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Original poster

How would you deal with DSD cheekiness?

50 replies

MyWindowsNeedCleaning · 11/06/2021 19:26

Before anyone starts bashing, I love DSD (7 years old) and think 90% of the time she is great. I don't really discipline her, I leave it to her dad but occasionally I do have her on my own but she's started to be really cheeky when DP isn't around.

For example, DP went into the shop and DSD is sat in the back, she leans through the headrest and playfully pulls my hair calling me "lady elephant" over and over.

She definitely knows that I've never disciplined her and left it to her parents but I'm not having a 7 year old saying whatever she likes to me when her dad isn't around.

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partyatthepalace · 11/06/2021 20:13

No. You have to have boundaries and behaviour guidelines with her. Talk to your partner so it’s consistent but she cannot do this.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 11/06/2021 20:14

When her df returns ask her to repeat herself... Evey time.

HerRoyalNotness · 11/06/2021 20:15

Tell her off! I don’t understand why SM feel they can’t do this, well I do actually, but you must ignore the potential backlash and do it

30degreesandmeltinghere · 11/06/2021 20:19

In the absence of a parent you are the step parent. Step up!!
Or you will live to regret it in her teen years...

MadMadMadamMim · 11/06/2021 20:23

Tell her off!

I'd have turned round and said sharply How dare you speak to me like that?.

No adult should let a child be rude to them without addressing it immediately.

legotruck · 11/06/2021 20:23

Eh? Why would you put up with that? Tell her to stop Hmm

CornishGem1975 · 11/06/2021 20:49

I have what I call 'cheeky' DSC. I have to tolerate far more from them than I ever would my own DC. I expect my DP to pull them into line but unfortunately, we have different boundaries. What I see as rude, he sees as harmless cheek.

InnaBun · 11/06/2021 21:11

@30degreesandmeltinghere

When her df returns ask her to repeat herself... Evey time.
Yes you can do this or just tell her to stop touching you and calling you names. You wouldn't accept it from anyone else in the world why should she get away with it.
InnaBun · 11/06/2021 21:11

Basically if they are hurting or rude to you have every right to tell them to stop.

CaptainCarp · 11/06/2021 21:21

Just tell her to stop it.

I treat DSC much like I do my nieces & nephews when the come over. They abide by the rules of our house & I tell them off if they are doing something they shouldn't be doing.
I will "discipline" them if they swear at or hit me. Telling them off & refusing to carry on playing / impose sanction of no tablet or console if they are playing on that.
If DP is around he usually hears me tell them off so comes to see what's happened (I don't often raise my voice). We have agreed modes of discipline after being together for a 6year.

We also discuss if we feel one of us was too harsh but after the event & never undermine each other.

Happyd · 11/06/2021 21:22

@30degreesandmeltinghere

When her df returns ask her to repeat herself... Evey time.
This
InnaBun · 11/06/2021 21:24

You might find if you tell her off she will take it more seriously than if her dad does as you don't do it very often. I find I can stun my SC into silence just by telling them to stop doing something as I don't do it often. If their dad tells them they just carry on!

SandyY2K · 11/06/2021 21:33

For example, DP went into the shop and DSD is sat in the back, she leans through the headrest and playfully pulls my hair calling me "lady elephant" over and over.

Response to her...
Stop pulling my hair and I don't like it when you say that, so please don't do it again sweetie.

If that doesn't do it...my response would be stronger.

Tiredoftattler · 11/06/2021 23:31

Why assume that their was some malicious or disrespectful intent? Why not ask the child why she called you that?
it could easily be as simple as having seen or heard someone on the tv or someone with long hair called by that name or some other childish association.

You are the adult and she is only 7 years old. All of the power in that situation is vested in you. At this juncture , there is no reason to involve her father. You are perfectly capable of having a conversation with a 7year old to determine what motivated her words and actions and to let her know that you would prefer that she not do or say that again.

If you feel incapable of dealing with an issue with a 7 year old without feeling angry or disrespected , perhaps you should tell your partner that you are not comfortable in being left alone with the child.

You say that she was playfully pulling your hair . That does seem like a particularly disrespectful action or something ill intentioned.

Original poster
MyWindowsNeedCleaning · 11/06/2021 23:49

I think I'm pretty capable of being left with a 7 year old, I'm not a child myself - thank you.

I also know the difference between when a child is being cheeky and not understanding when something may be unkind. For example, not long after this incident she was sticking her index finger up at me. She knows the middle finger is swearing but she's being sneaky by using the index.

I don't ever discipline her and it's all new to me. I'm asking for ways on how I can be firm but fair with her without over stepping the boundaries.

Thanks for all the advice so far Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
MyWindowsNeedCleaning · 11/06/2021 23:50

When I say "new" to me, I've been with her dad for 5 years but always left the parenting up to him.

