How would you deal with DSD cheekiness?

[MyWindowsNeedCleaning]

Before anyone starts bashing, I love DSD (7 years old) and think 90% of the time she is great. I don't really discipline her, I leave it to her dad but occasionally I do have her on my own but she's started to be really cheeky when DP isn't around.

For example, DP went into the shop and DSD is sat in the back, she leans through the headrest and playfully pulls my hair calling me "lady elephant" over and over.

She definitely knows that I've never disciplined her and left it to her parents but I'm not having a 7 year old saying whatever she likes to me when her dad isn't around.

@TheSockMonster great advice!

Thanks @FindingMeno

It’s worked well for us.

I think "cheeky" is really downplaying the behaviour you've detailed, she sounds flat out rude.

Ok playing devil's advocate here but at her age her mentioning an elephant could just be that she likes them, or just been learning about them at school? Who knows what's going through a child that age's brain, they're full of imagination. I don't think many kids that age are preparing insults about weight in their minds - if that's how you took it.

You said the hair thing was 'playful' too. I bet if you did bring it up she'd have forgotten all about it.

@Tiredoftattler

Why assume that their was some malicious or disrespectful intent? Why not ask the child why she called you that? it could easily be as simple as having seen or heard someone on the tv or someone with long hair called by that name or some other childish association.

You are the adult and she is only 7 years old. All of the power in that situation is vested in you. At this juncture , there is no reason to involve her father. You are perfectly capable of having a conversation with a 7year old to determine what motivated her words and actions and to let her know that you would prefer that she not do or say that again.

If you feel incapable of dealing with an issue with a 7 year old without feeling angry or disrespected , perhaps you should tell your partner that you are not comfortable in being left alone with the child.

You say that she was playfully pulling your hair . That does seem like a particularly disrespectful action or something ill intentioned.

Sorry missed this previous post - but I think the same.

It's definitely not her just talking about elephants. Im far too nice with her but even im getting to that point where it's downright rude.

Another example, I had my hair done after lockdown. DP said "do you like MyWindows hair DSD?" And she responded "no. it's horrible". Over and over.

He made her apologise. Fair enough if she genuinely doesn't like my hair but she knows better than to be unkind to people.

@Ffs2020 this is my point, I wouldn't accept them from any other child so why should I accept it from her. I spoil her for her birthday, Christmas, days out etc. I should be treated with a bit more respect.

this is my point, I wouldn't accept them from any other child so why should I accept it from her.

You shouldn't accept it from her.

You can turn these things round on kids and say how would you like it if I did that you?

Or if someone at school did this you, how would you feel?

And a follow up, of I've noticed you tend to misbehave when your dad isn't here? Why.

All said in a calm, non threatening tone.

Nothing wrong with saying, I treat you nicely and do lots of things, like spoil you for your birthday and buy treats...if you carry being rude to me, I won't do those things anymore.

This is what I said when one of my DDs was going through a cheeky phase. I basically told her that I would provide what I should as a parent...food, clothes etc...but she wouldn't get any treats from me when her sister did. This is my daughter, who I love unconditionally...so I certainly wouldn't take that nonsense from a SC

You're not her parent, but as an adult companion you still have boundaries . She's testing them out. You don't need to wait for DP to draw your line in the sand.

As soon as she goes too far just say, right away, very straight and simple " That's too cheeky, Susan " "Don't be unkind" " That is a rude name".

Sometimes as adults we send mixed messages to children. We tell them to always tell the truth, but we do not tell them how to dissemble. If your partner did not know what she thought of your hairstyle, it was absurd to ask her to comment.

My sister was always a very literal thinker, and she would always respond honestly to any question. My mother would often scold her when she felt an answer to be less than polite. It was my older brother who explained to us that when in doubt we should always say that someone or something was "nice." no matter what we thought. He was 3 years older than my sister, and in his 9 year old wisdom he had learned that you never got in trouble by responding with " it is nice" or " she looks nice " even when it was obviously not true.

In the OP's situation, I would be far more concerned about a 7 year old being reared in an environment where they are so comfortable and conversant with the meaning o!f the giving the finger gesture that they have learned to modify and nuance the gesture. That is far from normal behavior for a 7 year old, and I would hope that this is not part of what the child sees and experiences on a regular basis.

To me that is far more concerning than an honest but insensitive answer by a 7 year old child.

I cannot imagine any of the 7 year olds that I know having even the vaguest concept of the meaning of the giving the finger gesture or knowing how to modify the gesture so as not to get in trouble. To what kind of environment is this child being exposed?

I've been a stepmom to DSD since she was around 4 1/2. I agree with other posters that suggest viewing it as setting boundaries with how people treat you in general.

Phrases that worked for me were along the lines of:

"No thank you. I don't like having my hair pulled [or other behavior that crosses a personal boundary]."

☝️ Low and firm tone of voice. High and shouty fed into things and escalated.

"Don't speak to me like that. I would never speak to you like that."

☝️ low and firm again, and also invoking golden rule / empathy.

I came down hard on things like giving us The Vs, but it happened at an age when she was far too little to understand what she'd done. At this point, if my own cheeky 7 y.o. DD was pretending to flip me the bird by pointing her index finger to me (😂) I think I'd just turn it into a "don't you look silly". Like "Huh. Whatcha pointing at?" And if she giggled as though she had the upper hand, I'd take it further. Either make it a silly game about what could possibly be on the ceiling, or shut it down with an "Uh ... weird 🤨". But in that case, I wouldn't give the intent the time of day. She can talk to me about feeling angry with me later, when she has the words.

