I feel I need to understand DSS (17) & DSD's (21) mom so that I can help them.
Had some issues with their mom over the years, used to think it was down to anxiety, drugs and alcohol abuse and going into toxic relationships. Eventually it wore down her relationship with her kids.
DSD refuses to have contact since birth of DGC. Mom completely out of control and vile at time, got asked to leave hospital and then never went back to visit for 3 weeks that DGS was at another hospital in NICU.
DSS after a year of thinking about moving in with us due to mom and her then boyfriend moved in with us a month after DGC was born.
This was 18 months ago. Various contact from mom, social services had been involved but then stopped after DSS had not actually seen her in a while. I have posted about some of these things in the past.
Just before Xmas mom got with a new partner, she didn't bother contacting DSS and then when he messaged her she blocked him.
Mom found out her dd was pregnant again in April, tried to contact her but she had been blocked so used new partners number. DSD (her dd) messaged asking her to not contact her she is blocked for a reason.
Week later mom unblocked DSS and asked him about pregnancy and let him know that she was pregnant also. Week later mom messaged saying she had lost baby. DSS was heartbroken for her and started being in touch through messaging, convinced she had changed and that she was sorry for everything. We supported him in his feelings whilst also being wary.
Yesterday, DSS was with DSD her partner and DGS, mom saw them and jumped out of car. Told DSD that she just wanted to see her DS, DSD said of course just don't come over to me and DGS. DS said that was all that was said and it wasn't in a horrible or arsey way. Mom then proceeded to say that DSD should just die and that she was a dirty slag and several other vile things. Got back in car and then kept getting new partner to keep driving backwards and forwards past them in the car with his kids in the back flipping her finger at them.
DSD was upset but said it proves she hasn't changed, she is ok if things go her way and is vile when they don't. She is quite rightly disgusted that she would act like that around her DGS but not surprised.
DSS is heartbroken and embarrassed, he was championing her changed behaviour but can't believe that she acted like she did again.
I can't get my head around it. Mom has said some incredibly disturbing things to and about her kids. They are liars, DSD is a slag and lying about DGS dad as he has a rare genetic condition which has left him severely disabled and neither DSD or dad has it so it can't be his (its denovo so a bit like telling parents of a child with Downs that someone else must be the dad as neither of them have it). That DSD took drugs whilst pregnant (she didn't).
I am totally done trying to make excuses for her after this but am worried about the damage she does to their mental health and their sense of self-worth but I do want them to understand that this is not them or a reflection of them (DSD thinks she was vile growing up and has in past questioned if this was why mom was like she is (she wasn't the easiest teen but I have known much worse).
I have suggested that they need to speak to someone about it (counselling) as I think if they could recognise that it must be due to mental health and their is nothing they could have or could still do to change her behaviour then it will help them see it isn't them and it is not totally her fault (not excusing her). Both don't want to and DH thinks that she is just nasty and always has been.
Could she be a narcissist? I think she genuinely believes that her love for the kids is true and she has always been the best mother in the world but she only seems to be ok with them when they do or say what makes her happy, every time one of them doesn't she goes on this tirade of abuse and then a few weeks later acts like nothing has happened and can't understand why they are against her.