OP posts:
LunaAndHer3Stars · 12/06/2021 00:00

I'd tell her to "stop, because we don't touch people without their consent in our family, and we don't name call because it hurts people". This sort of thing needs to be dealt with in the moment. Fwiw DH does the how dare you do XYZ thing, it just annoys our DC. And if he says don't you dare do XYZ sometimes they do XYZ straight after. They really don't respond well to that phrase.

Ffs2020 · 12/06/2021 01:42

I used to leave all the boundaries, discipline, etc up to dp, until I realised two things.

  1. Dsc were doing/saying things that my own dc would never have been allowed to do in a month of Sundays. This was hugely unfair to them so I needed to set out my absolutes in terms of house rules in my home. Where I live.
  2. No teacher in the world would have accepted that behaviour from them in school, so I wouldn't be accepting it either. If it's fine for a teacher to challenge behaviour, explain why certain things aren't done or said, then I can as well. If dp is there, its up to him to do it, but if he's not, then I'll do it.
Jobsharenightmare · 12/06/2021 06:02

I'm a step mum although to much much older ones now.

How I suggest you handle this depends on your relationship and what you've agreed and to a lesser extent how things are between him and your step daughter's mother. If everything is positive on those fronts I would respond to her directly and after five years a neice/nephew level of parenting is appropriate.

If it is likely to cause waves (ie she will tell her mother you "shouted" when you didn't just because she is 7 and not used to any feedback from you on her behaviour, Mum will then get onto your partner and it ends up a thread in itself...) then the best approach is to tell your partner and have him set boundaries for her behaviour towards you (and enforce them for now).

Standrewsschool · 12/06/2021 06:15

If she is with you, then you do need to call her out and reprimand her. Put in boundaries now.

DifferentHair · 12/06/2021 06:35

I'd try to view it more as the boundaries you're setting in terms of how you allow people to treat you, as opposed to disciplining the DSD.

Pulling your hair and calling names is unacceptable. You wouldn't put up with it from a niece or one of your DC's friends on a play date.

A simple 'do not do that' escalating to a very cross 'I said stop doing that- stop immediately' communicates your own boundaries. You're a person too. You have every right not to be treated like that.

I'd also raise it with DH out of earshot so he can handle it later.

OhRene · 12/06/2021 06:52

@MadMadMadamMim

Tell her off!

I'd have turned round and said sharply How dare you speak to me like that?.

No adult should let a child be rude to them without addressing it immediately.

This with fucking bells on. How dare ANYONE do that to you!
FindingMeno · 12/06/2021 06:57

She's checking to see what the response will be!
Discuss with your partner, but, yes, you absolutely should be stopping it - maybe in a jokey way "Oi, cheeky!!!" as a first stop, dependant on your reading of the situation.

MeridianB · 12/06/2021 07:19

I'd try to view it more as the boundaries you're setting in terms of how you allow people to treat you, as opposed to disciplining the DSD.

This is great advice from @DifferentHair.

For example, not long after this incident she was sticking her index finger up at me. She knows the middle finger is swearing but she's being sneaky by using the index.

I find it shocking for a 7yo to know this let alone refine it for her own insults. It’s about as far from cheeky as it’s gets. Totally unacceptable. What did her dad say about it?

TheSockMonster · 12/06/2021 07:43

You can usually correct a 7 year old’s behaviour without ‘telling them off’

  1. Explain why it’s not acceptable (warmly and with a smile on your face - at this stage you’re teaching not chastising). Mostly at this age it’s not intended to hurt anyone and is either boredom or an emotion they’re struggling to express.
  1. Distract. Immediately change the subject, plot a new course etc. This is giving them an ‘out’ from the behaviour where they can maintain their dignity and so they’re likely to take it.
  1. If they still seem in a belligerent sort of mood, try and gently root out what negative emotions are behind it. “I’m worried about you, lovely, are you still having problems with X at school?” etc. Sometimes it will all just spill out.
  1. If negative behaviour continues, deploy natural consequences. There is an art to this. You need to frame the punishment as a natural conclusion of the behaviour, not as an arbitrary punishment you’ve come up with. “I’m really sorry DSD, but I don’t like my hair being pulled so we will have to go home if it keeps happening because I can’t sit in the car with you when you do that. I really don’t want to do that because I was looking forward to seeing the film too”. It should be delivered warmly, but firmly. Then, most crucially, FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT. Never ever make a consequence you can’t stick to. Hopefully you should only have to do this once. Sympathise with her disappointment, but stick to it.

I would describe this parenting style as warm, empathetic and firm.

I have a now grown up DSS who was 4 when I married his Dad and who is a lovely, kind, young man who I am very close to. I also have 2 younger teen/pre-teen DC in a very drama-free household. 90% of this will be pure good luck, but I think/hope the above has helped.

I think the main thing I have learnt is never to let your anger respond. If you model good control over your emotions you avoid the situation where you snap at them, they snap back and the whole thing escalates. The aim of the game is de-escalation. You sound like you have great self restraint so will probably be brilliant at this.

Good luck 🤞