to it, and you can get on with your lives. She headbutted him fgs. And yet he wants to engage with her instead.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/06/2021 14:00

@StarryNight468

My dh is a lovely man but weak. He is terrified of contact being stopped but won't get a CO and put down boundaries. Instead he tries in one way to put down boundaries and then backtracks when the the inevitable occurs.

His ds (8) was conceived in a 3 week fling by accident and they tried to make it work but it didn't. She's very high conflict and controlling, and so is dh if I'm honest. Before we got married this wasn't apparent. Since we've been married her conflict has escalated, she headbutted dh a few weeks ago, he went to the police but as there was no firm evidence they advised him not to pursue it. He's now started taking her eldest ds to work with him which just gives more room and opportunity for additional conflict. She has also made malicious complaints to ss about dh and me recently.

Since we've been married it's been a source of conflict between me and dh that he allows her to control us. He gets very defensive but I just can't understand why he doesn't want to protect our family. Dss is witnessing a lot of the conflict between dh and ex, either at pick up or is around his mum when she rings dh and screams at him. It's utterly ridiculous that dh joins in with the drama and I don't understand why. I also spoke to a friend who is a child protection sw and he advised drastic action was needed due to the emotional crap dss is witnessing.

I've been in counselling since February, I've been believing that its all her but today I've realised its him as well. Dh is choosing to be involved in the drama - ie she doesn't want him to get out the car when picking dss up, but he gets out the car, he is the one bringing all of the additional stress from her into our lives. I actually don't need to put up with it, I can leave and be free from a man still caught up in an ongoing cycle of drama, I have my own career, house and dc, I don't need to be with a man who can't put down boundaries and respect others.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting, I suppose the epiphany of not having to be with a man with a high conflict ex and child has finally hit me. It doesn't really matter how many nice things he does for me, or the nice times we have. His relationship with dss dm overshadows all of that and thats because he allows it. I deserve more.

"My dh is a lovely man but weak."

"She's very high conflict and controlling, and so is dh if I'm honest."

Only one of these statements can be true. He can't be lovely if he is high conflict and controlling. You also say that "Dh is choosing to be involved in the drama" - again, not a sign that he's a lovely man.

"Since we've been married it's been a source of conflict between me and dh that he allows her to control us"
I'm not sure 'allows' is the right word here. I wonder if he actually revels in it, because without her there would be less drama - and he chooses to be involved in the drama. Behaves in a way to make the drama inevitable (getting out of the car).

"I've been believing that its all her but today I've realised its him as well."
That must have felt like a punch to the guts.

You do deserve more. And you don't need to put up with it. I would leave.

RedMarauder · 15/06/2021 14:15

Since we've been married it's been a source of conflict between me and dh that he allows her to control us. He gets very defensive but I just can't understand why he doesn't want to protect our family.

Your husband likes the high drama he's involved in. If he wanted to sort it out he would have.

Dss is witnessing a lot of the conflict between dh and ex, either at pick up or is around his mum when she rings dh and screams at him. It's utterly ridiculous that dh joins in with the drama and I don't understand why. I also spoke to a friend who is a child protection sw and he advised drastic action was needed due to the emotional crap dss is witnessing.

Are you happy being complicit in watching and allowing two parents abuse their child?

Your husband isn't going to change, and if you have children with him your children's lives will be terrible due to the conflict and abuse around them.

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN

To echo PP you need to leave as you deserve better.

Original poster

StarryNight468 · 15/06/2021 14:15

I havent told dh this yet. I've only just come to the realisation that he won't change as he also gets something from their conflict or he wouldn't keep going back for more of it.

I will work out a leaving plan, I've finally had enough and I feel it inside me that I've had enough and he won't look after us as he should do. He isn't able to not get involved, something in him keeps pulling him back to control and win with her. I can't put up with it anymore and I feel for the first time that I don't have to. He isn't my last chance to find love or to have a happy life, I was happy single before we got together. The whole time we've been married I've been feeling like it's my problem, that I've been struggling because I'm jealous or not cut out to be married to someone with dc, but actually it's him and not me with the problem!

OP posts:

RedMarauder · 15/06/2021 14:17

The whole time we've been married I've been feeling like it's my problem, that I've been struggling because I'm jealous or not cut out to be married to someone with dc, but actually it's him and not me with the problem!

I hope he wasn't telling you or implying it is your fault he can't put boundaries in place with his son's mother.

Original poster

StarryNight468 · 15/06/2021 14:21

I'm definitely not having dc with this man!

It's like I've been dragged into a Jeremy Kyle show and poor dss has emotional problems because of both of them. He doesn't feel safe and secure with either parent and dh doesn't do what he needs to do as a parent to protect his child. I've lost all respect for him tbh.

And he has blamed me, he's told me he feels that getting married to me is the reason she's like she is with him...

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AnneLovesGilbert · 15/06/2021 14:38

Well then he’s a nasty prick. You didn’t cause any of this.

Please please leave him love, it’s the only way you’ll get the happy life you deserve.

Malena77 · 15/06/2021 15:23

I was you (at least in certain aspects of the situation you describe) until a few weeks ago when I finally had enough and left.
These men never change. You’ll end up being ‘the problem’ as you don’t want to put up with all this nonsense and see it for what it is.
Your time & emotions matter. Look after yourself.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/06/2021 16:58

So glad to hear you don't have children with him! When you said "I just can't understand why he doesn't want to protect our family" I wrongly assumed you did.