My DSD is 15 now. I still leave some discipline to DH, but it's more for things like keeping her room clean, and things like confiscating her phone if she blows us off on that. Speaking to each other decently, and apologies if we lose our cool, are part of learning to live together as far as I can see it.

Is it possible she thought a ponytail dangling from a woman's head just in front of her looked like an elephant's trunk?? That's something my two DDs (7 and 4) would do in one of their sillier moments.

This is what I was thinking ! Or even an elephant's tail?

I find it hard to believe a child would be malicious like that.

I find it hard to believe a child would be malicious like that.

I wouldn't be all that surprised to learn that "elephant" is a common insult at school, tbh. I certainly remember "whale" being when I was!

You need to treat this like a child who has come round on a play date. It's fine to tell her off then yo tell her father what she said when he returns.

Just tell her dad so he can tell her off

I'd expect whatever adult was left alone to supervise a child to discipline them.

If my dd is with my sister I'd expect her to tell her off for that
If she's with my mum I'd expect her to tell her off with that
If she's left with one of my friends while I nip out to a shop I'd expect her to tell her not to do that
Why should a SM be any different?

It's almost like SM's avoid doing what would be expected of any other adult supervising a child in case it makes them less popular.

@kiddo5467
You are correct. When my nieces and nephews are left with me and or my kids have friends visiting, I do not hesitate to say to them that a given action or behavior is not permitted in my house. I do not consider it to be disciplining or imposing consequences. I simply tell them what can or cannot happen, and I have never had a parent or child object. My children too are taught to listen to the adult in whose charge and care that they may be left.

I do not feel the need to discipline anyone anyone's child, but I see no reason not to exert normal control of a situation.

I do not jump to conclusions about the motivations behind every action of a child and I do not assume that every action had some nefarious or malicious intent, but I have no hesitancy in saying that curtain actions cannot occur or re-occur when I am left in charge of children.

It's almost like SM's avoid doing what would be expected of any other adult supervising a child in case it makes them less popular.

I agree - but we do face enormous pressure to do so by people on forums like this, and often from the parent of the child as well, so is it really any wonder?

I don't think this is the same as having a visiting child over. It's not, it's your DH's daughter, your step daughter, and it's not like she's just popping round for a visit every now and again.

Personally I think you need to discuss the approach you should take in these circumstances with your DH. Whilst she is his daughter and he should take the lead with parenting her, you are still a team and you need to know he has your back with this. I would discuss what kind of consequences he would put in place if was around and he heard her saying such things or if she said them to him. Then agree on whether or not in his absence you should implement/inform DSD of what the consequence will be, or if he should do this when he returns.
Then in the actual situation I would do something along the lines of what @TheSockMonster said (although I would probably give less chances than this). In the first instance I would firmly but politely tell her to stop. If she did it again I would give her a warning of the consequence that would be implemented if she did it again. If she did it again that consequence would then be implemented, either by yourself or by DH on his return, depending on what you have agreed. If whilst waiting for DH to return she continued, I would just ignore it completely until he did and then inform him of the situation for said consequence to be put in place by him. He would absolutely have to have you back in this though and follow through.

@aSofaNearYou

It's almost like SM's avoid doing what would be expected of any other adult supervising a child in case it makes them less popular.

I agree - but we do face enormous pressure to do so by people on forums like this, and often from the parent of the child as well, so is it really any wonder?

Some of that pressure I've seen over the years I've lurked on this forum has come from mothers sending their kids to dad's house and feeling emotional about another woman temporarily stepping into their role. I understand that a lot more now that I've had my own DDs.

Other times, it seems like pressure can come from stepmoms who have tried to fill that role at home, but drove themselves crazy with that effort because they were constantly undermined somehow.

Sometimes the bio parent can feel implied criticism if someone else steps in and establishes a boundary, and it can be a straight-ish line between feeling criticised and saying "Only I do this part".

Amongst all of that emotion juggling is the reality that most stepchildren I know, my own DSD included, place limits on who they accept as authority figures in the house. Which is why she and I have found a way to communicate with each other respectfully most days, but it's still very much her dad's place to enforce things like taking her phone away if she leaves her room a mess.

*Some of that pressure I've seen over the years I've lurked on this forum has come from mothers sending their kids to dad's house and feeling emotional about another woman temporarily stepping into their role. I understand that a lot more now that I've had my own DDs.

Other times, it seems like pressure can come from stepmoms who have tried to fill that role at home, but drove themselves crazy with that effort because they were constantly undermined somehow.

Sometimes the bio parent can feel implied criticism if someone else steps in and establishes a boundary, and it can be a straight-ish line between feeling criticised and saying "Only I do this part".*

Hmm, I agree that these are common causes but they are all examples of misplaced emotions. None of them are healthy or productive.

Point out to her every time she’s unkind or rude how those remarks make people feel, and how she would feel if it was said to her.
She needs boundaries but she also needs to be taught the importance of kindness and empathy. Talk about those things.
Also don’t be afraid to bring it up with her in front of her dad.

@aSofaNearYou

Of course, and I agree too. In my own experience, I found it easier to figure out how I fit into a household as a stepmother, and how I could feel more comfortable living with my own DSD, once I acknowledged those misplaced emotions. It led to discussions with my DH, led to thinking a bit more about DSD and her relationship with her DM, and all that. I was able to put some of the pressure down once I realized a lot of the emotions around a divorce and the early stages of blending a family didn't have as much to do with me, specifically.

But the bio parent also needs to present a united front with the stepparent to the child!

Stop having her on your own for a start. When you’ve done so before does her dad not tell her to listen to you because in his absence you’re in charge?

If she behave properly she’ll have to go with him, to the shops, to anywhere he’s going.

Have you avoided saying anything because you’re worried he won’t back you up?