Will it get better?

[er1408]

Hi,

I have a SD9 and SS6.

We try and ensure they have a fun happy time whenever they are with us.

The hobbies they love doing they are only taken to when here (BM refuses to take them even when they ask). We plan days out and family walks to ensure they get to enjoy being children! We have set boundaries and rules, they go to bed at a set time during school nights but we are more flexible at weekends.

However, my SD is obsessed with screens. They both always state that they play on their iPad all day when at their BM and go to bed when they feel like it. During school holidays they can go a week without having a wash (we ask when they last washed to know if they are due one - which every time they state was when they were last here).

I'm aware we can't change what they do when they are there and we do allow screen time (with limits) but my SD has previously refused to come and stay with us because we don't let her go on her iPad all day.

Due to how much their BM lets them do whatever they want, when they want my SD makes comments all the time. She is constantly making digs and repeating horrible remarks her BM and maternal grandparents have said about us.

I was wondering if it will get better? Will my SD realise we just want what's best for them and actually enjoy spending time with her without being glued to a screen? Alongside wanting them to be healthy (with some treats) and be clean. I'm worried this is only going to get worse as she enters her teens.

SS actually never asks to go on his iPad and seems to embrace his time with his (will chose to play in garden and games with us over screen time).

Thanks

Their parent needs to have a word with them about the rude comments. And also up to them to worry about screen time and washing. Try and distance yourself from caring so much and it will annoy you less.

It sounds like you've taken on the mental load for these dc.

Its hard parenting and they won't be grateful for being parented properly until they're older. I would take a step back if I was you and let their dad keep more of that mental load of how they're being raised.

At 9 dsd doesn't get to decide she isn't seeing her df...
Allowing such dictating at 9 can't bode well for parenting a teen dsd...

It's an easy thing to get het up about but the majority of kids are screen addicts these days, my SC and my own DC included.

But agree with PP. At age 9, she's not able to make that decision for herself.

@Aprilwasverywet

At 9 dsd doesn't get to decide she isn't seeing her df... Allowing such dictating at 9 can't bode well for parenting a teen dsd...

It's really hard when this happens. And more so when their mother is eager to try to minimise contact (purely to maximise maintenance; not because she wants more time with the kids).

I have been reflecting this week on quite how sad it is that my husband feels he cannot parent and must always ensure his DC get enough stuff and fun (and certainly no consequences because that's not fun) because he just does not trust that they love him and will just want to see them.

Him and his ex are teaching the children (only 7 and 4) to measure everything according to what they get, and that they can get things they want by refusing to come here. That is no good for anyone, least of all the SC.

It's really awful that their father just doesn't think enough if his children's character to feel confident that they do just want to see their dad.

What is their split of time between you and their mum (it's just 'mum', no need for BM as they're not adopted)?

@kiddo5467

What is their split of time between you and their mum (it's just 'mum', no need for BM as they're not adopted)?

Sorry it's just abbreviations used in another group I'm in. They are here every other weekend Friday - Monday and every Tuesday-Wednesday with school holidays halfed

Their parent, who you are in a relationship with, needs to tell them every single time they make a comment like that "Our house, our rules. Your mum's house, your mums rules. Grandmother's house, grandmothers rules."

This will probably need repeating a few thousand times until it sinks in.

Then follow through to make them stick to your joint rules.

Once their parent shows the children what your joint boundaries are and that they are expected to follow them, then you can step back in.

If their parent refuses to set boundaries and leaves all to you then you need to consider whether you want to be in a relationship with that parent, and if you do whether you want to be around most of the time when your step-children stay over.