That poor child .

30degreesandmeltinghere · 15/06/2021 17:59

I actively encouraged my dh to have the snip. I didn't want to risk being more enmeshed in his exes life by our dc sharing a df..

nimbuscloud · 15/06/2021 18:01

Your own children will end up empty damaged if you don’t leave this man.

nimbuscloud · 15/06/2021 18:01

Emotionally. Not empty.

romdowa · 15/06/2021 18:06

Well done for realising what a shit show the situation is before having dc with this man. Extract yourself from the situation and go live your life hassle free and leave the pair of them to mess their child up even more.

funinthesun19 · 15/06/2021 18:17

The best day was when I threw exh out and the realisation his ex was no longer a factor in my life..

One of the best feelings ever! When my ex left, it was the day I got rid of his ex wife and her drama and her unreasonable expectations of me.

Original poster

StarryNight468 · 15/06/2021 18:59

I feel like it's all just slotted into place in my mind today. None of us have to put up with the issues projected onto us.

I am not perfect, we all have our own baggage that we bring to a relationship, but I am self aware enough to know when I'm or I've projected and take ownership of that. Dh projects his guilt and anger at dss dm onto me, it's not my fault, I didnt do anything wrong, I'm not unreasonable to expect dh to set boundaries and avoid conflict with his ex, I'm not unreasonable to feel frustrated at the situation that isn't of my making and the shitshow of parenting. Dh tries on a surface level to be a good parent but emotionally he's not, he isn't able to make a boundary and take himself away from the conflict. In his mind he has to have dss grow up and think his dm is the bad parent and dh is the good parent, she's also caught up in the cycle of being dss favourite parent and neither of them parent particularly well. I can see the damage the pair of them are doing and each one blames the other.

I feel free, now I just need to talk to dh when dc aren't around and sort out him moving out. He isn't going to like it, but I don't like living my life like this anymore!

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StayCalm99 · 15/06/2021 19:02

She headbutted him and the police told him NOT to pursue that?!!

Original poster

StarryNight468 · 15/06/2021 19:04

@StayCalm99 the police officer told him that any good solicitor would tell her to say the mark was on his nose before she saw him and it would be his word against hers so it was up to him if he wanted to pursue it and the chaos it could bring. I don't understand it either.

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RedMarauder · 15/06/2021 20:00

@StayCalm99

She headbutted him and the police told him NOT to pursue that?!!

The police officers are members of society so have all the prejudices and bigotry general society has.

If you haven't noticed before if you look at the news today you will realise it is a top down issue.

sassbott · 15/06/2021 20:16

@StarryNight468, have you considered a halfway house? A temporary separation?

I dated my exp for years (never married or cohabited) and he had an exceptionally high conflict ex wife. Like you, I gradually started to realise that he was just as implicit in emotional entanglement between the two of them as she was. One person can create conflict but it only flares up time and again if another party feeds it oxygen/ bites. When conflict remains high between two people, it leaves next to no room for healthy/ normal/ grounded relationships to thrive.

It’s also very common in these scenarios for projection onto the nearest target (normally the partner). My exp (when conflict with his ex was at the worse) would deflect and tell me I was the issue.

I ended the relationship, removed myself from their conflict and told him to get into counselling to process his issues / coping mechanisms as a result of his/ her conflict. I gave the situation time and space, for my sanity and for his (to be honest).

What’s happened? He went to counselling and can see the damage she (and he) was inflicting on our relationship. Firmer boundaries are in place (apparently) between him and her. He (critically) could see how he let her conflict interfere with his relationship with me.

From my side, removing myself from the nonsense allowed my stress levels to plummet. With some space I was also able to see how my own behaviour was contributing to the overall dynamic/ stress between him and I.

Many many months later, he and I remain in touch. He’s in a better place as am I. His children and his exwife are not my issue. And one of the things I’m super clear about is that if he and I reconcile, we will never have a shared FT home (until his children are adults). Issues around his ex/ his children will not be my problem. If we can focus on our adult intimate relationship (without his exes / child issues punctuating our lives), it could work.

I’m just throwing a halfway house out there

Original poster

StarryNight468 · 15/06/2021 21:44

I hear what you're saying @sassbott but I think I'm over it now. If he was going to be a decent husband and father he would be already. I shouldn't have to teach him how to not bring shit into our lives.

A few months ago I was really upset about the intrusion in my life from whatever drama that was going on at that moment. He promised me she wouldn't interfere in our lives anymore and that he would not get involved in any of it, it hasn't lasted and now I'm left with broken promises and an inability to trust him to stick to what he says.

I feel like I've given this marriage my best shot, I've tried so hard working on myself in counselling too - but he hasn't tried really. He's just given lipservice to trying and my respect for him has gone.

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sassbott · 15/06/2021 22:22

I hear you and I totally understand.

When you put yourself back out there into these committed relationships and the men simply cannot protect and prioritise you - it’s awful.

I will say this, since the split my life and my home are peaceful. I don’t miss any part of his drama. I don’t miss the arguments / tension caused by a high conflict ex. I don’t miss being told that somehow, in his crazy world, I had become the problem.

I don’t regret (for even a minute) ending things to regain my life and my sanity (and I don’t say that lightly). If I try again (and that’s a huge if), it’s with very clear boundaries.