Worried for SD's well-being

[Bertie97]

Hi everyone, I am a stepmum to my lovely SD12, Me and my partner are worried for her well-being when she is not with us. Her mother is complete control freak and I would even go as far to say I genuinely believe she has some sort of mental health issues (bi-polar perhaps?) she has to have control over my SD's life 24/7 and is obsessed with trying to make mine and my partners life miserable. My SD is coming to the age now where she will be starting her period soon and has needed a bra for almost a year now. I waited months before buying any for her as I didn't want to overstep my mark in buying her first bra and upsetting her mum. After 8 months of waiting, I assumed she would have been bought some by now so I bought her one to keep at our house for when she visits so that she always has a change of clothes. Well, this didn't sit well with BM at all and I received a really shitty message telling me not to buy them as she "doesn't need them at her age and why was I trying to make her grow up faster than she needs to?" Contradicted immediately after as BM said "she's only just started to need them" so does she or doesn't she?...

Now we come to this week, as I was packing her bag for her to go home, I noticed in her laundry that her underwear looked like she may be starting her period. I subtly showed her where she can find all the pads/wipes etc in our bathroom if she ever needs them and told her she can always talk to me if she ever needs anything, no need to be embarrassed or anything - which she was very appreciative of. I'm just worried that if we mention it to BM she may get shitty again saying I've overstepped the mark in that department too, but the way I see it is if she needs it, she needs it!
SD also never wants to leave our house to go home and has made statements about her home life which just don't really sit well with myself and my fiancé. Such as having her SIM card removed from her phone, countless numbers (including mine and my fiancé's) being blocked on her phone so she can't contact us as well as her stepdad at home calling her names etc.

Any advice/suggestions in this area would be super helpful xx

Your SD is at an age where she can legally choose which parent that she wants to live with. However I understand that she might not be able to tell a CAFCASS officer that she'd rather be at Dad's so it's very difficult.

Is contact 50/50? Do you live close enough to her mum that this could be possible?

@TotorosCatBus

Your SD is at an age where she can legally choose which parent that she wants to live with. However I understand that she might not be able to tell a CAFCASS officer that she'd rather be at Dad's so it's very difficult.

Is contact 50/50? Do you live close enough to her mum that this could be possible?

The court order was put in place around 10 years ago now for joint custody but nothing was ever really said about how long she stays with us for. It started as every other weekend and the court said they expected it to become more in time but nothing was ever strictly written as to how much. We live 10 minutes away so would be easy to have her 50/50 but without court intervention it just wouldn't happen, we barely get her every other weekend like we should x I just hope SD has the courage to decide what she wants x

That's the hard bit- children in situations like your sd often don't want to hurt their parent's feelings even though her feelings should be prioritised

Has your h considered going the legal route?

@Bertie97

Hi everyone, I am a stepmum to my lovely SD12, Me and my partner are worried for her well-being when she is not with us. Her mother is complete control freak and I would even go as far to say I genuinely believe she has some sort of mental health issues (bi-polar perhaps?) she has to have control over my SD's life 24/7 and is obsessed with trying to make mine and my partners life miserable. My SD is coming to the age now where she will be starting her period soon and has needed a bra for almost a year now. I waited months before buying any for her as I didn't want to overstep my mark in buying her first bra and upsetting her mum. After 8 months of waiting, I assumed she would have been bought some by now so I bought her one to keep at our house for when she visits so that she always has a change of clothes. Well, this didn't sit well with BM at all and I received a really shitty message telling me not to buy them as she "doesn't need them at her age and why was I trying to make her grow up faster than she needs to?" Contradicted immediately after as BM said "she's only just started to need them" so does she or doesn't she?...

Now we come to this week, as I was packing her bag for her to go home, I noticed in her laundry that her underwear looked like she may be starting her period. I subtly showed her where she can find all the pads/wipes etc in our bathroom if she ever needs them and told her she can always talk to me if she ever needs anything, no need to be embarrassed or anything - which she was very appreciative of. I'm just worried that if we mention it to BM she may get shitty again saying I've overstepped the mark in that department too, but the way I see it is if she needs it, she needs it!
SD also never wants to leave our house to go home and has made statements about her home life which just don't really sit well with myself and my fiancé. Such as having her SIM card removed from her phone, countless numbers (including mine and my fiancé's) being blocked on her phone so she can't contact us as well as her stepdad at home calling her names etc.

Any advice/suggestions in this area would be super helpful xx

You seem like the step mum made of dreams (I know it's not easy) if you can potentially have her more or maybe you could try the courts if that's what she wants.

You can't put the responsibility and decision all on DSD. If she wants to come around to yours more then encourage it and say DH will sort it with her Mum.

Can she come around after school for tea and still go home to sleep so the "overnights" don't change?

Perhaps you should discuss your concerns about her home life with NSPCC and see if they meet the threshold for safe guarding concerns. Alternatively you could also report your concerns to the school.